Crusty's Comical Capers (part three)

Berxer · 10 April 2012 00:04

Yes, another good read

I was waiting for Crusty to be ill after eating all that cake What a kind soul he is to donate his new shoes to the needy

Did he ever finish his jingle for the competition?

Mollie · 10 April 2012 00:07

Yes he did, Carmen. I think it’s in the next chapter.

Chippy · 10 April 2012 20:47

You have set me a task here Mollie. You didn’t warn me how prolific you were. Might take me more than a couple of days to catch up, but I am enjoying it. Lots of chuckles, and you were right, the dialect isn’t too far away from Yorkshire lol.

Mollie · 10 April 2012 21:55

Sorry about that, Paul. It was only a suggestion that you have a little read, so it’s up to you if you want to read them like a book, and read chapter following chapter.

Glad you’re having a chuckle with them as well and, as I mentioned much earlier, they do get more comical.

Thanks for reading.

marpaul · 10 April 2012 22:16

You’ll be amazed at what he gets up to I’ve read them all and had lots of laughs along the way. Mollie is one talented lady :-D:-D

Mollie · 10 April 2012 22:33

Shurrup you, yer making me blush!

Sorry for the delay. I’ll put the next one on tonight.

Mollie · 10 April 2012 22:46

[B][CENTER]120

Clowns and Clots
(and the Age of Technology!)[/CENTER][/B]

A month later Crusty drove over to his Bel’s house with her birthday card and present. She’d told him that she’d cook them a fine meal rather than go out and Crusty was more than happy with this, as he loved his Bel’s cooking.

She was just coming out of the kitchen when someone knocked on her door.

Rap, rap, rap, drrring!

“Who the bluddy hell’s that? It’s too early for Crusty an’ it can’t be’t gas man come to take another reading again so I wonder who it is.”

She went into the hall, checked herself in the mirror, tidied her hair then answered the door and in slid Crusty.

“Hiya Bel!”

“Hello Crusty. Wor’appened to yer thump, thump, thump, rrrring?”

“Just thowt I’d have a change Bel. Happy birthday! Did I tek ya by surprise?”

“Ya did that lad, an’a happy birthday to you too, come in!”

“Canna tek me carrier bags off please Bel? I put clean socks on this morning while it’s a special occasion, an’ave got Good Owd Stinky on an’ all, bur’e’s bin in’t Crustamatic yesterday so he’s still fairly cleanish - ish!”

She looked down and saw the tattered remains of the two carrier bags she’d given him almost nine weeks previously, still wrapped around his feet.

“Alright then me owd cockle. Did ya nor’ave the bluddy sense to put new carrier bags on every now and again? Anyway, I’ve getten yer owd boots o’er here so ya can put them on instead. I’ve fumigated 'em and given 'em a bluddy good polish. Ya’ll not recognise 'em now!”

“Ta Bel! I know wot ya must’ve gone through to do that! It’s a good job ya’ve gor’a big supply o’ pegs. I’ll be glad’t ger’a proper pair o’ shoes on me feet again, especially when it rains! These bags let water in now.”

They got settled in Bel’s favourite living room, Crusty wearing his nice newly cleaned old black festering little vinyl boots, which were a bit uncomfortable from shrinkage, but he knew he’d be able to stretch them out again in a short time.

They had the pressie swapping ceremony and Bel opened hers first.

Crusty’s brain cell had woken up again the day before and, this time, it had told its owner to buy something nice for his lady friend and wrap it in some pretty paper, which Crusty had done.

“Oh Crusty these are lovely. Thanks very much indeed. I’ll try them on shall I, make sure they fit?”

It was a pair of bright red woollen gloves with a lurid purple and emerald green design on them. Bel knew she could never wear them in public, but would make a point of keeping them in her car and only wear them when Crusty was with her.

“How did ya know wot size to get owd lad?”

“Oh that were easy Bel, I’ve seen yer fists often enough!”

She handed him a box containing his present. He ripped off the wrapping in his eagerness to get to his new mobile but, once opened, his bottom lip dropped into a sulk again.

“Burra thowt I were gerrin a new mobile Bel. These new shoes are very nice though, ta very muchly.”

“Try 'em on owd lad. Let’s make sure they fit ya proper. I gor’a size seven and, being as Sniffy and Whiffy are clean on, they should fit ya like these gloves fit me!”

He kicked off his owd vinyl boots again and slipped the new shoes onto his feet.

“Oh these are lovely Bel. They’re proper comfy these. If ya don’t mind though Bel, I’ll keep 'em for best, an’a won’t give ‘em to’t th’owd folks’ home, I promise!”

“That’s a good lad. I’ll get some things together as well for ya to tek wi’ ya next time ya goes visiting! Which one is it ya goes to, to do yer moiderin’?”

“The Gables Bel!”

“Reet, I’ll bring ya some stuff soon!”

“Ta Bel. That’s very nice of ya!”

She could see by his face that he was disappointed, so she reached behind her chair and brought out another, smaller, box and handed it to him.

“For me?”

“Open it lad. The shoes were just a little bonus for being a good lad.”

Once again he gleefully ripped the paper to shreds and opened the box which housed a brand new mobile phone. When he saw what it was he started dashing around all over the place with his tongue dangling and a wide grin on his face.

“Bel, Bel this is beltin’ Bel. Ta very muchly!”

Then he stopped dashing about and looked at it from all angles not understanding any of it then he passed it over to his Bel so she could store some numbers in for him.

“Ta! Will ya learn me how’t text now please Bel?”

“No lad burra will teach ya, after we’ve etten our grub. Now then, I wanted to ask ya. Did ya ever finish that jingle ya was writing?”

“Oh yis Bel, an’ave sent it off an’ all. Will I tell it to ya?”

“Yis please owd lad!”

[CENTER]“Juicy Lucy lifts my heart
Makes me fat and makes me fart
All its bubbles make you titter
It’s very nice burrad sooner have bitter!”[/CENTER]

"Is thar’it? Ya’ve sent it off like that?

“Yis Bel!”

“Well ya’ll not win with a daft jingle like that!”

“I know Bel. Am nor’all that struck on pop anyway! It makes me fart!”

“Everything makes thee fart! Well then, why did you go to all that expense of buying an envelope an’ a stamp to post it then?”

He sulked.

“I hadn’t thowt about that. Now will ya teach me how’t text please?”

“Ya daft sod. Let’s ger’our meal etten first shall we?”

“Oh yis please, thanks Bel. Am bluddy hungry!”

She’d made them a wonderful meal on which they feasted for the next hour and a half, and then Crusty started bounding about in anticipation of his Bel teaching him something new.

“Reet, come on. I’ll send you a text first then ya can save me number again then, it’ll be dead easy after that.”

She sent him a text and it made a beep-beep sound when it was received.

Crusty jumped then started tittering.

She showed him how to access the message. He read the gobbledegook carefully with furrowed brow.

“I cawn’t understand wor’it sez Bel!”

Mollie · 10 April 2012 22:52

“It doesn’t say owt ya dim owd duffer. It’s only rubbish. Mind you, I’m surprised ya couldn’t read it perfectly ‘cos tha’ talks a load of owd rubbish. I’ve only done it like that to show ya!”

