I think you know if I have something to say, I’ll say it hehe
Indeed, I know this to be true, and I thank you for your honesty. 
[B][CENTER]126
A Great Reunion
(and Bel Gets a New (Secretary)!)[/CENTER][/B]
Crusty hadn’t seen much of Bel since the incident with the Porsche. She’d told him that in the future he was not to do any more painting under any circumstances unless she was there to supervise him.
For his punishment she decided to avoid him by not seeing him or speaking to him on the telephone.
Of course, the cafe customers had had a field day with him making fun whilst he slid about on his mop shoes.
“Hey up Crusty. Ger’us a nice Porsched egg on toast lad!”
Titter, titter.
Faggie, Aggie and Maggie wouldn’t let up either.
“Oi, owd numb nuts! How’s thi’ piles goin’ on? If tha’ goin’ fishin’ mek sure tha’ dussen’t do any Porsching in that river!”
Cackle, cackle.
Poor Crusty was really depressed again. He’d had such a wonderful time with his Bel on their 1950s day and his spirits were lifted high until he decided to paint his bedroom which Bel had to finish and then he did some painting at Bill Johnson’s house, with disastrous results.
Later that day he went home to the loneliness of Crustyville, otherwise known as 13 Bakewell Drive. As soon as he got in he put the kettle on, made some beans on toast then tuned in the Macaroni radio.
He wolfed back his food making his usual terrible grumphing and hanching noises and when he’d finished, he wished he’d had something else instead.
Brrrrrip! Plopple! Paaaaar - rip - erooni!
He felt some stitching give way in the arse end of his trousers.
“Oh heck. Worrava gone and done now?”
He kept trying to turn round to see what he’d done but he was too fat to spin his waist round far enough so he trundled off upstairs and removed his smelly old brown pants.
He held them up in front of him and looked at the damage he’d done.
“Oh no. I keeps saying am goin’t get meself a sewing machine. I’ll have’t get me needle and cotton out now.”
Back downstairs again Crusty sat in his chair trying to thread the needle, one piggy eye screwed up in concentration and his tongue at full dangle, when all of a sudden he felt a rush of cold air coming from his front door.
There she stood. Face like a clogger’s iron!
“Hiya Bel! It’s nice to see you again. I thowt ya’d forgotten all about me!”
“I wish I could forget about ya, ya moidering owd fart!”
“Worrava done now? I’ve not seen ya for ages an’ave bin as good as gold. I’ve not been in any mischief for a change an’ave not been a-moidering!”
“I know. I’ve been keeping an ear out for ya! Worra ya trying’t do there lad? Yer not trying yer hand at sewing are ya?”
“Well am trying Bel. I farted a hole in me pants ten minutes ago an’am trying’t sew 'em up again.”
She pulled her face.
“Alreet. Hand 'em over but ya’ll have’t wait until I’ve got me peg on me nose. If ya’ve farted a hole in 'em it must’ve bin a bad 'un and’t smell’s bound to be still lingering!”
She placed her peg on her nose and took the trousers off him.
“Bluddy hell! I’m goin’t have’t have a shower when I’ve done this. I can feel the bluddy nasty greasy grime from 'em on me fingers!”
She stitched the trousers up neatly then flung them back at him.
“Go and ger’em on! It’s horrible seein’ ya sittin’ there just wearing Good Owd Stinky who, incidentally, stinks rotten again!”
“Ta Bel. I’ll go and change ‘em and put th’owd brown pants and Stinky in’t washing machine. Sniffy and Whiffy could do with a bit of a swill an’ all so I’ll tek them off!”
“Not down here yer not!”
“No Bel. I’ll tek 'em all off upstairs, shove 'em in a carrier bag then bring 'em back down to’t kitchen. Is thar’okay?”
“Good lad. Me bluddy eyes are watering up already so get gone and I’ll put the kettle on! By the way! Wot colour is Good Owd Stinky supposed’t be anyway?”
“Cawn’t remember burra think he started life off as a pretty blue colour.”
She wrinkled her nose again.
“Then why is he baby sh!t yeller now then?”
“Sorry Bel!”
Crusty started the Crustamatic going and after they’d drunk their tea Bel berated him once again.
“Did it never occur to ya Crusty that Mr Johnson wouldn’t want his bluddy car painting?”
“Oh yer not still goin’ on about that are ya Bel? That were months ago. I thowt we’d gor’over that. Mind you, I’ve still nor’ad me punishment for that yet, have I?”
