Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they all go? Wonder no more! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird and lives an extremely ordered and complex life. Penguins are extremely committed to their family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with their offspring throughout the remainder of their life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and their social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice using only their vestigial wings and beaks until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
After packing the ice back into the hole, the male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: “Freeze a jolly good fellow. Freeze a jolly good fellow —“
You really didn’t think I knew anything penguins, did you?
lol!!!
Excellent Richmond. Stolen as a matter of course.
Managed to get a girl from the club back to my house last night, by telling her I was an Olympic gold medal winner…
“Wow, that’s amazing!” she said, lifting it from its stand on the mantelpiece. “What did you win this in?”
“Online auction!”
Just asked a homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled and said yes…
You should have seen the look on her face when I ran off with her cardboard box!
You are welcome Percy! Glad you enjoyed!
Lol!! Stolen!
Good one, Longdogs — pinching this - thanks!!
Borrowed both of these! 
A Couple’s 60th Wedding Anniversary.
Their three kids, all successful professionals, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honour.
“Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed Doctor Son No. 1 “Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn’t have time to get you a gift.”
“Not to worry,” said the father. “Important thing is we’re all together today.”
Lawyer Son No. 2 arrived. “You and Mom look great. Dad, I just flew in from Montreal between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for you.”
“It’s nothing,” said the father, “We’re glad you were able to come.”
Just then the Architect Daughter arrived “Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn’t have time to get you anything.”
After they had finished dessert, the father said, “There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were really poor, but we managed work hard, scrimp and save, and sacrifice to send each of you to college. Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.”
The three children gasped and said, “WHAT? You mean we’re bastards?”
“Yep,” said the father, “Cheap ones, too.”
Good one Percy – consider it stolen!!
Everyone’s favourite MP…
I love the odd shoes.
And on the wrong feet. 
yep!!!