“Oh, continue please!”

She then started the laborious task of teaching him how to send one and patiently showed him several times, which took all afternoon, how to text, then him trying to text her back and finally the penny dropped.

“Reet lad, do it again by yerself this time.”

“Okay Bel. I think I’ve getten it now! Thanks for being so pashink wi’ me!”

He brought her last message up then tapped into “reply”. Then he tapped out the letters R U OK and pressed the send button.

Bel’s phone beeped.

Crusty’s tongue dangled out and he grinned. He’d done it. He’d mastered it. He was now entering the world of technology.

Oh heck!

“Reet, am off now Bel. Ta for me dinner. It were reet gradely.”

“Howld up a minute! Worra ya rushing off for?”

“Well I want to get wom so as I can text ya from theer. See if ickle travel that far!”

“Ya daft owd dirt bag, it’ll travel all over’t world!”

“I want to try it though Bel. I’ll send ya a message as soon as I ger’in to let ya know I’ve arrived home safe and well. Bye, bye Bel!”

He whooshed off again leaving a cloud of dust behind him but, in his haste, he forgot his new shoes so she put them at one side to give to him next time she saw him and, just over an hour later, her phone beeped to signal a text from Crusty, and this is how their text conversation went.

AM WOM. ANNA WANT A CRAP

WELL GO THEN

GIV YA A RING WENAV DONE
SO AS WE CAN AV A NICE
LICKLE CHAT

OK

JUST FARTED

NASTY ARSE

OR WILL U RING ME COS ICKLE BE CHEPPER ANIT COSTS A LORRA MONEY WHEN I RINGS YA ON ME
PROPER PHONE

OK

THOWT WE MIT GO TO CLUB FRI NEET

THOWT THY WANTED A CRAP

2 LATE

Bel tutted and switched her mobile off otherwise he’d have gone on all night.

The next day while she was driving to work she saw some signs that had been posted up all over the place and a huge grin appeared on her face.

“Morning Miss Leekey. How are you today?”

“Very well Vanda, thanks for asking. Now then, there’s a little job I’d like you to do for me. Ring this number and book two tickets for this coming Sunday for me please!”

“Oh right. Oh, how nice. Are you taking Mister Nibbleswick with you?”

“Yeh. He’s doing his best to behave so I thought I’d treat him!”

“Aw, how lovely! I’ll make the booking now.”

“Ta luv. I think I’ll make a brew. Me tongue feels like a barber’s leather razor blade sharpening strap!”

“Would you like me to make it for you?”

“No lass, I’ll do it. D’ya want one?”

“No thanks Miss Leekey, I’ve just had one. Thanks all the same! I’ll get your booking made.”

She made a cup of tea, went into her office and plonked down behind her desk. She was about to sort through her mail when she decided to ring Crusty.

He answered after the third ring.

“Hello this is Crusty speaking I think. I don’t need a new shower an’a cawn’t afford any double glazing, bye, bye!”

She tutted and rang again.

“Hello this is Crusty speaking an’ a …”

“Shurrup Crusty. It’s me, Bel!”

“Oh hiya Bel. I thowt ya was somebody trying’t sell me summat. Worra ya ringing me for at this time o’ day. Ya should be at work now!”

“I am at work lad burra thought I’d catch ya before you left for’t cafe.”

“Oh reet, ya’ve only just caught me and yer goin’t make me late now. Worisit that ya wanted to explain to me this time!”

“I don’t want to explain anything to ya, I just …”

“Okay, see ya, bye!”

She gave up but decided to ring him later.

He just made it to the cafe on time and the usual crowd were all there. Jim called to him from the back and Crusty zoomed off to see what he wanted.

“Here y’are lad. Put these on yer feet!”

“Wor’are they?”

“They’re a nice pair o’ comfy slippers for ya to work in instead o’ them farty owd smelly boots that yer allers wearing. Come on lad. Shove yer boots outside on’t step so that fresh air can ger’at 'em and put these on.”

“Okay, but worra they for?”

“Well, if ya look at the bottoms, they’ve getten soles like mop-rags, can ya see?”

“Yis but wockle I do wi’ 'em?”

“Well these are called mop shoes. When yer rushing about all o’er’t place as ya do, ya can polish the floor as well and keep it nice and clean!”

“Okay Jim!”

Mollie · 10 April 2012 22:57

Crusty shuffled off into the back and did as he’d been told, and when he’d got the slippers on he put his pinny and cap on then shambled back into the dining area.

They started on him straight away.

“Wot the bluddy hell hast getten on thi’ feet? Tha’ favvers bluddy weel! For weeks tha’s bin shufflin’ about in a couple of owd carrier bags, neh this!”

“Leave me alone. Jim says I’ve got to polish’t floor while am whooshing about!”

They were all tittering their heads off then Faggie put her three penn’orth in.

“I like thi’ moppin’ slippers owd lad. Oi, Jim! Weer’s that long handled brush? Tha’ could shove it up his arse so he could sweep the floor an’ all as he’s goin’!”

Titter, cackle, snigger!

Poor Crusty just had to put up with that for the rest of his shift, and was glad when one o’clock came so that he could put his old boots on again, and mosey on back home to Crustyville! He’d just got through the door when the telephone rang.

“Hello, I think this is Crusty Nibblesw …”

“Now belt up and don’t say another word until I tell ya to!”

“Okay Bel, worisit that ya …”

[SIZE=“3”]"SHADDAP! [/SIZE] Right! That’s better. Now then, worra wanted to ask ya this morning was, have ya gor’anything planned for Sunday?"

Silence.

“Ya can speyk now ya dim witted owd sod!”

“Oh reet. Wot d’ya want me’t say then?”

"I said, have ya gor’owt planned for this Sunday? Speyk!"

“Oh! No, I’ve nowt planned yet. Have you?”

"Yis, as a matter of fact I have. Now lissen, and don’t forget. Be ready for me to pick you up on Sunday at half past one. Have ya got that? Speyk!"

“Yis Bel, Sunday at half past one. In the afternoon?”

“Yes of course in the afternoon ya bumbling owd fart!”

“Reet owd lass. Is there owt special ya wants me’t wear? Do I need a special outfit?”

“No, just put yer normal clothes on. Well, normal for you anyway! Them sh!tty owd brown pants’ll do, yer squelchy little black vinyl boots - I tek it they are squelched up again - and th’owd black jacket. Ya’ll be alreet in them! Oh, and ya’d best put yer OBJ on as well as it might be a bit chilly where we’re goin’!”

“Oh good. Am glad yer not goin’t make me wear owt daft!”

“Did ya get yer special surprise at work today owd lad?”

“I did that Bel and they’re bluddy belting, burra think I might look a bit daft in 'em!”

“Nonsense! Wi’ all’t scuttling about ya does ya can keep that floor all nice and shiny all day!”

“Burra thowt that were a cleaner’s job!”

“Wot do I need a cleaner for when I’ve getten thee?”

“I suppose. So will I not see you at all this week Bel, ‘ceptin’ for Sunday?”

