Enjoyed that chapter Mollie. Looking forward to reading about Bell going to see Crustie’s mum :-D:-D
Thanks for reading, lass. 
[B][CENTER]142
An Old Lady Tells a Tale
(and Fills in a Few Blanks!)[/CENTER][/B]
It was several hours later before Bel felt sober enough to get behind the wheel of her car and, after instructing Mrs Shepherd to strip Crusty’s bed for the washer and throw the night dress he’d worn in the bin, she took him home then drove over to The Gables. Hearing about Mambo still being alive had completely knocked her for six and she was still trying to come to terms with it.
At the reception desk she asked to see Mrs Mambo Nibbleswick after explaining to them who she was and that she was a friend of her son Crusty. On hearing the name Crusty, the poor receptionist went as white as a sheet and tottered off in her sensible shoes to fetch someone more senior.
Nearly half an hour passed and Bel was beginning to get very impatient, but she didn’t know that the name Crusty was going around the building and that everyone was diving for cover. Some of the bed-ridden patients were hurriedly pushed out on trolleys and wheelchairs by the more able, and it wasn’t long before the corridors, wards and day rooms were cleared of people, leaving the facility like a ghost ship.
Eventually, the senior nurse on duty came out shaking with fear until she noticed that Crusty was nowhere in sight then, relaxing a little, she spoke to a grim-faced Bel.
“You took yer time!”
“Sorry about that. There was an emergency and we had to call an ambulance for an old man who suddenly had a heart attack. Now then! I understand you’ve come to see Mrs Nibbleswick!”
“That’s right! I’m a friend of her son, Crusty!”
“Well I’m sorry, but she’s a very old lady and Crusty is an extremely disturbing influence, not just on her but on everybody else.”
She tentatively looked into each corner of the reception area.
“Where’s he hiding? It’s a little joke of his every time he comes. He goes and hides somewhere and then when you’re not expecting it he leaps out of a cupboard or
something shouting boo! He’s always frightening the patients out of their wits and he always seems to smell horrible!”
“Oh yes, he always stinks rotten. It’s the farts and his stinkin’ feet! Don’t worry though, he’s not here!”
“Thank God for that! Anyway, as I said, he isn’t welcome here because he disturbs everybody!”
“Oh I know what he’s like, believe me, but it really is very important that I see Mrs Nibbleswick. I’ve known Crusty for quite a number of years now, but I only found out last night that his mother is still alive and it’s completely bowled me over. I only want to chat to her, that’s all!”
“Very well Miss Leekey. You appear to be normal so I’ll take you to her! She doesn’t get many visitors, apart from Crusty, and she could really do without him.”
She was escorted to Mambo’s room and, for the first time, Bel saw Crusty’s mother who was rocking away merrily in a rocking chair to the tune of Wimoweh which she was singing loudly in a screaming high pitched voice.
[CENTER]Wimpeyweh, wimpeyweh, wimpeyweh, hey
In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight[/CENTER]
It wasn’t hard to see that in her youth she had been very beautiful and even in old age there was something exotic about her, even though she did have a face like a prune. Her skin was the colour of milky coffee. She had long dark hair only just going grey, had soft twinkling oval brown eyes and her mouth was devoid of teeth.
When Bel entered the room the old lady stopped caterwauling and looked up with a puzzled expression and cupped her left ear in her hand.
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] Who are you?"
“Hello! It’s Mambo isn’t it?”
Cupping her ear again she leaned forward, which was apparently something of a habit when speaking to people and did it every time she spoke, but her mind was as sharp as a razor.
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] Wor’a coincidence girly! My name’s Mambo as well. Come an’ sit ya down lass! Ya look as if ya could do wi’ tekkin’t weight off! Yer a bluddy crumper aren’t ya?"
“No Mambo! This is Bel here!”
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] Ya can hear bells lass? Thackle be a ringing in yer ears. Ya’d best see a doctor about that!"
The senior nurse left them to it closing the door and rolling her eyes up. She knew how difficult Mambo could be.
Realising that the old girl was a bit deaf, Bel raised her voice a little as she was sitting down.
“I’m a friend of Crusty, your son!”
Fear spread across the old lady’s face and she suddenly sat bolt upright, bringing the rocking chair to a standstill, her eyes wide in shock, her hair stood up on end and her mouth gaped open!
Crusty was right. She did look like a “mythacological Gordon creature”.
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] Yer going to send Crusty? Please don’t! Oh please lass! If ya’ve gor’any sense o’ decency an’ a spark o’ humanity in ya, ya’ll not send Crusty here! I beg yer sweet mercy lass. I’ll do anything, anything at all as long as ya don’t send Crusty again! Next time ya see him tell him I’ve de’ed!"
Bel could see that the old lady was about to have a seizure so she very quickly explained.
“No, no! I said I’m a FRIEND of Crusty. Don’t worry! He’s not coming! Please calm yourself.”
Mambo tapped her hearing aid then relaxed in her chair and started to rock again.
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] Thank the Lord, thank the Lord! I didn’t know he had any friends! He never used to apart from three weird looking buggers, but their names escape me now. Ya poor woman! If ya’ve made a friend o’ Crusty then I’ll guarantee that ya’ll never get shut of him, and ya’ll never have a moment’s peace! When did ya first meet th’owd fart?"
“I’ve known Crusty for a while now and he’s told me a few tales about when he were a little boy. I wondered if ya could tell me a few things about when he were young. Things he did, and things he gor’up to! Fill in a few empty spaces pr’aps? He’s something of a blank canvas and it’s very hard to know wot’s going on in his head!”
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh? [/SIZE] Well lass first off, there’s nowt goin’ on in his yed! Bur’anyway, there’s one thing I can remember as clear as day. It were like it were only yesterday. It were’t summer of 1940 and we hadn’t been o’er here very long. The silly lickle sod had hidden in me dolly tub playing some daft game when he were about six. Well! He’s not so big now bur’e were allers lickle for 'is age."
She stopped there for a moment, covered her mouth and started cackling. Her eyes were streaming with mirth and she started clapping her hands.
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] I think he were playing air raid shelters or summat daft like that! Any road up, it were washing day an’ad fillt dolly wi’ hot watter, then shoved me washing in to ler’em soak! Th’only trouble lass were tharra didn’t know he were in theer until I grabbed him from’t bottom by his lickle liberty bodice and knickers. I wondered where all’t bubbles had come from as I hadn’t pur’any Oxydol in yet, bur’it were him fartin’ and drowning that were making’t bubbles!"
She broke off again cackling and braying her heart out. Poor Mambo hadn’t had such a laugh in years and she was savouring every moment of it.
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] Any road up lass, I started rubbin’ him up and down me scrubbin’ board then he started splutterin’ and wailin’ about bein’ wet! I ‘ad an owd pig bristle scrubbin’ brush in me hand at the time an’ his poor lickle crusticles didn’t half cop it! They were red raw by’t time I realised worra were doing, poor lickle sod. I nearly ripped all’t bluddy skin off ‘em I did! They favvered two owd pimply gooseberries when I’d done! It were’t cleanest he’d ever bin! He didn’t half do some bluddy skrykin’ o’er that!"
Her mouth cracked wide open and she cackled in such a high pitch again that Bel had to cover her ears.
Bel also started laughing. No wonder poor old Crusty had an aversion to water and washing!
“I’m not surprised. Wot sort o’ soap did ya use back in them days?”
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] Oh! Well at first I used Lyril ‘cos it were’t cheppest until I could afford some Knights Castile or summat else. Me favourite were Camay, bur’it were a bit on th’expensive side so we ended up using some coal tar soap. That bluddy Lyril stunk like buggery, burra used’t scrub Crusty wi’ it once a month whether he needed it or not, nasty smelly lickle bugger!"
“He still uses Lyril!”
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] Ya wot lass?"
Bel was getting fed up of her saying “eh” at the beginning of every sentence.
“I said he still uses Lyril!”