“Not yet, but there’s still time. Right lad, I’m off now burram goin’t supermarket. D’ya want to come wi’ me for some odds and ends?”
Crusty brightened with a huge grin.
“Oh yes please Bel, ta Bel. I do need a few bits and bobs burrave no money as usual. Can ya sub me until a later date?”
She rolled up her eyes.
“I suppose so. Now come on, get th’owd black jacket on and ger’agate!”
“Reet Bel. Am ready now. Which car have ya come in?”
“Th’owd Escort. It needed another run!”
“Reet! So that means ya’ll’ve browt some snap wi’ ya.”
“No I’ve not! No jack bit today!”
Sulk!
“Stop sulking! D’ya want me’t tek ya round to’t cash point while ya draw some money out?”
“I thought ya said ya’d sub me!”
“Yeh I know burra can drop ya round and ya can get some money out instead, otherwise it’ll be’t bluddy last I’ll see of it. Now come on!”
Sulk!
She nipped him round to the cash point where he withdrew the princely sum of ten pounds for the week.
“Ya know Crusty. I’ve never known anybody’t be as bluddy tight as thee!”
“Ta Bel!”
They drove round to Aldi and parked up. Bel came round to the passenger side and unbuckled his seat belt for him, then grabbed his ear and dragged him over to the shop.
“Ta Bel. Ya know summat? I’ve bin thinking again. Its bin a fair while since ya last gid me a bluddy good hiding!”
Bel rolled up her sleeves ready for action.
“Well lad, we can soon remedy that if ya want!”
“Oh no, ta Bel. I’ll not bother today if it’s all’t same to you.”
She took a pound coin from her purse and was about to put it into the slot which allowed access to the trolleys when Crusty started bouncing about with excitement.
“Bel, Bel can I do that Bel please Bel. I want to get the trolley!”
“Oh here then! Anything’t stop ya doing bluddy cartwheels! Shove that pound in that little slot first.”
He took the coin from her, fumbled about in his pocket to make sure his lucky kipper was still rotting away then he did as he was told.
“Now then, just pull the trolley out!”
He tried but it wouldn’t budge.
“Wor’ave ya done this time?”
Bel started tugging at the trolley but it wouldn’t move so she bent down and looked at the coin he’d inserted.
“I’ll bluddy kill ya for this y’owd sod!”
She aimed a swipe at him but he ducked and she missed.
“Heh, heh. Never touched me!”
She managed to pull the coin back out from the slot then rounded on him.
“Gimme me pound coin back ya cheeky owd raggy arsed pigmy. Givvit us back this instance!”
Some shoppers leapt back on hearing Bel’s loud voice.
“Sorry Bel.”
He fished about in his pocket and dragged out the pound coin which he’d substituted for a washer, hoping to make a swift profit without her noticing.
He handed her the coin which stunk of lucky kipper which she in turn placed into the slot, at long last managing to draw out a shopping trolley.
“You do thar’again an’ I’ll bust yer bluddy yed open!”
They started to go down the aisles in an orderly fashion placing items for Crusty at one end of the trolley and items for Bel at the other.
“Crusty! Ger’us a bottle o’ milk off that shelf!”
“Wot sort d’ya want Bel? There’s all different types I think.”
“Pasteurised!”
“I can see they are Bel. Am looking but wot sort d’ya want as there’s all these wi’ different coloured labels!”
“PASTEURISED!”
“Am looking past me eyes burra still don’t know wot sort ya wants!”
“Ger’out o’t bluddy road! Pasteurised milk! Pasteurised bluddy milk!”
“Worra ya shouting at me for? Worrava done wrong this time?”
“For being bluddy daft!”
“Oh reet! Bel? Ya know I’ve bin doin’ a bit o’ thinking while ya’ve been avoiding me an’a …”
“Well, yer only allowed one think a month ya know lad. Otherwise yer brain cell won’t last much longer.”
“Oh! I didn’t know that! Anyway worrave bin thinking about is how clever God is!”
She rolled up her eyes. What now?
“Wot d’ya mean owd lad?”
“Well its proper clever how He made us when ya think about it!”
“In wot way?”
She should have just agreed with him and left it at that, but she didn’t!
“Why? If He’d put our mouths where our bums are we’d’ve bin stuffin’ food up our arses. People would’ve had to puff on a cig from’t crack in their bums and we might’ve had to fart out of our ears! Neh, wouldn’t thar’ve bin a reet to do?”