“No lad. Me warehouses are busy stocking all’t new Christmas stuff for’t sales in January, so I’ve nor’a lorra time’t spare just now. Oh, I’ve just had a thowt though. I’ll nip down tomorrow night as I’ve got some stuff in a bin bag for you to tek to th’owd folk wi’ ya next time ya go. It’s some owd clothes that used to belong to me hubby. I just stashed 'em all away after he’d de’ed and I’d forgotten all about 'em until you mentioned yer visiting!”

“Thanks a lot Bel. See ya tomorrer then.”

As promised, the next evening Bel called at Crustyville and handed him the bin bag.

“Can ya stop for a brew Bel?”

“No lad, sorry. I’ve just nipped, burrave got to get back as I’m up to me eyeballs in work!”

“Okay Bel. Thanks for these, an’ I’ll see ya Sunday afternoon at one!”

“Half past one. See ya lad!”

Left alone again, Crusty put the bin bag down on the living room floor and went back to his telly. Every now and again the bag would draw his eyes, then he’d look away again, until eventually he could stand it no longer. He had to see what was in the bag so he went and opened it up, then tipped the contents onto the carpet.

“Neh then, let’s see wot we’ve getten here!”

He picked up a pair of trousers and put them in front of him to see what they’d look like. The bottoms trailed for miles in front of him

“They’re a bit long, burra could turn 'em up at the bottom! These legs are a bit baggy bur’it dun’t matter. Neh then, this looks like a nice jacket.”

He flung the trousers onto the settee and picked up a burgundy coloured velvet jacket. It was beautiful, so Crusty tried it on.

“Ooh, this fits me perfikt! Tailor made for Crusty!”

And so he went on fingering all the clothing in the bag. He put most of it to one side for himself then put the remainder back for his visiting!

At precisely one thirty that following Sunday, Bel rapped loudly on his front door and within seconds Crusty opened up and dragged her in by the arm when he started twirling round with a huge happy grin on his face.

“D’ya like me new things Bel?”

[SIZE=“3”]“Wot the bluddy hell hast getten on this time?”[/SIZE]

“Me new duds. I favver a proper dandy in 'em don’t I?”

“Tha’ favvers a bluddy owd clown in ‘em! Crusty, those used to be Gilbert’s clothes. I gave ya them for’t th’owd folks’ home!”

“I know Bel. I didn’t think ya’d mind if I helped meself to a few things though.”

She started calming down.

“Crusty. Have ya seen yerself in’t mirrer? Tha’ favvers bluddy weel again! That burgundy velvet jacket doesn’t go wi’ them bright yeller trousers! I never did like them bluddy pants thar’e used’t wear! In any case, Gilbert were six foot bluddy four. Ya’ve had to pur’an eleven inch turn up on them pants, and that bluddy jacket comes down to yer knees, not to mention the fact thar’it’s hanging off both bluddy shooders and’t sleeves are six inch too long! Ya can’t wear them! And worra ya doing wearing a pair of his shoes? He took a size fourteen so how are ya keeping them on? Don’t answer that! It must be several pairs o’ grungy socks. Tha’ favvers Coco the bluddy Clown round’t feet!”

Sulk!

“I’ve getten me lickle black vinyl boots on in these shoes as well! Will I go and get changed then Bel?”

“No, we’ve not time now. In any case, to be honest, ya’ll probably not look too out o’ place where we’re going!”

“Weer is it we’re goin’ Bel? Ya’ve not towd me yet!”

“Ya’ll see!”

She got him into the Volvo and she drove off towards Standish. They came to a big field and she parked the car alongside many others.

“Wot’s goin’ on here then Bel?”

Mollie · 10 April 2012 23:00

“Look o’er theer!”

She pointed and Crusty’s eyes followed her finger.

“Oh, it’s a refreshments tent. I went to one o’ these years ago when I went to Southport. D’ya remember Bel, when I ate them shrimps raw an’a got the squits?”

“I remember owd lad, but that’s nor’a refreshments tent. Come on!”

He dutifully clomped alongside her in his oversized shoes and they entered.

Crusty’s eyes widened.

“Weer is it ya’ve brought me to Bel? Wot’s this? Wot do we do in here Bel?”

“One question at a time! I’ve brought ya to a Circus and we sit and watch all the wonderful acts!”

“Ooh, ta Bel. So ya’ve not brought me on a punishment then?”

“Don’t be daft!”

He started jabbering and clapping his hands so she shoved him down into a seat until he’d quietened down. The people close by had watched his antics since he’d gone in and they were tittering behind his back at his clothes.

[B][I]“Who’s that?”

“He favvers bluddy weel!”

“I wonder if he’s one o’t clowns!”

“He’s getten’t feet for’it!”

“He’s getten’t face for’it as weel!”

“He favvers bluddy weel!”[/I][/B]

Everyone settled in their seats and the Ring Master took his place under a bright spot light, the house lights dimmed and the show began. Out came the horses and riders, the acrobats and knife throwers. The dwarf clowns ran around making everyone laugh at their capers, and there were three particular animals that had noticed Crusty sitting there giggling and clapping his hands at the acts.

Over an hour later a man came out with some chimpanzees, and Crusty studied this act most carefully. The monkeys had everyone in stitches with their antics, and they were just about to finish, when one of them started running on all fours towards Crusty. Everyone watched laughing their heads off as she ran right up to him in her little pink taffeta frock and jumped on his knees, gave him a big sloppy kiss on the lips, nicked his barm cakes from his shoulder pads and then slapped him across the mush with a big hairy hand.

It was the same female chimp who had accosted Crusty several years before at Haigh Hall Plantations, only now she was bigger and stronger. She started screeching on recognising him and she dragged him up out of his chair so that he could join her in the ring.

Crusty, being Crusty, was only too pleased and, before Bel could stop him, he allowed the chimp to hold his hand and lead him into the centre of the ring.

Bel wasn’t best pleased but admitted they did look bloody comical together!!

There was a mighty applause from the onlookers who thought it was all just part of the act, especially as Crusty was wearing the most ridiculous clownish clothing. What else could he have been except part of the act?

Crusty tried his best to copy everything the female chimp was doing, but he came to a sticky end when she grabbed him by the crusticles and again gave them another hard squeeze, then buggered off running round the ring and shrieking at the top of her voice with laughter.

The rest happened very quickly indeed.

Wincing with pain and eyes watering, Crusty kicked off the huge shoes removing the vinyl boots with them, turned on his heel and ran as fast as his skinny little legs could carry him and he ran up a tall, narrow, aluminium ladder with the monkey close on his heels. Up and up he went high into the air. As he got to the top the ape was right behind him, and the only other thing he could do was totter unsteadily across the tight rope to try to escape from the chimp.

Across he went legs wackering away and, halfway across, he started to lose his balance. He leaned dangerously forward, arms waving about. He leaned dangerously backwards, arms waving about, trying hard to stay balanced. Luckily he was wearing several pairs of sweat encrusted socks and they clung to the rope like an adhesive, thereby giving Crusty at least a sporting chance of getting across in one piece by sliding his smelly feet a few inches at a time.