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] Aye well! I remember back in around 1953 a block went missing from me cupboard and when I challenged him about it he swore it weren’t him, lying lickle snot rag! Naturally, because he didn’t like having a wash I believed him at first, burra soon found out thar’e’d stashed it away in his bottom drawer for a pressie for Soreen as a wedding present!"
Again she broke off for a moment while she recalled the occasion.
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh![/SIZE] I’ll ber’a bluddy shillin’ he never give it to her, tight owd sod an’ he’ll’ve kept it for himself, burra don’t know wot fo’! There’s only him thar’d make a bluddy block o’ soap last for fifty years!"
“Well, as a matter of fact he did eventually finish that block off, bur’it were down to’t size of a five pence piece. On the rare occasion thar’e used it he had to de-fluff it first. Ya’ll be surprised to hear thar’e managed to acquire another block a few years ago which he still uses when I make him go for a wash or a shower!”
They both sat silently for a few moments thinking about what had just been said then Bel spoke again.
“Crusty were telling me a few tales a while back when we had a 1950s day. He said ya used’t always see him across the road, even when he were in his late teens and early twenties!”
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] Aye lass that’s reet. Well! I used’t try and shove him under a bus more like, bur’e couldn’t half bluddy shift an’e allers made it to’t t’other side, an’ when he got there he’d grin like an ugly arsed orang-utan and wave at me, more’s the pity! He were all bluddy teeth and hair in them days!"
Bel bit her lip feeling sorry for Crusty for once.
“Wor’a bluddy shame!”
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] Wot d’ya mean, wor’a bluddy shame? You didn’t have’t bring him up otherwise ya wouldn’t say daft things like that!"
“I’m sorry. Is it true wot Crusty tells me about the coal man dropping you an extra bag o’ coal during rationing?”
The old girl started grinning and rocking again.
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] Aye lass, he did that! I allers knew when he were around when I could hear’t clatter of his clogs on’t cobbles! Fancy him telling ya that!"
She went quiet for a moment and a dreamy look came into her old eyes.
“Ooh! He were a proper bonny chap. Proper big muscles and he were proper good lookin’ an’ all under’t muck. Tommy Larkin were his name! I weren’t so bad meself in them days. I liked a bonny mon, and Egglentine favvered a bluddy pee line in’t snow at the side of him, may the gods show mercy on him! He were alreet in’t bedroom department as well,” she grinned.
“Crusty read me a poem that you wrote after your long journey from Mombongo! It must’ve been a very hard crossing on just an owd raft! I can’t imagine how you all survived!”
She looked at Bel, puzzled for a moment, her mind once again travelling back in time.
After five minutes she spoke.
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] Has he still getten that?"
“Oh yes! He was so proud when he read it out to me. He really loves you ya know Mambo!”
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] Well! I never liked the lickle sod, but that daft looking bugger Egglentine gid him me for a present. I’d’ve bin happier with a bockle of Evening in Paris or a bockle o’ Californian Poppy!"
“I can understand that Mambo!”
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] I mean! Let’s face it! Who in their reet bluddy mind would want farty bluddy Crusty as a pressie? His arse an’ his feet stunk bluddy rotten, bur’it weren’t really his fault ‘cos of his kipper slippers. That was until I had a bright idea and made him some nice lickle shoes out o’ hollowed out coconut shells! Ya should’ve seen him trying’t stand up in ‘em when he were a babby! It were a bluddy scream an’e looked proper cute in his own way when he were rockin’ along!"
“They couldn’t’ve bin very comfy for him though could they?”
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] I don’t know. I never thowt about it really, bur’e seemed happy enough scuttlin’ about in 'em on the rare occasions he stood up!"
“But you finally made it to England - to Wigan in fact!”
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] Aye lass we did and it were a long tiring journey. It took us nearly six month and we were bluddy hungry by’t time we landed as there were no chippies or caffs in’t middle o’t th’Atlantic Ocean back in them days! It took us a bluddy long time overland to get to’t sea in’t first place, bur’at least we’d plenty o’ grub on’t way."
“Didn’t Crusty’s little legs get tired walking all that way?”
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh![/SIZE] He didn’t walk lass. He swung from tree to tree most o’t time and he’d throw bananas and stuff down for us t’ayte!"
Bel’s eyes watered up again and she snorted involuntarily.
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] Any road up, once we got seckled in at Gees Court I kept trying’t lose him when I took him for walks in his pram, bur’e were like a bluddy boomerang and kept finding his way back, or some other daft bugger’d fetch him back! They all knew who he was even back then!"
She broke off for another quick cackle.
“I thought you brought him over when he was five! He couldn’t still have been in a pram then was he?”
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] Oh aye! He wouldn’t walk upright on his back legs on his own unless he had to, an’e were still in a pram when he were seven, or he went round on all fours, lazy lickle sod! He weren’t happy unless he had a set o’ wheels! After I made him walk on his back legs he made himself a Go-Kart out of his owd pram so as he wouldn’t have’t walk anywhere!"
“He’s always bin a lazy sod then?”
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] Oh that were nowt! It were another year before I managed’t ger’is dummy off him! He favvered bluddy weel karting down’t road wi’ his dummy in his mouth wearing his short pants an’ his owd black jacket tharrad cut down from one thar’is dad didn’t want anymore. It were full of holes, but Crusty liked it. Any road, when I gor’is dummy off him I gid him a banana’t suck instead!"
“So that’s why he loves his food so much?”
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] Oh no! He were allers a greedy lickle bugger, even when he were born! He’d ayte sh!t wi’ sugar on if there were nowt else! D’ya know summat Mambo? When he were doing his rituals to become a man he kept aytein’ all’t bluddy bananas thar’e were supposed to fetch down out o’t tree!"
“Yes, he told me about thar’as well. I must admit though that that poem was absolutely brilliant!”
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] I didn’t write the poem lass, Egglentine did. He were cleverer than me at writing, bur’I towd him wot fot put!"
Bel’s eyes were streaming by now and she blew her nose.
“Crusty also told me about when he used’t have’t trudge down to th’outside lav on a cowd winter’s neet in Gees Court, and ya had newspaper hanging in squares on a nail on’t back o’t door.”
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] Oh aye! Everybody were in’t same boat in them days lass! We started off wi’ newspaper, bur’it were allers damp and ya ended up wi’t th’eadlines tattood to yer arse. Any road up, I ended up gerrin some Izal at one point 'cos Eggy were earning decent money on’t buses!"
“Oh, that’s right. I remember Crusty telling me now. He was a bus conductor wasn’t he? He gor’a job wi’ Wigan Corporation didn’t he after he’d done a stint in’th Army or summat?”
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] That’s reet! Trouble was, that Izal was more of a bluddy distributor than a wiper! Crusty allers used’t come back wi’ sh!t all’t road up his back an’ it were down to me to ger’it scraped off again. Eggy were bluddy useless at owt like that! It got so bad tharra ended up sewing some bluddy mud flaps to Crusty’s knickers, bur’it were just as bad as it went all’t road down his legs instead!"
Bel pulled a face then started tittering. Not much had changed.
“Crusty does know that yer nor’is real mam though, dun’t he?”
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] Aye lass, he does. I made that very clear to him a long while ago, bur’e still calls me mam. I can’t imagine wor’is real mam were like, nasty owd bag. He dun’t tek after his dad so he must tek after her, an’ it didn’t matter how many manners we tried to teach him, it made no difference at all!"
“But Egglentine was his real father though wasn’t he?”
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] Yis lass he were, bur’it were reckoned amongst the tribal members that Crusty’s real mam must’ve getten pregnant twice at the same time. Once by Egglentine, and once by an owd hairy arsed chimp or summat, and the two babbies somehow got merged when they were developing and that they fused together which turned out to be a daft Crusty!"
“Eh? Are you serious? That’s impossible! I know that can happen with cats but not with humans!”
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] Who said he were human? Well anyway, that’s wot th’elders said and they were’t cleverest of all men! Their word was law!"
Bel started mumbling to herself.
