Some funnies for today

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A newlywed couple was on vacation when they heard about a prophet who lived in the hills nearby…

They were told by their hotel concierge that he always spoke the truth and could tell them their future, so, filled with curiosity, they went to see him. As they approached the hut, they noticed a terrible smell coming from inside but they pressed on.

The old man was sitting in a chair, with casts on both legs. “What do you want from me?” the prophet called out. The couple then realized the source of the foul smell… It was the old seers breath! “He must never brush his teeth,” they both thought.

Undaunted, they replied, “oh wise prophet, we are newly married and were told that you could read our future!”

The prophet answered, “Oh yes. Just like my hands are rough and hard from my many years living on the land, and my legs are so weak that they’ve broken just by stepping into my hut, so shall your lives together be! Rough, hard, weak, and broken! Now be gone!”

With that, they returned to their hotel. The concierge asked them how their visit with the prophet was. They told him they were pretty disappointed and felt like he wasn’t all he was cracked up to be. The wife especially was unimpressed. “He was uncaring, weather beaten, weak, and his breath stunk too!!!”

The concierge answered…

“Well, I guess that’s what you get from the SuperCallousedFragileMysticVexedWithHalitosis!”

One day a Viking named Leif returned after a long sea voyage and found that during his absence his name had been removed from the town register. He sent his wife to the town hall to make a complaint to the mayor.
‘I’m sorry,’ said the mayor, 'I must have taken Leif off my census

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That reminds me. Mary Poppins uses an old fashioned film camera.
When she takes the negatives to be developed she asks for, Supercolourphotographicextragoodexposures.

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A pensioner drove his brand new BMW to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, … then 155, … Suddenly he thought,

“I’m too old for this nonsense !”

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,

“Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I’m taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I’ve never heard before, why you were speeding… I’ll let you go.”

The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-

“Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back.” !!!

The Cop left saying,

" Have a good day, Sir ".

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One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt.

His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it.

It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.

Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.

After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow.

Soak your arm in warm water.

Avoid heavy lifting.

It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.

He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter.

To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.

The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.

They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.

And if you don’t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

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*Got a Chinese take out last night and as I got in the car I heard the bag rustle, so looked over and saw a pair of eyes looking out of the top of bag at me, then disappear back inside.

I was so scared I nearly said profanities!

I looked again, saw the eyes looking out at me then disappear again, so grabbed the bag and ran back into the shop. I asked the guy behind the counter “what the heck was going on?!”

he said "you asked for the Peking duck…”

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Science Question.

Does Mercury come from HG Wells?

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A man moves from China to the USA and sets up his own laundry and dry cleaning business.

After he and his wife settle in, they find themselves prospering in their new country. Years later, they have a son, who grows up to be a powerful and respected businessman. One day, he comes home with a woman wrapped around his arm

“Mom, Dad” he says,“This is Tiffany Wong.” His parents are estatic, since the Wongs are renowned real estate moguls. They have dinner, and subtlety give their blessings to their sons relationship. However, after they see their soon to be daughter-in-law off, their son asks them to sit down.

“If I want to marry her, the Wongs want me to take on their family name” the son explains. The mother suddenly breaks down in tears, as the father can’t believe the words he just heard. “You’re a Ting” he cried, “For generations our family has held that name as a symbol of our honor and tradition!”

“I’m sorry dad, but I love her too much, I’ve already agreed to change my name.” Their son leaves the family’s apartment quietly, leaving behind a sobbing father and mother.

The next day, a family friend hears of the news, and visits the grief stricken parents. He consoles them, offering his own words of encouragement.

“Sometimes things like these happen. It could be Murphy’s law you know”

"Any Ting that can go Wong, will go Wong.

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A blonde called her boyfriend and said,
“Please come over here and help me. I
have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure
it out or how to get it started.”
Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed
to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde said, “According to the picture
on the box, it’s a tiger.”
Her boyfriend decided to go over and help
with the puzzle. She let him in and showed
him where she had the puzzle spread all
over the table. He studied the pieces for a
moment, looked at the box, then turned to
her and said, “First of all, no matter what
we do, we’re not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything
resembling a tiger.” He took her hand and
said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let’s
have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then.
" he sighed,.
… “Let’s put all of these
frosted flakes back into the box.”

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A painter walks up to a church and offers to paint it. The church manager agrees. Business isn’t going well for the painter so he decides to save some money by adding water to thin the paint. He’s gets a few days in and a massive storm appears out of nowhere with lightning and thunder crashing around him. A booming voice comes from the clouds, “How dare you steal from my church”. The painter screams out, “Lord I’m so sorry, what can I do to save myself?”. The booming voice responds, “Repaint, repaint and thin no more!”

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I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth,” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I answered.

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My young daughter was wearing a beat up old watch a friend had given her.

I asked her, “Does it tell the time?”

My daughter looked at me and said, “No, you have to look at it.”

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Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital!

Nurse: What is it?

Doctor: It’s a big building with a lot of doctors, but that’s not important now!

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At the border, a man rides up on a bicycle with a sack on the luggage rack.

Customs officer: “Do you have anything to declare?”

Man: “No.”

Customs officer: “And what do you have in the sack?”

Man: “Sand.”

On inspection it turns out that it is indeed sand.

Every day for a whole week the man comes with the bicycle and the sack on the luggage carrier. On the eighth day, the customs officer gets suspicious.

Customs officer: “What do you have in the sack?”

Man: “Only sand.”

Customs officer: “Hmm, let’s see …”

The sand is sifted this time. Result: only sand.

The man continues to come to the border every day. Two weeks later, the border guard gets fed up and sends the sand to the laboratory.

Result: only sand.

After another month of “sand transports”, the customs officer can’t take it any more and asks the man:

“Well, I’ll give it to you in writing that I won’t tell anyone, but I just have to know: you are smuggling something. Please tell me what!”

The man: “Bicycles…”

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A true story.

When my kids were younger we were messing about having just finished tea. I can’t remember exactly what I had done, but it was something along the lines of rolling my eyes or waggling my eyebrows.

My youngest said, “Go on dad, pull a face”.

He was most shocked when I grabbed his chin and … pulled his face.

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A shark swimming in the North Sea meets a very unwell- looking squid. “ Hey” he says. “ You look terrible.” “ Yes” says the squid. “ I feel awful. I need to get back to the Mediterranean.” “ Get on my back, I’ll give you a lift,” says the shark.

A couple of days later, basking in the warm waters off Spain, another shark joins them. “ Hey, you’re back!” says the second one to the first. “Yes, and I’ve brought that sick squid I owe you” says the first.

A panda walks into a bar, orders a sandwich, consumes it, pulls out a gun and shoots the barman, and walks out. “Why did he do that?” gasps another patron. “You know pandas” the injured barman moans. “Look it up. See - Panda. Eats shoots and leaves.”