The circus Staff was watching all this in horror and very quickly rigged a net underneath the rope in case he fell but Crusty, although not aerodynamically shaped, made it across ahead of the monkey then leapt onto the trapeze where he swung in the air for several minutes before deciding what to do next. The chimp leapt onto the other trapeze and a couple of times they almost collided.

[SIZE=“3”]“Bel, Bel, help me Bel!”[/SIZE]

[SIZE=“3”]Paaaaarip!![/SIZE]

Bel was in bulk laughing, especially when the chimp held onto her nose from the smell and started wafting her hairy arms about, but she could hear Crusty calling to her.

[SIZE=“3”]“Wockle I do now Bel?”[/SIZE]

There was so much laughter going on in the auditorium below that Crusty was at a loss as to what to do, so he just stayed up there swinging away.

Paaaaaarp, brrrrrrip! Crap!!

Looking way up from the ground the pair of them looked very much alike. If it hadn’t been for their outfits they would have looked identical! There were two camels to one side watching him, their long necks moving from side to side with each swing, waiting for him to fall.

“What ho, old gal! Do you see who that is Jemima?”

“Oh yes Wilfred. It’s him again isn’t it?”

“Yes. What do you say old gal? Shall we help him out? What do you think?”

“I think that’s a very nice thing to do Wilfred, come on then!”

Both camels lolloped out on their own and came to a standstill at the east and west positions of the ring, either side of the safety net, facing out toward the audience. Again they looked up and watched Crusty and the chimp swinging away on the trapezes, but now Crusty was dangling from his legs looking down at his Bel.

Upside down now, Crusty waved both arms frantically at her.

[SIZE=“3”]“Bel! I cawn’t get deyhn. Wockle I do now?”[/SIZE]

She shouted back up to him with tears in her eyes.

[B][I][SIZE=“3”]“Tha’ll have’t just drop deyhn into this net. Come on Crusty owd lad. Remember when ya was a little lad back in Mombongo. Remember yer tree swinging then!”

“Reet Bel, bur’it’s o’er sixty year ago now. I don’t know if I con manage!”

“Ya’ll have to!”[/SIZE][/I][/B]

Still in mid-swing, Crusty turned again so that his hands gripped the trapeze, and continued to swing until he believed he was just in the right position to drop safely in the net.

Swing, swing, swing, swing, drop …

Down he came from a great height and landed in the safety net. The people who normally drop into safety nets are usually very slim, but as Crusty was no light weight, the net sunk further and further until his arse bounced off the floor which bounced him back up into the air again, arms and legs flung akimbo! The applause and laughter was thunderous.
“Help me Bel. I cawn’t stop bouncing now!”

Up and down he went, and the audience were totally ecstatic by Crusty’s act, but after the eighth bounce he somehow went sideways and landed with a thump on Wilfred’s back, facing the wrong way.

There was rapturous applause and Crusty got a standing ovation.

Bel couldn’t see a thing as her eyes were awash and her grin was transfixed to her face. She was laughing so hard that her jaws and stomach were killing her as she’d never seen anything so funny in her life.

It could only happen to Crusty.

Wilfred and Jemima winked at each other and lolloped off again out of the Big Top with Crusty still bouncing on Wilfred’s back and still facing the wrong way.

Bel watched them disappear, hands on hips!

On and on they went over the fields, through Standish town centre and lolloped down Wigan Lane, turning in at the Plantation Gates. The camels ducked down under the low hanging branches of the trees, but unfortunately poor Crusty was getting battered around the head again as he was desperately clinging onto Wilfred’s back.

Of course, so many people had seen them that it was very easy for the keepers to round the camels up again and take them back to the circus where they’d been taken six months after first encountering the Crusty.

A few hours later a huge vehicle came and took Wilfred and Jemima away again, but there was no sign of the Crusty!

© Mollie M
25.07.03

marpaul · 10 April 2012 23:17

It could only happen to crusty!! Another gool read Mollie, and the trapeze bit was funny. Wonder where he is now??

Mollie · 10 April 2012 23:59

Luckily for him, swinging from a height came second nature to him from when he was a lad, but he has disappeared into the unknown for a while.

Berxer · 14 April 2012 23:14

Hahaha, like Marian said, the trapeze part was hilarious Very good

Wonder what happened to Crusty…did he get the hump?

Mollie · 15 April 2012 00:14

[B][CENTER]121

Crusty Takes Off
(Where Can He Be?)[/CENTER][/B]

Following the events at the Circus, Bel retrieved the two pairs of shoes Crusty had kicked off. Several days went by and still there was no sign of him. It appeared that he hadn’t returned home as Bel had telephoned his landline many times during all the hours of the day and night and, either his mobile had been switched off, or it hadn’t been charged up and there was no signal.

She’d been leaving him alone to cool his heels for a day or two, but was now getting really worried as Crusty was never missing for long. Quite the reverse! He was always there moidering and pestering!

She decided to go to his house and see if she could find any clues as to his whereabouts, so she jumped onto her Harley Davidson and set off. She’d found him before in the past with only sketchy information to hand. Half an hour later, she pulled the 1000 cc bike up at the front of 13 Bakewell Drive and stopped at the door of the newly named Crustyville.

Since he’d originally made his house sign, he’d added to it using his crayons by drawing what passed as a ten gallon hat, a pipe and a funny shaped horse, all to remind him of his jaunt on the prairie with his Bel.

There was a note pinned to the door with a six inch nail and the words made Bel’s heart leap into her mouth.

[CENTER][FONT=“Fixedsys”][SIZE=“5”]ruN awAy fROm hOme[/SIZE][/FONT][/CENTER]

“Wot the bluddy hell!!”

She ripped the note off, took out her key and entered into the dark hallway. Nothing stirred. More to the point, nothing smelled! She removed her crash helmet. She’d also been wearing her black leathers and biking boots and with her height and nineteen stone bulk she favvered Darth Vader in a bad mood!

“Where in the world can he be? I don’t even know where to start looking this time for th’owd sod. There’s no scribbling on his telephone pad. His car’s still here so wherever he is, he’s on foot, and smelly little buggers they are as well!”

She checked all the rooms, leaving his bedroom till last because of the spectres that lurked in the corner in a haze of niff. They were all there. The OBJ, Sniffy and Whiffy, Good Old Stinky, Jim and Jam and the others. However, his new old beigey had gone!

“That’s funny! He’s always got the socks and knickers on. He very rarely teks 'em off but somehow he’s managed’t peel 'em off and there they are! Neh then lads! D’ya know where yer pappy is?”

The OBJ tried to speak up but couldn’t. However, he did manage to attract Bel’s attention.

“Hang on a minute. The OBJ’s there. He had it on last time I saw him. Gilbert’s velvet jacket and his owd trousers are here, and wot’s this? It’s the bin bag full o’ clobber tharra give to Crusty to tek to th’owd folks’ home wi’ him! Where the hell can he be then?”

Frantic with worry now she went back downstairs and started phoning round as many people as she knew that might have a clue. Jim hadn’t seen him in days and, on asking the customers, they said they’d seen neither hide nor fur of him for almost a week.

She phoned the Club and drew another blank, so decided to ring the hospitals to see if he’d been run over or something. Again she drew a blank. He wasn’t registered in any of the local hospitals, including the Mental Health Unit at Leigh Infirmary.