“Well if they were’t cleverest poor owd Crusty never really stood much of a chance then did he?”
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] Ya wot lass? Speyk up! I know ya’d never think it burram a bit Mutt and Jeff!"
Ger’away!
“Oh, it was nothing.”
Mambo leaned forward and looked more closely at Bel.
“Ya know summat Mambo. Ya don’t look like a tribeswoman to me!”
“I’m Bel, remember?”
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] Aye lass. I can hear bells as well now!"
“Can I visit you again sometime Mambo?”
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] Course ya can lass. I’ve enjoyed telling ya about Crusty. Ya know summat lass! Ya wants to keep away from him. He’s nor’a full bluddy shillin’ an’ he’s as deef as a bluddy post! How long have ya known him?"
“Several years now, and he is a bluddy handful!”
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] Tha’ preaching to’t converted. I had him for nigh on forty odd years on and off and when Soreen buggered off and left him he tried to move back in wi’ me, burra couldn’t be doing wi’ that. It felt as if I’d only just getten shut of him. That daft bugger thowt her’d de’ed an’ he paid for a funeral, flowers, breakfast an’ everything. It didn’t half make his bluddy eyes water havin’t fork out, bur’er’d stowed away on a ship to Australia so I don’t know whose funeral he paid for!"
“Yes I know. I met Soreen when she came over to ger’a divorce from Crusty and we went to see him at the cafe he works at and …”
[SIZE=“3”]"EH?[/SIZE] Ya mean to tell me that that nasty owd bugger works in a caff?"
“Yes, but don’t worry. He’s not allowed to handle food. He delivers trays of food and cups of tea and mops the floor as he’s going!”
“Oh well, that’s alright then!”
“Anyway I was telling you. He had the shock of his bluddy life when he saw Soreen again after all them years, and he thought I’d dug her up! Crusty told me all about the funeral as well, but ya didn’t have’t tell him ya were on yer death bed!”
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] Well there were nowt else thar’d keep him away, bur’e’s like a bluddy sniffer dog. He found me again so whenever he shows up I makes a quick exit!"
“Most people do, poor owd lad!”
Mambo stared so hard at this last remark that Bel felt as if her eyes were burning through the back of her head.
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] Poor owd lad? Ya must be joking. Ya must be a bluddy glutton for punishment, that’s all I can say! He’d make the Great Mombongo God Xthtynxinixth swear, he would!"
Eh? That sounded like Delroy saying stinky knicks?
“That’s truer than you think! Well thank you for seeing me Mambo. I’ll let you rest now so I’ll be off!”
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] Yer going for some scoff lass? Aye, am gerrin a bit peckish meself so it must be gerrin on for tay time!"
“I will call on you again though for another chat if that’s okay. I’ve enjoyed this very much!”
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] So have I lass. I don’t get many visitors these days. I’ll tell you a few more tales of wor’e gor’up to next time ya comes. I’ll be more prepared next time!"
“Bye for now then!”
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] Ya’ll be telling Crusty that ya’ve bin a-visiting I suppose?"
“Oh yes Mambo. I’ll have a chat with him about his visits to you. I’ll try to stop him coming if that’s wot you want!”
[SIZE=“3”]"Eh?[/SIZE] There’s nothing I’d like more lass, burra don’t mind him coming every once in a while! Once every five years should cover it!"
“Okay then, I’ll see worra can do!”
She left the old lady rocking in her chair looking for all the world like Norman Bates’ mother!
[SIZE=“3”]Eh![/SIZE]
© Mollie M
08.03.04
Enjoyed that Mollie, thanks for putting it on. Have a picture in my head of Crusty swinging from tree to tree :-D:-D A lot of people here say Eh at the end of sentences 
Really? 
Thanks for reading again lass. 
[B][CENTER]143
Sooty & Sweep
(and Bel Learns Crusty’s Pet Name!)[/CENTER][/B]
The following afternoon, Friday, Bel called at Crusty’s Crummy Cave on the off chance that he would be in. With the revelation of Mambo still being alive and now having met the lady in person, she wanted to talk to him about their meeting to see what his reaction would be. She knocked but got no reply, so she opened the door with her key and went straight into his kitchen.
“Wor’a bluddy mess! It doesn’t look as if he’s washed any dishes up for a few days and wot the bluddy hell is that racket he’s gor’on’t record player?”
Suddenly she heard him muttering loudly to himself, so she went into the living room where she found him on his knees in front of the fireplace covered from head to toe in soot. He hadn’t heard her come in because of his record player being turned up full belt, and when she yelled, his shoulders leapt up six inches.
[SIZE=“3”]“Wot the bluddy hell have ya bin doin’ owd lad? Yer as black as up’t chimney. Weer’s’t been to get like that?”[/SIZE]
He stood up and faced her grinning and rubbed himself down as best he could.
[B][I][SIZE=“3”]“Up’t chimbley Bel! It looked a lickle bit mucky so I thowt I’d givvit a bit of a clean and now look at worrave gone and done! It’s all o’er’t place, burra did it ‘cos I didn’t want ya pasting me for havin’ a mucky CHIMBLEY!”
“Ya daft sod! Yer supposed’t ger’a chimney sweep for that kind o’ job! Just look at the bluddy mess ya’ve made!”
“Eh? Oh! I didn’t know that Bel! SORRY.”
“I can see ya’ve bin skryking again!”
“How can ya tell THAT?”[/SIZE][/I][/B]
[SIZE=“3”]"‘Cos there’s two streak marks running down yer chimpy owd chops, that’s why! Tha’ favvers bluddy Al Jolson again ya daft looking bugger!"[/SIZE]
He pointed to the floor in front of the grate.
[B][I][SIZE=“3”]“I wish ya’d stop calling me names! I think me tiger rug’s had it Bel!”
“Aye lad! I think yer right. It looks more like a bluddy owd black panther now, the poor owd bugger! Ger’it clod out lad.”
“Will I go and shove it in’t bin? I don’t suppose there’s any way of givin’ it a bit of a clean is there Bel? I used’t like purrin’ me lickle feet on his yed!”[/SIZE][/I][/B]
The tiger cringed.
[SIZE=“3”]“No lad. There’s no chance o’ cleaning it!”[/SIZE]
Phew!
[B][I][SIZE=“3”]“Crusty! Wot the bluddy hell is that racket ya’ve got playing on yer record player? I’ve never heard so much bluddy crap in all me life!”
"It’s me HILDA BAKER and ARTHUR MULLARD LP Bel! D’ya not like it?
“They seynd bluddy weel so ger’it switched off NOW!”
“EH? AM SORRY BEL!”[/SIZE][/I][/B]
He went over to the record player and returning the LP to its sleeve, switched off the machine and silence ruled - for the moment.
“That’s better! We can talk proper now instead of us bellowing at each other! D’ya know summat Crusty? I came to have a nice quiet little chat with ya, bur’it looks as if I’m goin’t be up to me eyeballs again, cleaning all yer grot up!”
“Ta Bel! Oops”
Graaaawp, brrrrrip, shmumph!
“CRUSTY! Shmumph? That’s another new 'un in’t it?”
“Sorry owd lass. I’ve bin doin’ thar’all day! It must be summat I’ve etten! I’ve bin aytein’ bananas, silverskins, an’ave had some beans on toast this morning, plus fish and peys from’t chippy!”
“Well it stinks like bluddy rotten eggs! I hope ya’ve not followed through wi’ that! Is there owt sloppy in yer knickers?”
“I don’t think so Bel, but there might’ve bin a bit o’ seepage!”
“Ya dirty bugger! Ya just did two hard farts an’ a soft 'un! Soft ‘uns allers stink worst! Listen lad. It’s bad enough tharram goin’t get filthy wi’ cleaning this soot up, burra don’t think I can survive it if ya stink th’ouse out as well.”
He grinned his famous chimpy grin.
“Well am proper sorry Bel, but wor’amma supposed’t do? Ya cawn’t fart in jars and store 'em on a shelf for use later on!”
She aimed a swipe at him and caught him on the end of his chin.
