I don’t like to brag about my wealth, but yesterday, I had the heating on
3 Likes
6 Likes
1 Like
3 Likes
Due to the cost of living crisis, I’ve had to make a decision between turning off my gran’s life support and cancelling my trip to Thailand. RIP. 
In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought… I must put a roof on this toilet.
From the late great Led Dawson.
3 Likes
Two older gents are sitting in a pub talking about marriage.
“What are your thoughts on sex before marriage?” asked the one gent.
“I don’t think about it” replied the other.
“Well I know I didn’t have sex with my wife before we got married, did you?”
“I’ve no idea, what’s her name?”
From the late great Dave Allen.
1 Like
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said, ‘Are you going to help?’ I said, ‘No, six should be enough.’
Another from the greatly missed Les Dawson…
1 Like
2 Likes
2 Likes
A woman goes to a tattoo parlor and asks the tattoo artist to do a tattoo of Elvis’s face on her left leg right near her crotch. So the guys does it. She gets up to look at it and screams “that looks aweful! That doesn’t look anything like Elvis!” The guy says I think your wrong but to make you feel better I’ll do one on the other side at no charge. She agrees and once again she is fuming! “That doesn’t look like elvis either! I am so angry I could kill you!” The artist says “come on, they both look exactly like Elvis.” To prove it he calls one of his regulars over to decide. The guy looks her over and says “I’m not too sure about the two on either side but that one in the middle is the spit’n image of Willie Nelson.”A woman goes to a tattoo parlor and asks the tattoo artist to do a tattoo of Elvis’s face on her left leg right near her crotch. So the guys does it. She gets up to look at it and screams “that looks aweful! That doesn’t look anything like Elvis!” The guy says I think your wrong but to make you feel better I’ll do one on the other side at no charge. She agrees and once again she is fuming! “That doesn’t look like elvis either! I am so angry I could kill you!” The artist says “come on, they both look exactly like Elvis.” To prove it he calls one of his regulars over to decide. The guy looks her over and says “I’m not too sure about the two on either side but that one in the middle is the spit’n image of Willie Nelson.”
They reckon that beer contains female hormones. They could be right, as after drinking eight pints of the stuff yesterday, I started talking shite, and I couldn’t drive properly…
2 Likes