She was extremely worried and agitated by Crusty’s disappearance, so there was only one thing to do, and it was her last resort.

She phoned the Police.

“Yes madam may we help you?”

“I hope so. I’m Crustabel Leekey and I’d like to report a missing person.”

She gave them the details, and an hour later there was a heavy knock on Crusty’s front door.

The young lady Detective Constable smiled at her as she entered and got down to business right away.

Bel told her what she knew. Where he’d been before he disappeared, the fact that she knew he’d been back because th’owd blue jumper had been returned to his corner and th’owd black jacket had gone, etc.

Did he have any friends or relatives he might have gone to?

“No!”

Did he have any special interests like golf, or did he belong to a sports club?

“Are you kidding me?”

And so it went on.

She took personal details such as height, weight, description, etc.

“Is there anything outstanding at all about him so that we can circulate his description?”

“Well, not really. He’s gor’a bit of a deformed shoulder an’ he’s gor’a face like a condemned brillo pad an’ a cauliflower ear, burra don’t know wor’else ya want me’t say, except thar’e allers stinks rotten!”

Wor’a bluddy shame!

“Very well madam. We’ll begin our search but the RUN AWAY FROM HOME note doesn’t give us much of a clue. He’s sixty eight years old you said?”

“Yeh, going on six! He’s nor’exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer, burrall tell ya wot lass. When ya gets close to finding him ya’ll know 'cos ya’ll be able’t smell him first!”

“Right, thank you Miss Leekey. We’ll try to find him for you!”

“And when ya do, fetch him to me for his punishment! Ya’ve got my address. Don’t take him to a bluddy loony bin as he’ll have 'em all daft in no time! You could circulate the details to all the cafes as he’ll eventually go into one. He’ll not neglect his belly!”

“Good idea, thanks!”

Christmas came and went and the Police were no further along with their enquiries. It seemed that he’d just disappeared off the face of the earth. A great sadness had washed over Crustabel and worrying about the pigmy was making her ill. She’d let Jim know of Crusty’s disappearance and in turn he’d told his customers about it. Oddly enough, they started to worry about him as well.

It was just after Christmas when Bel was returning home from work when she spotted a huge lumpy thing in the deep snow behind her garage. She put the car away and went to see what the lumpy thing was, but it had gone. There were no footprints in the snow, but there were some odd tracks which she couldn’t decipher so, shrugging her shoulders, she went into the house and put the kettle on.

She took her cup of tea into her favourite living room and, despite the central heating, got a big log fire going as it was very cold outside, and Palethorpe snuggled up to her feet. As usual, her window was slightly ajar despite the frosty night and Bel closed her eyes for a few moments to wind down.

She started to remember a couple of Christmases ago when Crusty had stood at that very window bellowing Christmas songs at her through a megaphone. She smiled fondly at the memory and wiped a tear from her eye.

Suddenly her eyes flew opened, startled.

“Wot were that noise?”

Palethorpe looked up on hearing his mistress’s voice, then put his head down again and had a doze. Bel’s hearing was much sharper than that of the dog and she knew
she’d heard something. There was another noise coming from somewhere in the house, but Bel couldn’t tell where it was.

Clatter, bump!

Palethorpe leapt up this time and started barking his head off.

“Worisit lad? Have we gor’a burglar? Go see! Go see Palethorpe!”

Poor little bugger.

The little sausage dog scampered off sniffing at the ground. Up the stairs he went while Bel waited. As the little dog climbed the stairs, sniffing and snuffling, he knew there was something wrong. He could smell something peculiar like Uncle Crusty’s sweaty feet or something, but as he was only a dog he couldn’t pinpoint it exactly. Up and up he went and, being only a short wheel based racing rat with very short legs, his poor little crown jewels bumped on every stair that he climbed!

[I]Sniff, sniff!

Bump, bump!

Throb, throb![/I]

He scampered through every room on the ground floor and upstairs until he came upon the attic stairs. That was when his ears really pricked up, and the little dog dutifully padded up the thickly carpeted steps, not making a sound.

[I]Sniff, sniff!

Bump, bump!

Throb, throb![/I]

The door to the attic was slightly open and he pushed his cold wet nose through to see what was on the other side. In the darkness the dog saw a huge lumpy figure move and his heart almost stopped. Palethorpe shrieked, and it was followed by another shriek from the huge lumpy figure.

Bel thundered up the stairs to the dog, her heart beating like a drum in her chest.

“Whoever y’are ya’ll bluddy cop it when I get to ya!”

[B][I]Clatter, bump, thump.

“Oof!”[/I][/B]

[SIZE=“3”]“There’s no escape from up theer! Th’only road out is down these stairs and ya’ll not get past me unless ya jumps from’t window. I’ll bluddy well gi’ ya a good hiding to nowhere!”[/SIZE]

Mollie · 15 April 2012 00:20

[B][I]Clatter!

“Ouch!”[/I][/B]

She reached the top of the stairs and threw the door wide open, switching on the light as she did so.

[SIZE=“3”]“Crusty!”[/SIZE]

“Hiya Bel.”

“Ne’ mind bluddy hiya Bel! Get down them stairs right now! You’ve gor’a lot of explaining to do!”

“Just coming Bel!”

His tongue lolled out in fear as he trundled after her with an ungainly step.

Lollop, lollop.

Back in the living room, Bel stood over the Crusty waiting for an explanation, but he was quaking away wringing his hands and rocking and rolling on his ankles, afraid to speak.

“Reet! How long have ya been festering away in my attic?”

“Only two days Bel, honest!”

“Weer were ya before then?”

“It’s a long story Bel an’am bluddy hungry. I’ve nor’ad owt t’ayte proper since I run away from home, 'cos nobody’d feed me and wot lickle money I had in me pockets weren’t enough!”

Although angry, she was relieved to see him again so she ushered him through to the kitchen and made him fried eggs and sausages on toast.

“Crusty do you know how long it is since ya did yer disappearing act?”

Gollop, slavver, drool, drip, hanch, mnyam!

“No, I’ve lost all track o’ time!”

[SIZE=“3”]"Two bluddy months![/SIZE] I’ve had the Police looking for ya, now where’ve ya bin? Yer not goin’t tell me ya was abducted by bluddy aliens again are ya?"

“Not by aliens Bel no, burra was abducticated in a sort of a way!”

“Tell me all about it then. Hang on a bit, I’ll just phone the Police and ler’em know yer back!”

She made the phone call and the Police said that they were glad that Mister Nibbleswick had been found safe and well. Case closed!

“Neh then. Tell me all about it!”

“Well, when I run away from home I didn’t know where to go. I didn’t go in me lickle car ‘cos even I had enough sense to know thar’it could easily be traced wi’ that number plate so I left it behind.”

Bel was impressed.

“I put me hobo outfit on that ya made me a long while ago, packed a few belongings in me lickle spotted hanky that ya gid me and ‘ooked it o’er me black stick and took some butties wi’ me, but they didn’t last long! Well, they only lasted half an hour really!”

“Get to the bluddy point will ya? I don’t want to be here all neet!”