“Was that you’re feeble attempt at humour? Well just try and keep 'em to’t minimum then, and if ya feels one brewing up nip outside to do it!”
He got up off the floor rubbing his chin.
“Reet owd lass. I can manage thar’as long as they don’t creep up on me!”
Graaaaawp!
“Sorry Bel! That one crept up on me!”
“Phew! Now then! When ya’ve thrown yer tiger rug away in’t bin fetch yer Crustbuster and we’ll see how much of this soot we can vacuum up, and fetch yer aerosol out o’t bathroom as well and we’ll give this room a spray!”
“Okay Bel!”
He got down on his bony little knees and, leaning over, folded the poor old tiger rug up in such a way so that its nose was up its own arse making its eyes water but giving it some peace at long last.
Schmuuumph-squeak!
“Am not very good wi’ annink mules, nor’even dead 'uns, amma Bel? First of all it were poor owd Mister Blobbles and now th’owd tiger, not to mention Hector!”
“Who the bluddy hell’s Hector?”
“He were me toytoise when I were a kid! I’d taken him outside to play wi’ him then forgot all about him and left him outside all winter! When I remembered about him in spring there were nowt left bur’a shell! I were only a lickle boy so I didn’t know!”
Wor’a bluddy shame (for the tortoise).
“Will we have a funeral for’t tiger Bel?”
“Thee and thi’ bluddy funerals! Ger’it in’t bin ya daft sod!”
“Okay!”
The old tiger wrinkled his nose from the Crusty smell for the last time, said a prayer of thanks then happily let Crusty escort him to the dustbin.
Bel sat down with a thump in an unblemished armchair and looked round. She was fed up already, and the living room stank rotten. It was the Crusty and the tiger rug that had copped the most of it, but there was a bit more soot dotted about.
Crusty came trundling back in with the aerosol and Crustbuster, which he plonked in the middle of the room. Bel snatched the air freshener off him and emptied a third of it into the air and it gave off a lovely smell of gardenias, but there was still the aroma of Crusty farts underneath.
“Reet! You go and ger’a shower to ger’all that soot off!”
“Burra cawn’t Bel!”
“Explain! Wot’s yer excuse this time?”
“Er … let me think. I know! Me shower’s not working proper today!”
“Well have a sluice down at yer wash basin then. Ya can’t keep trollin’ about th’ouse like that otherwise everything else’ll get filthy! I’ll have a look at yer shower when I get time!”
“Reet y’are owd lass. Will do!”
Reluctantly, he had a good wash at his kitchen sink and came back looking reasonably clean.
Bel pointed at the Crustbuster.
“Well ger’it plugged in lad. It won’t work bowt lecky!”
Paaaarp!
“I’m not plugging it in Bel! D’ya not remember wor’appened last time I did that!”
“Do you mean to tell me that ya’ve never done any vacuuming since ya gor’electrocuted years ago?”
“No Bel. If ya recalls, me house got flooded out when we came back from America and this new carpet’s not really needed a vacuum since then!”
[B][I]Smack!
“Ouch!”
Blobble![/I][/B]
“Ya nasty owd sod! Yer flood were nearly three years ago! Of course it needed a vacuum. Ger’it plugged in this instance. I’ll switch it on if yer frikkened of it and will you PLEASE stop bluddy farting?”
“Am trying me best bur’it just keeps flirtin’ out!”
He kneeled down on the floor again with his backside sticking up.
Brrriple, sluuurge, gramalamalama, shmumph!
“Crusty if you don’t behave yerself I’ll shove that plug up yer arse!”
“Sorry Bel!”
He put the plug in and switched the socket on. Then he hunched over with his fingers in his ears while Bel switched the machine on. It came to life at a touch and she started vacuuming, grinning at Crusty who was still hunched over cringing with fear.
“Si’ thi’ Crusty! It’s okay now since I mended it for ya. CRUSTY! Tek yer fingers out of yer hairy owd ears. Can ya hear me?”
He heard her and looked round.
“Ooh ta Bel. Can I have a do?”
“Course ya can lad, but hang on a minute.”
She did just a little bit more then switched it off while she moved the coffee table.
“Reet lad! You do under where’t coffee table’s bin and I’ll get some more furniture shifted out o’t way!”
With every confidence in the world Crusty took hold of the handle and pressed the on button.
[SIZE=“3”]BANG, SMOKE, CRACKLE, SIZZLE![/SIZE]
PAAAAAAAAAAARIP, PLOPPLE, seep!
“Bel, Bel, help me Bel!”
He started Jitterbugging with the Crustbuster just like before.
Parpetty-parpetty-parp!
“Wot the bluddy hell!”
Immediately, she charged like a raging bull over to the consumer unit in his little hallway and threw the main switch to the off position, then rushed back to Crusty to see if he was okay.
“Crusty?”
Once the power had been cut his knees had buckled and he’d slumped onto the floor with his hair standing on end like Beryl the Peril again, and his tongue was lolling over his left shoulder, his eyeballs were a-spin and he was dropping dirties left right and centre.
Bripple, graaawp, paaarp, sluuuudge, slurry!
“Crusty! Phew! Are ya alreet owd lad?”
“Yis Bel, ta very muchly. Will ya put the keckle on and make me a cup o’ hot strong sweet tea for’t shock? Me brains are jangling away in me yed.”
“Tha’s getten no brains, remember?”
“Oh aye! Bel, Bel, I’m not doing ANYMORE vacuuming, EVER AGAIN! It dun’t like me thar’owd Crustbuster!”
She went and picked him up off the floor.
“Come on ya gawpin’ owd sod. Or should I say grawpin’ owd sod? I’ll tek ya into’t kitchen and I’ll put that kettle on to boil for a nice brew.”
She took his arm and helped him into the kitchen where she sat him down on a chair.
“Yer very kindlyful Bel. I don’t know worra would’ve done if ya hadn’t been here to save me again!”
“Well I only called on speck to have a chat. It’s a good job I did, in’t it lad? I wouldn’t care, burra know I re-wired that Crustbuster properly an’ it were okay when I used it just then!”
“I towd ya! Me and’t lecky don’t ger’on so good 'gether!”
“Ya’ll still have’t clean yer carpet though owd lad. I’ll tell ya worrall do. The next time I’m in town I’ll buy ya a Ewbank! Hang on! Let’s get that back door open to let the stink out. There! That’s better.”
“Me mam used’t have one o’ them in’t th’owden days when we lived at Gees Court 'cos her couldn’t afford a proper vacuum cleaner! Ya don’t have’t plug them into’t lecky do ya Bel?”
“That’s right lad. I’ll get ya one soon!”
He felt much better after he’d drank his tea, and Bel took him back into the living room and sat him down on his settee so that he could watch what she was doing. He went white when she took hold of his Crustbuster again, but it kicked into life without harming a single hair on her head.
It didn’t bloody well dare!
“Si’ thi’! It’s no bluddy wonder ya gor’electrocuted. Tha’s only getten th’owd stinkin’ socks on thi’ feet and they’re weet through wi’ sweat. Ya weren’t insulated! I thowt I could smell summat else rottin’, bur’it were covered up wi’t farty smells!”
She finished the vacuuming and surprisingly there wasn’t a lot of mess when she’d done. She’d even taken the suction hose part way up the chimney to keep Crusty quiet.
“Ya know lad ya should’ve kept yer gas fire then ya wouldn’t’ve had this trouble.”
“I know Bel, but there’s nowt like a proper coal fire on a cowd winter’s day! I allers like sitting next to yours in yer favourite living room when I comes a-visiting!!”
“When ya comes a-moidering ya mean! Now just be careful in future owd lad. I don’t want to have to come here one day and find that ya’ve burnt the bluddy house to’t ground!”
“Neh theer’s a thowt tharra hadn’t thowt of! In any case, me gas fire got ruined in me flood if ya remembers! I’ll be most carefulful then Bel!”
She switched off the Crustbuster.
“There, done!”
