A true story.
When my kids were younger we were messing about having just finished tea. I can’t remember exactly what I had done, but it was something along the lines of rolling my eyes or waggling my eyebrows.
My youngest said, “Go on dad, pull a face”.
He was most shocked when I grabbed his chin and … pulled his face.
A shark swimming in the North Sea meets a very unwell- looking squid. “ Hey” he says. “ You look terrible.” “ Yes” says the squid. “ I feel awful. I need to get back to the Mediterranean.” “ Get on my back, I’ll give you a lift,” says the shark.
A couple of days later, basking in the warm waters off Spain, another shark joins them. “ Hey, you’re back!” says the second one to the first. “Yes, and I’ve brought that sick squid I owe you” says the first.
…
A panda walks into a bar, orders a sandwich, consumes it, pulls out a gun and shoots the barman, and walks out. “Why did he do that?” gasps another patron. “You know pandas” the injured barman moans. “Look it up. See - Panda. Eats shoots and leaves.”
When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers.
“Oh, you’re four,” said the teacher. “And when will you be 5?”
The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, “When I hold up the other finger.”
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
Mary Poppins went to a restaurant and ordered cheese, eggs and cauliflower. When she left, she had written something in the complaint box: super cauliflower, eggs but cheese was quite atrocious
Overheard in a coffee shop,
Barista: “One tall Americano.”
Random middle-aged woman: “I’ll take him!”
The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh, no,” exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!
The town Sheriff is putting up wanted posters for The Paper-Back Kid. One of the residents begins to read the description of what he was wearing when last seen.
Brown paper trousers.
Brown paper jacket over brown paper shirt
Brown paper riding boots
Brown paper cowboy hat.
At the bottom the poster reads, Wanted For Rustling.
A pair of biologists are studying terns on a rock island just off the coast.
While walking on a distant part of the island, warning shots ring out from a group of thugs operating a pot farm. This happens several times and the local law enforcement refuses to investigate. On their last day on the island they happen into a huge pile of harvested pot that has been set out to dry. Quickly they decide to set it on fire to pay the thugs back for shooting at them. The fire takes off and sends plumes of smoke into the sky. As they are running for their boat, they notice that the soaring birds are acting weird, spiraling out of control and crashing into the trees.
The next day they read the headlines in the local paper: Pot Farm Burns - No Tern Left Unstoned.
Nothing like a high waistband😄
I think that old gent is being used by the International Standards Agency for determining the width of standard family cars.
You will soon see him lying down in car parks whilst line painting crews mark out new parking spaces.
Not Simon Cowell’s Grandfather by any chance!?? 
The invention of the spade was …
ground-breaking.