He could see she was getting aggravated with him again.

“The poink? Alreet owd lass. Howld on to yer britches. I kept on walking an’ a man stopped me in’t street and asked me for a leet. I towd him I didn’t smook but he could see I’d bin crying so he asked me if he could help. I towd him I were bluddy hungry so he towd me to ger’in his car an’ he’d tek me for a feed. Well Bel! I didn’t know he were a bit weird didda? Any road, he took me to this place in Hindley an’ it were like a … I cawn’t remember wot ya calls 'em … er … begins with a C!”

“A caff?”

“No Bel! I know now! A commune! He said tharrad be well looked after an’ all I had to do was lissen to a few Bible stories and hand out some leaflets for God. Well, ya knows I like them stories Bel, so it sounded like a good deal to me!”

He took a breath and had a sip of his tea, hands still shaking.

Guzzle, guzzle!

Bel sat there stunned and started to feel a little bit sorry for him. How did he manage to get himself into these situations?

“Any road up, I spent a while wi’ ‘em and then I decided I wanted to go back home again because I missed ya Bel. I packed me stuff up again and set off, but they stopped me Bel and towd me I couldn’t leave as I had the Lord’s work to do. After that they kept taking me out wi’ these leaflet things, burra was never on me own. There was always somebody watching me so tharra couldn’t ger’away! Plus, I think they might’ve given me summat in me dinners as well because I kept feeling funny an’a kept seeing these lickle pink ephelumps on’t ceiling. D’ya think it could’ve bin that cannabis again Bel?”

She nodded.

“Could’ve bin lad, burra think it could’ve bin summat stronger this time, bur’it does sound like ya’d bin drugged. Carry on.”

“So I ended up just throwing me dinners away, an’a were bluddy hungry, bur’at least I started thinking normally again!”

She put her hand to her mouth to cover the snort that almost came out.

“So how did ya escape then, owd lad?”

“Why, we were all in this big room t’other neet and the preacher were tellin’ us some tales from’t Bible when - an’ ya’ve got to remember Bel that me bally were empty by now an’ad stored a lorra wind up - I ler’off a great big massive fart an’ oooh it did stink. I nearly even gassed meself, but when I did it everybody run off into another room, so I spied me chance then an’a took off out o’t door. Because it were so bad nobody followed me back into that room an’ it were’t th’only room that led to an outside door, so I peyled off as fast as me lickle legs’d carry me.”

“But how did ya ger’all’t way from Hindley to Mawdesley owd lad?”

“Me bus pass Bel. I had it wi’ me for once, only it took me nearly four hours to get here!”

“I’m not surprised! It’s only about fifteen miles but ya could’ve flown to Greece in that time! Reet, well we’ll go to’t Police Station and I’ll tell 'em all about this arty farty weirdo commune. Wot they’ve done is illegal so don’t worry lad. We’ll ger’em sorted out!”

“Ta Bel!”

“But why didn’t ya just knock on me door instead of hiding in me attic and why did ya run away from home in’t first place?”

“Well it were after all that to do in’t Circus Bel. I figured ya was goin’t give me a bluddy good bashing for worrad done so I decided to run off, an’a were frikkened of ya seeing me 'cos I’d getten in yer house as well. I se’ed ya come home tonight an’a hid in’t snow till ya’d gone. I hope ya don’t mind Bel, burra had a shower while ya were at work. I stunk bluddy rotten again an’a knew I’d blow me cover!”

“Well, at least ya noticed owd lad! There were no foot prints outside, burra did see some funny tracks. Was that thee?”

“Aye, it would’ve bin!”

She sighed heavily and then another thought occurred to her.

“Why didn’t ya just go home again?”

“I knew that’s where the people from the commune might look for me 'cos I’d towd 'em weer I live so I come here!”

“And how the hell did ya ger’in? This place is like Fort bluddy Knox when I’m out, not to mention me state of the art security system!”

“Easy Bel. There’s a lickle window that leads into yer basemink at the back an’ it’s broken Bel. I managed’t squeeze through it then legged it up to yer attic!”

“Me basement? I kept wondering why me bluddy larder and fridge had less and less in it. I kept thinking I’d bin aytein’ more than I should’ve!”

“No Bel, it were me! Ya had some lovely grub in! I really enjoyed that fresh Scottish salmon and them funny lickle eggs!”

"Ya’ve etten me Scottish Salmon and me bluddy quails eggs? Have ya gor’any idea how much they cost them?

She raised her hand about to give him a pelt, but when she saw him flinch back she stopped herself.

“Well ya was welcome owd lad! I’d best get that window sorted out as well! Neh then, worrava towd ya about talkin’ to strangers?”

“I know Bel, am sorry. I were that frikkened of wot ya was goin’t do at me for gerrin into mischief at the Circus so I just took off.”

“I wasn’t goin’t do anything at ya lad. It were a bluddy good laugh an’a saw ya in as close to yer natural surroundings tharrave ever seen, wi’ ya being way up there swinging and doin’ yer monkey tricks. It were a bluddy scream!”

“Oh, I wish I’d known. It weren’t my fault neither tharra took off on that camel’s back Bel, honest. It just started lollopin’ off as soon as I landed on it an’a didn’t know where it were tekkin’ me 'cos I were on it the wrong road round! D’ya know summat Bel, I’ll swear it were’t same 'un as spit at me a few year ago!”

“Oh aye! I remember ya tellin’ me about that! That were a bluddy good laugh too!”

“I’m glad I amuse ya Bel!”

“Why didn’t ya ring me on yer little mobile phone?”

“They took it off me Bel. They said mobile phones were the Devil’s way of communicating and they weren’t allowed in the commune. They’ve still gor’it!”

“Have they now. Reet, no problems, I’ll ger’it back for ya! I shelled out a bit extra so that the Network could track it if ya lost it!”

They sat in silence for a few moments.

“Crusty?”

Mollie · 15 April 2012 00:29

“Worisit this time Bel?”

“Wot the bluddy hell hast getten on thi’ feet?”

His face changed and he looked so very, very sad.

“Well Bel, when I kicked me shoes off at the Circus I’d nowt on me feet, ‘ceptin’ for me socks, burra hadn’t noticed at first wi’ bein’ on that camel’s back. It were only when I fawd off tharra realised, so I had to go lollopin’ off in me stocking feet and they were bluddy cowd. Any road up, the first shop I came to I went in an’ explained that somebody had nicked me shoes so they gid me these two carrier bags.”

“I’m sick o’ seein’ ya in a pair o’ carrier bags!”

“I’m sick o’ wearin’ ‘em Bel. They’re cowd an’a keep standin’ on lickle stones on’t ground. Me bluddy feet are full o’ bruises!”

“Wor’a bluddy shame. Them carrier bags will be wot made them funny tracks in’t snow. Ne’ mind owd lad. I’ve getten yer owd boots again. I’ll ger’em for ya in a minute!”

Just then Palethorpe trundled over to Crusty, then sat up on his back legs and started pawing at Crusty’s knee.

“Hello lickle man. Are ya saying hello to yer Uncle Crusty? Yer a good boy aren’t ya?”