“Thanks for cleaning me fireplace up an’ all Bel. It were in a bit of a mess weren’t it?”
“Yer at it again wi’ yer understatements. It was more than a bit of a mess. Don’t let me find out that ya’ve been black leading them tiles again and don’t go rooting up’t bluddy chimney any more. Ya never knows wot ya might find up theer!”
“Such as wot Bel?”
“Well there could be a few owd dead birds or pr’aps a skeleton of an owd Santa Claus up theer who got stuck about forty year ago!”
Brrrippple!
“A skellington? D’ya think so Bel? Pr’aps I should ger’a long proddin’ stick and see if I can loosen it! It might still have a proper Santa outfit on tharra could have!”
[B][I]Slap!
“Ouch!”
Blobble![/I][/B]
“Yer nor’half flirtin’ 'em out today owd lad!”
“I know! It’s horrible in’t it Bel?”
“Horrible. I could think o’ summat more appropriate, burra cawn’t be bothered!”
“Ickle soon be Crisp Mus again Bel won’t it? It comes round proper fast these days!”
“Yer reet theer owd fettler. It does indeed! Hang on owd lad. I’ll have’t go to’t toilet.”
“Don’t Bel!”
“Why? Wor’ave ya done this time?”
He hid his head under a cushion to protect it from the blows.
“Nowt!”
She marched out of the kitchen and up the stairs. She looked round the bathroom, but couldn’t see anything out of the ordinary at first so she used the loo, which was marginally clean, and then turned on the tap at the basin to wash her hands.
That’s when she saw it.
The shower curtain had been pulled almost right across, but the breeze wafted it a little revealing the inside of Crusty’s bath.
[SIZE=“3”]“Ger’up these bluddy stairs RIGHT NOW YA FESTERIN’ OWD FART!”[/SIZE]
“On me way Bel! I’d a feeling ya’d say that!”
He lolloped up the stairs, still with the cushion on his head. She was waiting for him at the top, but because he was watching his feet on the way up he didn’t see her until his eyes came into contact with her boots, one of which was tapping the floor angrily and she held a galvanised bucket in her hand. Without even looking up at her he knew what expression she had on her face.
“It’s only there temporary Bel. I’d no’weer else’t pur’it! Didda do bad?”
“Here! Ger’it all out and when ya’ve fillt this bucket ya can tek it downstairs and tip it into yer little hut that ya don’t use in’t back garden and empty it!”
“But Bel! Ickle tek me forever’t do that!”
“But nowt! Then, when ya’ve done that, ya can come back again, fill the bucket again and keep doing that until this bath’s empty!”
“It’s a good idea though Bel. If I’d thought o’ thar’in’t first place I wouldn’t’ve gor’in bother with ya would I?”
The glare on her face would have stopped a runaway train.
“There’s only bluddy thee thar’d fill their soddin’ bath wi’ three sacks o’ chep coal! Ger’it done - NOW!”
[CENTER]-oo0oo-[/CENTER]
Bel made sure he carried out her instructions to the letter and when he’d completed his task she made him wash his hands. She decided to stay for the evening so she sent Crusty to the chip shop for their teas while she made another brew.
Unfortunately, he got himself a double helping of mushy peas which didn’t help his ongoing problem and they ate in silence while Crusty thought about what he’d done wrong and what kind of punishment Bel had in line for him.
Well! There was relative silence until the peas started working on him.
Bel was still trying to work out why he was as daft as he was and if there was anything that could improve his brain cell, but like the brain cell, she drew a blank.
He finished his last mouthful with a loud gulp.
“Mmmm! That were bluddy good that Bel! I loves a chippy dinner! It’s me second one today!”
“Ya fat owd fart!”
Graaaawp!
“Phew, tha’ stinks again!”
“Am proper sorry about me Crustbuster and the coal in’t bath Bel! It took me nearly three hours to ger’it all out an’ outside, bur’it does look a bit better now!”
Sulk!
“Worra ya sulking for now?”
“Well ya could’ve gid me a bigger bucket to use instead of me seaside bucket and spade. It’d’ve bin quicker.”
“Never mind owd fettler, it kept ya quiet. Yer heart’s in’t reet place, but ya do get yerself into some terrible mischief, don’t ya?”
“I do that Bel. Is there anybody else as daft and as smelly as me?”
“I doubt it. I’ve told ya before that yer unique! When did ya last pur’a clean pair o’ knickers on owd lad? Good Old Stinky’s at full bluddy wallop again!”
“Aw Bel! Yer allers asking me hard questions! I never passed any ECGSs so stop purrin me on’t spot!”
“Wot does ECGSs stand for owd lad, to your way of thinking I mean?”
“Why Bel! ECGSs! That means Edumacational Certificates for Gerrin Sums, dun’t it?”
“No! I presume ya scrubbed yer bath wi’ vim after ya gor’all’t coal out!”
“Er … I’ll not be a minute Bel. I’ve just had a thowt about summat I forgot!”
He scurried out and up the stairs. Bel could hear the taps running then ten minutes later he came scurrying back down again.
“There we go Bel. I’ve gor’it done now. It must’ve slipped me mind!”
“Wot mind?”
He decided to change the subject before she thought of a suitable punishment.
“Ya know Bel, I were trying’t read a newspaper this morning after I’d read me Beano. The paper lad had pur’it through me door by mistake an’a read summat tharra think might be interesting, burra didn’t really understand it!”
“Wot was it?”
“Well! Will ya answer me a question first please?”
“Course I will owd lad. Worisit?”
“Are you a hairy shoulder Bel?”
“Am I a wot?”
“A hairy shoulder! Ya know like … I cawn’t explain it … Somebody as owns bits o’ somebody else’s stuff!”
She was completely mystified, so she applied Crusty speak again.
“Hang on lad! Let me have a think about wot yer trying’t say!”
She muttered “hairy shoulder”, “hairy shoulder”, to herself several times and then the penny dropped.
She shoved him hard on his back and he dropped off his chair, his eyes widening in fear.
“Ya means a bluddy shareholder ya daft looking bugger! Nor’a sodding hairy shoulder!”
“Oh aye, that’s it!”
He got up off the floor and sat back down again.
“Bluddy hairy shoulder indeed! There’s only thee round here wi’ hairy bluddy shooders! Now worra ya on about!”
“I just wondered wot they did Bel!”
“Well if I were you I’d just keep wondering as it’s nowt to do wi’t likes o’ thee!”
“Okay then, but can ya nor’explain it to me?”
“Si’ thi’ lad! It’d tek rest o’ me bluddy lifetime trying’t explain it to ya so as ya’d understand so shurrup about shareholders.”
“Burra want to know!”
“I don’t know why ya keep moiderin’ about things ya know nowt about! Yer only a bluddy owd hairy arsed pigmy when all’s said and done!”
“I know, burram just trying’t edumacate meself Bel!”
“Well make a start by speaking properly then!”
“I thowt I did! Ya don’t want me’t go for elomocution lessons do ya Bel only I don’t think I’d be much good at that?”
“Yer reet theer owd fettler! I had elomo … elocution lessons when I were younger, but ya wouldn’t know sometimes. I have’t talk broad wi’ you around!”
“But wot do they do Bel, them shareholders I mean?”
“Let’s pur’it this way owd lad. Ya have to spend a lorra money to be a shareholder in summat and ya know yer as tight as bluddy cramp where money’s concerned!”
“Oh reet, ta Bel! Well I know …!”
“I don’t care a fiddler’s fart!! Yer allers saying ‘I know’. You don’t know Jack Sh!t!”
“Fiddler’s fart? Jack Sh!t Bel? Cawn’t say as I’ve ever met him Bel so yer reet theer. Is thar’is proper born name? Does he work for ya? If I’d a name like Jack Sh!t I’d change it to summat else!”
“Such as?”
“Such as wot the lads used’t call me when we were in’t group. It were a better name than Jack Sh!t. We all had extra names Bel!”
“Well I know there’s Alfred the Geek, Billy the Bonker and Frankie the Fingers so wot did they call you?”
