On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing.
As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:
“There’s no easy way to tell you this, so I’ll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow.
Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, the Blond wife stared at the woman’s lined face,
then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself – and to stop her mind racing.
She simply had to know. She met the Fortune Teller’s gaze, steadied her voice and asked:
“Will I be acquitted?”
But then again, no one expects the Spanish exposition
As we age everything changes : including us -
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
I run like the winded.
I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb!
these are all supposedly true examples of notes left for the milkman …
1 No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice.
2 Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not
know about it until a neighbour told me.
3 Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
4 From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don’t want any milk.
5 Please don’t leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
6 My back door is open. Please put milk in ’ fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight.
7 Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday.
8 Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk.
9Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