Palethorpe’s tongue dangled down dripping like Crusty’s.

“Ya know summat Crusty, ya really ger’on well wi’t dog don’t ya?”

“I do that Bel. I likes dogs!”

“Well why don’t ya get one of yer own then for some cump’ny?”

“I thowt about thar’ages ago Bel, burra didn’t bother.”

“Did ya ever have a dog when ya were younger?”

“Oh aye. We hadda dog when I were a lickle lad. Eeee, he were a grand owd lad and we called him Archie.”

“That’s nice Crusty. Did ya enjoy tekkin’ him for walks?”

“Yeh, we were always off together somewhere. He were twelve year owd when he de’ed, but he managed’t have four lots o’ puppies and they were proper luvly Bel!”

She stifled a giggle. His mother and father had had a dog for twelve years, called him Archie and didn’t question when HE had puppies! No wonder Crusty was so bluddy daft!

“Well, ya can always have a borrow of Palethorpe if ya like. He seems to have taken to ya, but that’s only 'cos he dun’t know how daft y’are!”

“Ta Bel. Bel?”

“Wot?”

“Am glad to be back home again!”

“Yer nor’a’wom. This is my house. Remember?”

“Oh aye, I know but ya know worra mean. Can I stop here, just for tonight please while I’ve had a shower an’am nice and clean?”

“Okay, just for tonight, then I’ll drive ya wom in’t morn. I’ll tek ya round to’t Police Station tomorrow night to report wor’appened to ya, okay owd lad?”

“Okay Bel. You’ll be wi’ me though won’t ya?”

“Of course I will me owd smelly pigmy!”

“Thanks Bel. Am bluddy hungry again Bel. Hast getten owt t’ayte?”

She made them another supper then retired for the night.

Bel took Crusty to the Police Station and reported his abduction and the fact that they’d stolen his brand new mobile phone. Luckily, for once, Crusty had been sitting up and taking notice of where he’d been taken and the Police very quickly found the commune in which Crusty had been imprisoned against his will and under-fed.

It was found to be quite a den of iniquity and about forty people were rounded up and arrested. The Police found all sorts there. There were illegal drugs, perversions of all kinds of nasty videos and stolen goods, all of which were bagged and tagged.

They’d been going to groom Crusty for picking pockets on the main streets of Wigan and Bolton, but they hadn’t managed to gain his trust. Trouble was, they hadn’t realised that Crusty could never be a successful cut-purse because as soon as he got close to anyone they’d move away very swiftly, so they were on a loser from the beginning.

[CENTER]-oo0oo-[/CENTER]

It was six months later now and of course he was back at home. His Bel was at his stove cooking him a gradely pan of chips for his tea. He was remembering the events over Christmas and how he’d almost fallen foul of the law through his involvement with the commune, which had been no fault of his own.

It never is!

“Bel?”

“Worisit owd lad?”

“How come I’m allers gerrin in mischief? It happens to me even when am nor’even trying.”

“Dunno owd lad. Ya must be just one o’ them people as is allers in’t wrong place at wrong time!”

“In’t it funny how ya allers manages’t get me out o’ trouble though? Can ya imagine wot would happen to me if you weren’t around?”

“I’ll always be around Crusty. Ya can’t get rid o’ me thar’easy owd fettler!”

Suddenly she turned round from the cooker as she heard him sniffling.

“Worra ya skrykin’ for now?”

“I feel proper depressed Bel. I wish we were still in’t 1950s.”

He sat hunched up with his chin in his hands and sighed.

She put the chips onto the plates and sat down at the table with him.

“Well, I’ll tell ya wot we can do this weekend. We’ll go to’t Wigan Pier and have a look round the museum there. We can go into’t pub there for a nice meal. Then we’ll go for a ride on that little tour boat and back and then go into th’owd Trencherfield Mill and see how they used’t make things and stuff. We’ll sit on the grassy bank by the river and remember things from’t fifties and only talk about the fifties all day. Does that sound like a good idea to you owd lad?”

He brightened up a little.

“Bel! That is one of the very bestest ideas ya’ve ever had all’t time I’ve known ya! It’s reet on our door step! Wot day do we go?”

“We’ll go this Sunday owd lad. I’ll pick y’up about ten and we’ll make a day of it eh? In fact, instead of goin’ for a meal at the Orwell I’ll make us a picnic instead 'cos the weather’s supposed to be gerrin better now thar’it’s July!”

“Okay Bel. Am lookin’ proper forward to that so I’ll think up some 1950s things for us to talk about.”

“Good lad. Neh then, get thi’ chips etten!”

Berxer · 15 April 2012 20:15

Yet another good read So, he was taken in by the bible bashers - good job he remembered where their commune was - good old Crusty

Glad he’s back with us, it wouldn’t be a story without him

marpaul · 18 April 2012 23:14

Enjoyed that Mollie. Never imagined for one minute that he would be accosted by bible bashers Pleased he’s back home getting ready for his next adventure

Mollie · 18 April 2012 23:18

Thanks Marian. Poor Crusty; he really does get into some scrapes, doesn’t he, but Bel’s always there for him in the end, lucky owd divil?

The next adventure is in two parts. I got started and couldn’t stop, so I split it into two chapters. I hope you enjoy those as well.

Mollie · 18 April 2012 23:30

[B][CENTER]122

Crusty & Bel Go Time Travelling
(and Talk About Old Times!)[/CENTER][/B]

Bel had made the decision to make Sunday an extra special day for Crusty, so she made a few phone calls on the Saturday morning before. The big day arrived and she knocked on his front door at 10 o’clock. Crusty whisked it open with a great big beam on his face.

“Hiya Bel. Am ready for our 1950s day. Do I look alreet?”

“Where’s’t getten them from? Wor’ast getten on this bluddy time?”

“D’ya like me Teddy boy outfit Bel? I went for a rummage round’t charity shops yesterday an’ a found this suit! It does fit me Bel.”

[I]“I know it fits ya, I can see that but … bluddy hell Crusty … are ya really goin’t go out lookin’ like that?”[/I

“Yis Bel!”

“Ya likes standing out in a crowd don’t ya, drawing attention to yerself? Okay, come on then, but don’t be surprised if everybody stares at ya!”

What was he wearing, I hear you ask?

As he’d said, he’d scoured the charity shops looking for suitable attire that would befit such a special day, and he’d eventually found them. The suit was a real Teddy boy suit which someone had kept lovingly hung in plastic for fifty odd years. It was scarlet red with a black velvet collar and cuffs on the jacket, which came down to his knees. There was also some beautiful piping work down each sleeve in a figure of eight. Whoever had owned it had been about as tall and as wide as Crusty when it was new, so the owner must have looked a right idiot, especially if he’d worn the old crepe-soled brothel creepers with it as well, but Crusty was wearing his little black sweaty vinyl boots with half an inch of yellowish/greyish Sniffy and Whiffy showing.

The drainpipes clung to Crusty’s skinny little dangly legs and they made his size sevens boots look as big as flippers. With his belly sticking out the front, and his arse sticking out the back, he favvered a beach ball on legs from the side. He’d also got on an almost white shirt and had found a bootlace tie from somewhere. Probably from an old boot!