“Am not telling ya Bel!”
“Tell me this instance!”
He shifted uncomfortably in his chair and whispered quietly, wishing he’d kept his trap shut.
“Crusty the Crapper!”
“Speyk up! I cawn’t hear ya!”
“Crusty the Crapper!”
“I still cawn’t hear ya!”
[SIZE=“3”]“They called me Crusty the Crapper, Bel! Can ya hear me now?” [/SIZE]
She sat back in her chair smirking her head off.
“Well there’s no surprise there then!”
“Anyway Bel. When ya came earlier ya said that ya’d come for a lickle chat wi’ me. Wot was it ya wanted to talk to me about?”
“It’ll keep for another day owd lad. It’ll keep!”
“No! Tell me. I want to know wor’it were!”
“I’ll tell ya tomorrer, now shurrup!”
“Reet Bel!”
© Mollie M
17.03.04
[B][CENTER]144
Crusty Shows His Bel His Balls
(and Has Her Climbing Up The Walls!)[/CENTER][/B]
Bel left Crusty in his living room at 9.30 that evening and drove home for some peace and quiet. While she was relaxing with a cup of tea at her side, her little sausage dog was stretched out on her ample thighs while Bel gave him a belly rub.
There were very few people who had seen such a gentle side to Bel, but it did exist. She didn’t suffer fools easily, but she had a little more tolerance with dumb animals like Palethorpe and Crusty! She’d named her little sausage dog Palethorpe after Palethorpe’s pork sausages from the sixties, and it seemed to suit him perfectly.
“You know something Palethorpe? I don’t know of anybody that gets into the situations Crusty’s always finding himself in! The things he’s got up to over the years I’ve known him, I could write a bloody book. In fact, that’s not a bad idea at that!”
“Woof!”
The dog looked up at her fondly with his big soft brown eyes and his tongue dangled out.
A familiar sight!
“You’re not a lot different you know lad, you and your Uncle Crusty …!”
“Eh? Ya wo’? Hmmph! Grrrr!”
“… except to say that you’re not as daft as him and your feet and arse end don’t stink as much!”
“Oh! That’s okay then! Uncle Crusty! Where? Woof!”
"He’s not here lad. You know, I’d take him to Blackpool to stay over for Christmas but he’d only get into more bloody trouble. I don’t know! I’ll have to have a good think about it. I’ve taken him to hotels and motels. We’ve been in an old covered wagon and a caravan but he still gets into bother. I’ll have to think about pitching a tent in a field in the middle of bloody nowhere. Mind you, knowing him, he’d get chased by a bloody bull! That’s the only way I’ll get a peaceful break with him, or I could hire a rocket and have a week on Mars!”
“Woof, woof! Can I come please?”
“Good boy! Yes, of course. You could come too couldn’t you! I get more sense out of you Palethorpe than I do out of Crusty! In fact, I can have a more intelligent conversation with you!”
“Woof, woof, yip! I’ve got more brains!”
“You’re right there lad. You have got more brains than Crusty! Well lad! It’ll soon be Christmas again and I’ve got a lot of work to do between now and then so I think we’d best get to bed! It’s turned twelve and I’m really tired tonight. Ha! I wonder why!”
She picked the little dog up gently and kissed him on the top of his head, and in return he slobbered all over her face with his long wet tongue.
“Night, night Palethorpe. Good boy! See you in the morning!”
“Woof, yip!”
She had a quick shower and cleaned her false teeth then got into her king size specially reinforced bed and drew the duvet up to her neck, closed her eyes and within a few moments she was snoring gently.
After three hours had elapsed she was in a deep sleep and was having a disjointed dream in monochrome about Crusty. He was running around on all fours in a pig- pen, snorting along with several black and white pigs. There were some black and white marmosets scampering around on the pen gate and a skunk strutted around with its tail up. Crusty reared up on his back legs and put his head over the swill bin and started sucking the pig food out with long slurps, snorts and piggy squeals and the “other pigs” were trying to tup him away. Then her dream changed to something far more pleasant in colour and a smile crossed her face in sleep.
[B][I]Drrrrring, drrrrring!
Drrrrring, drrrrring![/I][/B]
The shrillness of the telephone on her landing shocked her into wakefulness and for just a moment she didn’t know where she was, or what day it was.
“Who’s that, what’s up, where am I? What day is it? Oh, it’s Saturday!”
She looked at her bedside clock and saw that it read twenty past three.
“What the bloody hell! I hope this isn’t bad news!”
After three attempts she managed to roll out of bed and fearfully went to answer the phone. Nobody’s phone rings at that hour unless somebody had been in an accident or had died. Or, one of her warehouses had been robbed again! She smacked her gums for a second and put her teeth in so that she could speak properly then picked up the phone.
“Hello! Crustabel Leekey speaking.”
[SIZE=“3”]“Good morrow oh beauteous Bel! 'Tis the Crusty a-caaaalling ya from his lickle telephone in his lickle hallway! Seasoning’s Greetings!”[/SIZE]
“Seasoning’s Gree … I’ll bluddy-well season thee in a minute! I’ll shove some black pepper up yer arse and pour salt down yer gullet if ya don’t ger’off this line RIGHT NOW! Worra ya doing up at this time of a morning? Hast sh!tten in bed?”
[SIZE=“3”]SLAM!![/SIZE]
“That’s it! I’ll bloody kill him tomorrow!”
She unplugged the phone from the wall and got back to sleep for what was the rest of the night.
She was so busy at work, what with Christmas just around the corner, that she never gave him another thought until that following weekend when it dawned on her that since she’d slammed the phone down on him he hadn’t rung once.
“Come to think of it, nobody’s rung me since then. I wonder if I’ve broken the phone again!”
She went into her hall and lifted the handset. Nothing! Then the penny dropped. She’d unplugged it from the wall on the landing when Crusty had rung her in the early hours of Saturday morning and, because she’d been so angry, she’d gone round the house and unplugged the other three as well just to be on the safe side and had only used her mobile since.
She tutted and bent down to plug it back in again and it whirred into life clicking and bleeping, then she went to the other rooms where there were phones and reinstated her system. Downstairs she checked her answering machine which, on the night in question, she’d forgotten to set to ON and only remembered about the evening after.
She listened to her messages. There were several unimportant ones left by people trying to sell insurance and the like, one from Cassandra about a forthcoming event at The Cat and the Canary, but the first one was from Crusty.
She listened to yet another pathetic message.
“Hiya Bel. It’s your Crusty a-caaaalling! Am sorry I phoned ya t’other neet. I didn’t realise it were so early in a morning. Wor’ad 'appened was tharrad farted in bed an’a knew I were goin’t follow through so I went to’t lavvy for a quick crap and that’s wot woke me up. Ya sounded proper tired owd lass …”
“Hmmph! I wonder why?”
… an’a know I must’ve woke y’up. Am proper sorry. When I gets a thowt in me yed I’ve got to get rid of it quick 'cos ya towd me tharra shouldn’t waste me brain cell, so I wanted’t let ya know before I forgot, burrave forgotten wor’it was now tharra wanted ya for in’t first place! Any road up, I’ve had another thowt since so am ringing’t ask ya if ya’ll …"
Beeeeeeeeep!
That was the end of the message time.
She tutted.
Just as she was in mid-tut the phone rang, making her jump. She looked at the number on the display panel and rolled up her eyes.
It was him!
She let it ring once more then picked up.
"Hello! This is Crustabel Leekey speaking from my rather large hall in my enormous house and she’s still BLUDDY ANGRY WI’ YA!"
Cringe!
“Hiya! Did ya get me message tharra left special for ya Bel?”
“I only got part of it ‘cos ya were babbling on about havin’ a fart and goin’ to’t lavvy for a crap and all sorts of other bluddy rubbish! So! Wot were it ya wanted’t ask me this time?”
“Well I were wondering if ya’d come over sometime soon and help me hang me balls up!”
She started tittering silently, eyes watering up then she straightened her face again.
