One liners and short jokes!

Does that work on rhinos? :thinking:

:slightly_smiling_face:

How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just Juan!

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Insurer: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?

Customer: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Judge: All your responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to?

Defendant: Oral.

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A man got ran over by a red lorry, a yellow lorry, then another red lorry, then another yellow lorry.

Police said there was no easy way to tell his family!

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My wife’s leaving me because of my terrible spelling.

I might have guest!

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I just ate my Christmas Dinner.

Jeez these slow cookers are crap! :grinning:

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What did the mother say to her blonde daughter as she prepared to go out?
“If you’re not it bed by 10, come home.”
:stuck_out_tongue:

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Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’ His father replied, 'Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom …'

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If at first you don’t succeed, then maybe skydiving is not the sport for you.

Parachute failed? Don’t worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.

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If the number 666 is considered evil.
Then 25.8069758 is technically the root of all evil! :slight_smile:

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Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac who stayed awake All night wondering if there was a dog.

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I find as I get older I only need 3 shops in my life, Specsavers, Boots and Greggs.

My life is all specs and drugs and sausage rolls

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The Doctor comes in and says,
“Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but…
something happened. I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.”

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “However, You’ve got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s £1,000 an inch.”
The man perks up at this. “So,” the doctor says, “It’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out.
But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.”
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day.
“So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”
“I have,” says the man.
“And what is the decision?” asks the doctor.

Me: What do you know about atoms?
Friend: Very little
Me: Anything else?

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I’m writing a book about all the things I should be doing with my life.
It’s an oughtobiography! :grinning:

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So, I hear Jada Pinkett Smith is divorcing Will Smith.
Hair loss…

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Just cost me a whole QUID to put air in my tires!
Guess that’s inflation for you! :grinning:

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When I was a lad, I remember running at the back of the bus to save the twopenny fare.

When I got home, mum slapped me on the back of the head and said, “Next time, run at the back of a taxi and save two quid”

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