Bel had to admit that he did look quite smart for once, albeit from an era long gone by.

They got into her Volvo and took off for Wigan Town Centre which was literally a ten minute drive down the road from Crusty’s hovel, and parked up on the adjacent car park then went into the Wigan Pier museum.

Bel took him round showing him things of interest, and pictures of Wigan as it used to be a long time ago then, when they’d done all that, they went and sat on the river bank and Bel opened her picnic carrier bags. It would be an hour before the tour boat came back so they decided to kill some time eating and chatting in the sunshine.

“Here’s yer snap owd lad. Neh then, can ya remember wot your street looked like back in the fifties?”

“It weren’t a street Bel. Gee’s Court was just a lickle square, bur’it were just off Harrogate Street weer’t new old cop shop is today. Th’owd cop shop used’t be on King Street next to’t Court and’t new Court’s on Darlington Street now. It’s a lot different than it used be. I wouldn’t be able’t sit in’t road at Harrogate Street now picking tar from between’t cobbles when’t sun’s beating down. In fact, there is no cobbles now! They’ve even tekken them away from us!”

“Aye, ya’d get yer bluddy yed run o’er now if ya did that and no danger as it’s a proper busy road now! Well wor’about Darlington Street? Ya’ve mentioned that before. Can ya remember any o’t shops down theer?”

He puffed himself up with pride.

“Oh I can indeed Bel. There was Mister Mathers’ telly shop in’t middle an’ it faced Harrogate Street, then down on’t right side there were Roy Simpson’s men’s clothes shop, then’t Jolly Mill where Edie used’t sell wool and knitting pattinks, and’t butcher on th’end were called Humphrey. There were some others in between and then there were Schofield’s pie shop, then a toffee shop where I used’t buy me Midget Gems and Fruitips and me Flying Saucers wi’ sherbert in, then …”

“Alreet, go back t’other way now.”

“On’t t’other side o’t telly shop there were’t Post Office and they sold balloons called Conky. When ya blowed ‘em up they were grey wi’ a big face an’ a great big red conk that stuck out like mine. That’s why they were called Conky!”

“Yeh lad, I managed to work thar’out all by meself!”

“Yer proper clever you Bel! Then there was Taylor’s shop where they sold nice paintings of countryside and seascapes and stuff, then’t bed shop. I used’t go a-bouncin’ on their beds when I were lickle but they clod me out every time they caught me, probably 'cos I were about eighteen or nineteen then! Then there was Mrs Varley’s grocery shop, the White City chippy and …”

“Stop there Crusty. Go across the road now!”

“Ya wants me’t cross over’t road Bel?”

“Aye, go on lad but watch out for’t traffic!”

“Me mam allers used’t see me across’t road Bel. Will I be okay?”

“Get gone ya daft sod! It’s only in yer rememberings, not real!”

“Oh aye!”

She was absolutely amazed at his recall. She started to wonder if he was still in his hypnotic state from a few years ago. After all, he could never remember the last time he changed his socks, but his memory of fifty odd years ago was very clear.

He had another little think.

“Across’t road Bel? That was on my side o’t street anyway. Well, I remembers Slater’s chemist on’t corner just after Cornelius Latchford’s place. It were a proper funny name that but he was registrar for deeths, births and marriages. Then there was a newspaper shop, then Norman Leather’s. He sold musical instruminks and records and stuff and ya could allers hear him tinklin’ on’t piano when ya walked past. That’s where I met Soreen! Then there was this man called Dick Calland who sold beltin’ toys and bikecycles. He were a proper nice man an’ he sometimes let me play wi’ some of the things as well! Ya see Bel, I can remember a lorra things, so I must have some brains in me yed.”

“No lad, ya’ve only got that one brain cell, burra must admit thar’it seems to have more in it than I thowt! I thowt thi’ yed were just full o’ jolly robins! Wor’else can ya remember Crusty?”

“Well there were some trams as well as buses that run on lines in them days, but there weren’t a lorra traffic like there is now. There was some electric street lighting burra remember’t gas mon coming to light the mantle on’t gas lamp at th’end of Harrogate Street before they finally got shut o’ thar’an’ all! We ended up slinging a rope o’er it and swinging round it. I bashed me bluddy hooter a time or two!”

“Things have changed a lot haven’t they owd lad?”

“Aye, an’ it’s nor’all for the better for’it neither Bel!”

“Owt else ya can remember?”

“Yis Bel. Next to Dick Calland’s there were two houses, then The Harrogate Pub, so I’ll go across Harrogate Street now and, on that corner there were Ernie’s shop where everybody congregated to buy their groceries and stuff. I can remember’t pet shop, the clothes shops and the toy shops as well. Amma doing good Bel?”

“Remarkable!”

“Ta! Er … Bel?”

“Worisit owd bean?”

“I want a pee!”

“Well go for one then. There’s some lavvies in’t pub just there. But go straight there and straight back. I don’t want to have to come lookin’ for ya again, an’ no guzzling any bluddy ale at that bar!”

“Okay Bel. Not be long.”

He scampered off and five minutes later he was back with a happy smile on his face.

“Ya know wot Bel. They’re a wonderful invention them aren’t they?”

“Wot?”

“Bogs! Whoever invented them were proper clever making 'em flush like that!”

He’d remembered to flush the toilet, surprise, surprise!

“Well ya know owd lad they didn’t allers flush. When they were first invented in th’olden days they were just like a big wooden box with a hole in it that people had to sit on and do it down th’hole. It’d just fester away on’t ground underneath until’t sh!t mon come a-cleaning!”

“Sh!t mon? Wot did he have’t do Bel?”

“Well, he’d have’t tunnel underneath from outside under’t clozzit and scrape up any droppings that he found!”

Crusty wrinkled up his big nose in disgust.

“That’s 'orrible Bel. It must’ve stunk rotten!”

“D’ya know lad, the man who originally invented the flushing bog was called Thomas Crapper!”

Crusty started tittering his head off.

“Ger’away! Yer havin’ me on Bel!”

“No I’m not. Swear to God! That’s where we get the word crap from today!”

“It must’ve bin a’norrible job that. I wonder wot would’ve ‘appened if the sh!t mon had bin in’t miggle of a good scrapin’ out and somebody’d sat on’t bog and did a turd on his yed! He’d’ve come out lookin’ like a chocolate Curly Top! If it’d got stuck to his forehead he’d’ve favvered a unicorn!”

Bel was tittering her head off.

“Ya daft sod!”

“I wonder how much they got paid for shifting folkses doings!”

“Dunno bur’it wouldn’t be much! Crusty, tuck yer shirt in proper! Yer showing all next month’s bluddy washing! Wor’else d’ya remember?”

“I were just thinking about when they used’t have proper walking days back then. Everybody used’t get their dining chairs and stools out and pur’em on th’end o’t pavement so they could sit down and watch ‘em walk. Me mam always used’t buy me a colour for me’t wave at ‘em. I used’t enjoy that, and them brass bands were beltin’ an’ all. I got me first owd black jacket in’t fifties as well. The one you know is me second. Did I tell ya tharra gor’it for Soreen’s funeral when her weren’t even dead?”