“With the very greatest of pleasure, ya smelly owd pigmy! Wot colour are they?”
“I’ve getten some lovely balls Bel. I just know yer goin’t love 'em when I show 'em ya! I’ve getten pretty red and purple ‘uns! See ya later then?”
“Alright owd lad. I’ll come over this afternoon.”
“Great! I knew ya’d say that and yer in a good mood really, aren’t ya Bel?”
“Yes lad. Ya’ve caught me at a good moment!”
“See! I must be … wot’s it’s name … pathetic then, mustn’t I?”
“Yis lad, summat like that! We’ve had this conversation before, or summat like it!”
“Ta Bel!”
That afternoon Bel rapped smartly on Crusty’s front door which he opened immediately.
“Hiya Bel. Come in. I’ve getten me balls ready for ya!”
She closed her eyes tight for a second stifling a giggle then entered.
“Wot’s that bluddy rubbish ya’ve gor’on yer record player this time? It’s bluddy painful thar’is!”
“You never like any o’ my records! It’s me Des O’Connor Christmas Album Bel, burrall tek it off if yer not so struck!”
He switched the machine off and tuned in the Macaroni instead which was playing music more acceptable to Bel’s sensitive ears.
“Go and put yer kettle on and make me a brew before we start lad.”
Crusty cooked a brew for them and when they’d finished Bel produced a hammer and some nails from a carrier bag. Crusty was so disappointed as he’d thought there was food in there but she’d come without today.
“Worra ya doin’ with an 'ommer and some nails Bel?”
“I’ve come prepared to help ya hang yer balls up owd lad. Where d’ya want me’t nail ya this time? Go and tek Good Owd Stinky off so as I can ger’at 'em!”
His face changed as he remembered her nailing him to his kitchen door through dear old beigey several years before, and his eyes bobbed out in abject horror.
“I didn’t mean them balls Bel. I meant me Crisp Mus balls, not me crusticles!”
“Balls is balls to me. It dun’t matter wot month it is!”
“No Bel! I didn’t mean me crusticles. I meant me Crisp Mus tree decorations!”
“How many times have I told you to be more specific when yer asking for summat?”
“About twenty zillion times Bel burra thowt ya’d know worra meant! I say Bel! I’ve not gor’a fairy.”
“Thy’re a bluddy fairy!”
He suddenly started tittering.
“I’ve just had a thowt.”
“Heaven preserve us!”
“You’re a Fairy fairy aren’t ya?”
“Shuttit! Anyway, I never know wot you mean as ya talk a load o’ bluddy rubbish most o’t time. Reet then! Let’s ger’on wi’ it! Where’s yer tree?”
“Tree? Wot tree Bel?”
“Yer Christmas tree! Where’s yer Christmas tree that ya want decorating?”
“That’s a good poink Bel. Where d’ya ger’em from?”
“Do you mean to tell me I’ve driven all this way in’t snow and ice to help ya decorate a bluddy tree ya’ve nor’even got?”
“That’s about the size of it Bel. I don’t really want a tree though as they cost too much and they make a mess, so is there anywhere else we can dangle me balls?”
Oh dear!
She made a move as if to turn away from him, then swung back with a mighty fist striking a glancing blow to his chin, dropping him to the floor. While he was crumpled up in a daze she went to a drawer which she knew contained a piece of old rope, some string and some gaffe tape.
She stuck a piece of the tape over his mouth and with the rope she tied him to a kitchen chair where he sat, one eye bulging and the other tight shut, while she threaded the Christmas decorations onto the string. Carefully she draped them around him and looped one over each of his ears to look like earrings, Vera Duckworth fashion. Then she placed two odd-shaped red balls at the front between his legs neatly side by side.
“Reet! I’ll be back in twenty minutes so don’t move!”
He couldn’t move.
She put her coat on and went out to her car, then nipped into the village to buy something else to complete the picture. When she got back he was lying on his side on the floor where he’d tried to escape by rocking along, so she lifted the chair back up into position, without saying anything to him. He watched her as she opened the packages. She took out a nice set of Christmas lights which she also draped round his head, neck, shoulders, and down his front then lit them with the integral battery, lighting him up prettily.
She took a Santa hat out of a carrier bag and, with a black marker pen, she wrote something on the white fur trim, then pulled it down over Crusty’s head. Finally, she placed a big card around his neck with something else written on and lastly, she dragged the chair with him still tied to it out into the street and deposited him on the pavement much to the amusement of his neighbours.
Miss Persimmon came out to find out what was happening and started tittering into her hanky when she read what Bel had written on Crusty’s hat. Passers-by also stopped and soon he had a little circle around him, all laughing their heads off. Tears were freely flowing down Crusty’s little cheeks now, almost turning to ice as it was so cold. This was the kind of attention he really didn’t want. A couple of kids came up to him and started prodding at him and they were chattering excitedly to each other.
On the hat she’d written “OWD SCROOGE” and the placard around his neck read:
[CENTER]HE WANTED SOMEWHERE TO HANG HIS BALLS
AND HE IS NONE THE WISER
HE WOULDN’T FORK OUT FOR A CRISP MUS TREE
THE TIGHT OWD TURDY MISER[/CENTER]
The kids started tittering after they’d read the poster and nudged each other giggling.
“Is it reet that mister? Are ya a tight owd turdy miser?”
“Mmmmmph!”
One of the kids removed the tape from his mouth.
“Wot were ya trying’t say owd fettler?”
“Bugger off ya lickle sod or I’ll gi’ thi’ a pelt!”
The other child, who was the bigger of the two, squared up to Crusty and stuck his face into Crusty’s menacingly.
“Go on then, y’owd turd. Let’s see ya!”
With that, Bel stepped in and unceremoniously dragged Crusty back into his house, laughter still ringing in his ears.
“Worrava bin punished for this time Bel? I’ve done nowt wrong. Let me loose out o’ this rope will ya please?”
She took her Swiss Army knife out of her pocket and cut him free, winding the Christmas tree lights up again. It took him a while, but he finally managed to extricate himself from the tree decorations as well, then the hat and placard, both of which he read.
“Aw Bel. Ya’ve gone and shown me up good and proper in front of me neighbours. I’ll never be able’t live this down!”
“That’s a sample of wor’it feels like to be shown up in public. I’m off wom!”
Sulk!
“Sorry Bel!”
“Crusty! Ya know that film The Incredible Hulk?”
“Yis Bel. Wor’about it?”
“Well you’re The Incredible Sulk! Yer allers bluddy sulking wi’ yer bottom lip hanging down on yer boots!”
“I know, burra were already catching a cold and you dragged me outside in’t snow wi’ no OBJ on, no owd black jacket and no boots! I were blue wi’ cowd out there Bel and me nose has started running now. Will ya tek me to’t shops for some stuff?”
"Yeh, I suppose so. I’ll tek ya to’t shops, but you can ask for wor’ever it is ya wants and YOU’LL BLUDDY WELL PAY FOR IT AS WEEL!"
Using the tongs from his fireside companion set she took him his OBJ and owd black jacket, then kicked his boots over to him, and once again she drove into the village and Crusty made the Chemist his first stop. Word went round quickly and by the time Crusty entered, the shop was empty.
“Worra ya gerrin in here then?”
“Some stuff for me cowd!”
They went up to the counter and a young lady sales assistant came up to him smiling. She was new in the area!
“Yes sir? What can I get for you?”
Crusty scanned the shelves and sniffled.
“I need summat for a cowd lass. I know woritis worra want! I’ve seen it on’t telly! I needs a bockle o’ Neet Nuss an’ a packet o’ Lem P!ss!”
Bel’s face reddened with embarrassment and the young girl glared at him with a look that would shatter glass.
“I beg your pardon sir. What is it you want?”
“A bockle o’ Neet Nuss an’ a packet o’ Lem P!ss!”
Bel stepped in then, shoving Crusty to one side.