Her eyes had watered up and she was giggling her head off.
“Oh Crusty! In any case that is the way you were made 'cos ya talk through yer arse most o’t time and ya’ve getten sh!t for brains! Where in Heaven’s name d’ya get these bluddy daft ideas from at all?”
“Dunno Bel. They just keep appearing in me brains!”
She stifled another snort.
“Well come on owd lad. I think we’ve done here now haven’t we? Let’s get these paid for and then when I get ya home I’ll put yer stuff away for ya in yer cupboards. Yer Crustamatic should have finished by now so I think I’ll have a few hours with ya tonight. Is thar’okay wi’ you owd lad?”
“Oh yes thackle be brilliant Bel. We’ve nor’ad a night in together for a long while - ever since I painted that motor car!”
“Well I think that’ll be punishment enough for ya then lad. We’ll have summat to eat and then we’ll see wot’s on’t telly. Okay?”
“Well I’d already planned tonight’s viewing Bel. There’s an action movie on.”
“Oh smashing. I like owt like that. Wot’s it about?”
“Why it’s that Terminator II that’s on wi’ Arnold Schwarzen-wotsit! I’ve seen’t first 'un burrave not seen Terminator II!”
“Wot d’ya want to watch that mardy-arsed little wench for?”
“He’s nor’a mardy-arsed lickle wench Bel. He’s a big strong man like you!”
“Wot’s thar’e says owd lad. I’ll be back!”
Crusty snickered.
“Pasta la bistro Bel!”
Crusty wheeled the shopping trolley towards the check out and Bel started to put things onto the conveyor belt. He’d been gawping round him with his thumb stuck in his mouth and suddenly he turned to see all his groceries sliding along the conveyor out of arm’s reach.
Quick as a flash he grabbed all the things and shoved them back into the trolley just as Bel was about to remove the last item.
“That was lucky Bel. All our things nearly slid off into somebody else’s trolley. I caught 'em all just in time!”
[SIZE=“3”]“Ya stupid bumbling owd sod! Wot d’ya think yer doing? I’ve just pur’all them things ON there and you’ve took 'em off again. I’ll have’t start all o’er again!”[/SIZE]
“Worrava done this time, Bel?”
“Neh lissen here cloth 'ead. Ya’ve got to put the things on this belt so that the nice lady can see how much they cost. Then we pay for 'em! Now pur’em all back on this moving bit!”
"Oh sorry! I thowt they were goin’t go in somebody else’s carrier bags! BEL!!"
“Wot’s up now?”
“I didn’t bring me carrier bags wi’ me! How amma goin’t carry all this lot?”
“Well we’ll just have’t buy some more carrier bags. Stop panicking!”
[SIZE=“3”]“Did ya say BUY some more carrier bags Bel? I’ve getten hundreds at home! I’ve getten big 'uns, lickle 'uns, red 'uns, blue 'uns …”[/SIZE]
[SIZE=“3”]“Shaaaadap! They only cost about three pence each so stop yer bluddy squawking or I’ll lamp ya one!”[/SIZE]
“Sorry. Oh, by the way Bel. Did ya get me any Snot Poodles for me dinners?”
“Snot Pood … ya means Pot Noodles ya daft sod! Yeh, I got ya four or five. Is thar’okay?”
“Yis, ta Bel!”
He started dreaming about food again and was just in the middle of a huge banquet when suddenly he felt the walls shudder.
[SIZE=“4”]“CRUSTY! Are ya lissening to me?”[/SIZE]
“Wot? Oh sorry Bel. I were miles away then!”
“I wish ya bluddy well were miles away. Now come on and let’s get this lot into’t car.”
As they were packing their things into her boot somebody tapped Crusty on the shoulder and out flirted his latest corned beef and onion.
First things first, Crusty bent down and picked up his barm cake, wiped the dust and grit off it and replaced it in his right shoulder then he turned to see who’d startled him.
“Hello Crusty me owd mate! How are ya? I thowt tha’d croaked it some years ago!”
“Well by the heck. Just look who it is. Look who it is Bel?”
“Who is it?”
“It’s me owd pal. Alfred the Geek!”
“Alfred the G … How do you do Mr Geek?”
“Hello missus. No, me name’s not Alfred Geek. They call me Alfred the Geek 'cos when I were younger I favvered a geek. D’ya ger’it?”
“Er … yes. Tha’ still does if ya don’t mind me saying so!”
“Ta very much missus!”
“And ya didn’t mind 'em calling ya that?”