“I’m sorry luv. He’s nor’all there! Ya know worra mean? Wor’e wants is a bottle of Night Nurse and a packet of Lem Sip! He always gets words the wrong way round so ya’ll have’t excuse him. He’s nor’a full shillin’ ya see?”
“Oh! Right you are. I’ll get the things for you.”
She bustled off and got the things he’d asked for then put them into paper bags.
“There you go sir. That’s seven pounds ninety eight please!”
“How much? Bel, Bel, help me Bel! They’re trying’t rob a poor owd mon!”
“Get yer hand in yer pocket ya tight owd tur … sod!”
“Burrave not got that kind o’ money on me. I never carry a lot o’ money round wi’ me in case I gets tackled to’t ground for me brass!”
“I’ll tackle ya to’t bluddy ground if ya don’t pay the young lady!”
Shudder!
“Okay! I think I can manage’t scrape enough up!”
He laboriously counted his coppers out in front of him and he was two pence short.
“Bel?”
“Wot?”
“Can ya borrer me tuppence Bel, only am a bit short o’ cash?”
“Wot ya means is, can ya lend me tuppence Bel, not borrow?”
“How canna borrow ya tuppence Bel when I’ve just asked if I can have a lend off ya?”
She rolled up her eyes and tutted. It wasn’t worth giving him a quick lesson in English grammar right now.
“Aye I suppose so. Yer a bit short o’ bluddy brain as well, but we’ve already covered that, haven’t we?”
“Can ya borrer me a pound as well 'cos I have’t ger’a Ducky Lip for’t Lottery!”
“LUCKY DIP y’owd crate egg!”
“Oh aye! D’ya suppose we can ger’a takeaway and tek it back to my house for our tea Bel? I fancy some stuff from that KFC place again! Oh! Ya was goin’ home wasn’t ya?”
She glared at him for ages.
“Wot the hell d’ya want that for? It were okay the first time we went, but the last time we had summat from there we didn’t enjoy it, d’ya not remember? D’ya not remember me saying that KFC was short for Kawn’t Find’t Chicken?”
“Oh aye, that’s reet. Well then! Wor’about a chippy dinner again then?”
“No chance! I’m not sitting in’t same STREET as thee once ya’ve etten a pile o’ mushy peys. Ya’ll only start farting again!”
“I suppose yer reet there Bel.”
She dropped him off at his front door, then thought better of it and cut the engine.
“Worra ya doing Bel? I thowt ya was goin’ wom!”
“I were, burra want to talk to ya about summat!”
“Oh aye, that’s reet. Is it the same thing ya wanted’t say last week but ya ended up cleaning all me soot up?”
“Yis lad, it is!”
“Its nor’another punishment is it Bel?”
“No lad. Don’t start panicking or ya’ll start stinkin’t place out again!”
She plonked him in his chair in the living room and sat opposite him on the settee.
“Reet! Ya remember telling me that Mambo were still alive?”
“Yis Bel an’ her’s about eighty I think now!”
“Well I went to see her last Thursday afternoon after I’d dropped you off an’a had a nice little chat wi’ her!”
Crusty beamed happily.
“Ya never did! So she were in for once then? Good on ya Bel. Mind you, its funny her didn’t drive ya daft ‘cos her’s as deef as a post an’ her’s allers saying eh!”
“Er … yes lad I did notice!”
“Did ya talk about me Bel? Did she say when she wanted to see me again? I really miss her 'cos her’s allers off on jaunts!”
Bel bit her lip again, not knowing how to tell him, or whether she should. She didn’t want to hurt his feelings.
“Well she is a very old lady now Crusty and you do have a habit of wearing people out. I don’t really think she can cope with ya now owd lad!”
Sulk!
“So wot yer saying is Bel that she doesn’t want to see me anymore? Me own mam?”
“Er … no lad … sorry!”
His eyes were trickling with tears again and Bel felt awful, but there was no point in hiding the truth from him and she’d been as gentle as she could.
“I’ll tell ya worrall do Crusty. I’m going seeing her again sometime after Christmas so, if ya’ve gor’a message, I can tell her wor’itis. Ya could buy her a nice little present for me’t tek and ya could send a Christmas card to her as well!”
“Ta Bel, bur’it’s not the same. Still, it’s better than nowt so I’ll do that, ta Bel!”
She could see he was going into a state of depression again so she decided to bite the bullet and made a suggestion.
“Come on owd lad. It’s not the end of the world. Go and put one of yer records on and I’ll sit and listen to it with ya, wor’ever it is. Off ya pop!”
“Really? Are ya sure? Oh thank you so much Bel. I gor’a new owd 'un in’t Charity Shop t’other day an’ave not played it yet so I’ll go and put thar’on!”
He galloped over to his ancient record player and pulled out his new old LP and, placing it reverently on the turntable, he put the needle carefully on the edge.
The old-fashioned music started and Bel’s hair stood up on end.
“Wot the … Who are these singing Crusty? It sounds very old to me this one. One of your oldest I should think!” said she, eyes rolling.
“It’s me Flanders and Swan LP Bel. I used’t love watching these on’t telly a few year back!”
“A few years back? It’s more than a few years owd lad. More like fifty odd years!”
“Yeh, ya could be right owd lass. It’s amazing how time flies! I loves this song though. It’s about an imposter!”
"A bluddy HIPPOPOTAMUS. It’s called Song of the Hippo-bluddy-potamus!"
“Aye that’s reet. Yer reet again as usual!”
Then he made the mistake of singing to it.
[CENTER]Mud, mud, glorious mud
Nothing quite like it for cooling the blud
So follow me follow
Down to the hollow
And there I can wallow
In GLO … RIOUS mud[/CENTER]
Bel poked him in the eye making it water up.
“Ouch! Wot did ya do that for Bel?” he wailed, covering his eye up.
“Er … excuse me owd lad. I said I’d listen to’t record, burra don’t want to have’t listen to thee singing along wi’ it!”
“Oh aye! Sorry Bel!”
She gritted her teeth and sat through both sides of the LP while Crusty sat with a satisfied smile on his face. He was actually enjoying it, although he did sneeze a few times and snuffled into his big box of Man Size Hankies. Finally and at long last, the last song played on the LP and Crusty took the needle off then lovingly replaced the record in its sleeve.
Bel breathed a big sigh of relief.
“Neh! That’s worra calls music! I really enjoyed that!”
“Thy would! Reet lad! I can’t say as I’m sorry it’s finished, but ya don’t look so good so why don’t ya ger’an early night while ya’ve gor’a cold!”
“Yer reet as usual Bel. I think I’ll go up the old apples and pears to bed and take a Lem P!ss an’ a shot o’ that Neet Nuss. Thackle do the trick!”
“Yer not taking ‘em both! Ya can tek one or t’other otherwise ya’ll be thinking’t boggarts are after ya! Give ‘em me here. I’ll go and make yer Lem Sip for ya, an’am takin’ yer Night Nurse home wi’ me so ya can’t sneak a capful during’t neet!”
“Burra paid a lorra money for that!”
“Stop yer whingeing! I’ll fetch it back tomorrer and see how yer doing, but ya can’t take Night Nurse on’t top o’ Lem Sip owd lad. Ya mustn’t mix things like that.”
“Okay then, ta Bel. Wot’s a boggart? Is it owt like a mogwump?”
Ignoring him she made him his hot lemony drink and sat with him until he’d finished it then got up and put her coat on.
“Reet lad, I’ll be off then now. I’ll come and see ya tomorrer and see if we can clear that cold up before Christmas. Now get yerself to bed!”
“Okay! Ta Bel. Neet, neet!”
“Neet, neet owd lad!”
He heard the door shut behind her.
“Wot’s a boggart?”
© Mollie M
24.03.04
Thanks Marian. There’s only you reading these now, so I’ll put Chapter 145 on for you again soon.
Sorry lass, but I need some sort of feed-back on here, otherwise I feel like I’m wasting my time, and effort. It’s like me giving you feed-back on your blips, but if you don’t reply on here, folk will think I’m just posting for the fun of it, even though I know you’ve read my stories.