“Oh, no I didn’t mind. It were true. I’m six foot five bur’in them days I only weighed about six stone dripping weet through. I used’t have a pimply face, thick black rimmed glasses and I had this raincoat that came down past me knees. I must’ve favvered bluddy weel in them days. It didn’t help much burra had a proper gormless face then. I favvered a park flasher in that mac!”
“Er … yes … I can see by yer description that ya’ve not changed all that much!”
“Bel, Bel, let me talk to Alfred. He’s my mate not yours!”
Bel was beginning to wish she’d left Crusty at home. Once more he’d found another “old mate” by accident and if this new old mate was anything like The Nobbler, Michael and Duster she didn’t hold out much hope that Alfred would be much better.
“Neh then Crusty me owd fettler. Wor’ave ya bin up to for’t last thirty years?”
“Oh well ickle tek me a long time to tell ya everything an’am just on me way home wi’ my Bel for a nice neet in wi’t telly.”
“Well I’ll not come between man and wife so I’ll …”
Bel’s hair stood on end.
[SIZE=“3”]“Howld up a minute owd lad. I’m nor’is bluddy wife! We’re just friends aren’t we Crusty owd lad?”[/SIZE]
“Yis Alfred. Bel is my friend. My very bestest friend in the whole wide world. Why don’t I meet ya tomorrer neet in’t Club. Ya knows which one I mean; Pem Workers? We can have a good yap about old times. You can come too Bel if ya wants.”
“I can’t owd lad. I’ve summat on tomorrow but you go and catch up with Alfred here!”
“Reet then Alfred, I’ll si’ thi’ tomorrer neet!”
“I’ll look forward to it owd fettler. See ya around eight o’clock!”
The day after his meeting with Alfred, Crusty telephoned his Bel to tell her all about it.
Well, nearly all about it.
Between them they’d concocted a new venture which Crusty knew his Bel wouldn’t approve of so he kept it quiet until he felt the moment was right.
[CENTER]-oo0oo-[/CENTER]
When Crusty had finished his little job at the cafe at one o’clock the following Monday he set off in his car in search of his Bel. He’d tried to telephone her at home but he only got the answering machine so he assumed she was at work.
But which one was she at today?
He managed to find Leekey Plumbing which was located in Standish and once he’d parked up in front of the gates that said “LOADING BAY - NO PARKING” he sauntered through the main doors and stopped at the Reception Desk.
“Good morrow Vandal. I’ve got to see my Bel. Weer is her?”
Vanda turned round and stifled a shriek.
“Good afternoon Mr Nibbleswick. How … er … very nice to see you again. I’m sorry but Miss Leekey is out on her lunch break at the moment but she should be back in about ten minutes. Would you like to wait for her?”
“Well I’d best do 'cos if I go away in me lickle car I’ll never be able’t find me way back again.”
“Er … yes, right. Well you sit down over there Mr Nibbleswick and please, don’t touch anything. Okay?”
“Reet y’are Vandal. I’ll just sit here. Have ya gor’any comics I can have a read of while I’m waiting?”
“Comics? We’ve got Home and Garden, Vogue and some others but we’ve no … oh hang on. There’s a Dandy here. Will this do?”
He snatched it off her, eyes gleaming.
“Thackle be beltin’. I’ve not read this one yet!”
Vanda returned to her duties and Crusty read his comic quietly then, after about five minutes, Vanda turned to Crusty.
“Excuse me Mr Nibbleswick. I just have to go to the little girl’s room. Please don’t touch anything while I’m away from my desk.”
“Reet lass. I’ll hold the fort while yer gone!”
She disappeared through a door just as the telephone started to ring.
Crusty kept looking at it but the phone was very insistent so he got out of his seat and picked up the handset.
“Hello. I don’t know who you are but this is Crusty Nibbleswick speaking bur’am nor’at home so if ya’ve bin trying’t ring me there I’m not there 'cos am here at Leekey Plumbing in Standish. Vandal’s gone for a crap and my Bel’s not come back from her din-dins yet where she’ll be sampling the most tasteyful food without me so ya’ll have’t ring back later when …”
[SIZE=“3”]“SHUT YER BLUDDY DRIVELLING YAP YA FARTY ARSED OWD TURD! Wot the bluddy hell are you doing answering my sodding phone?”[/SIZE]
“Oh hiya Bel. It’s your Crusty here! I’ve come a-caaaalling on ya!”
“Worra ya answering me works phone for? Where’s Vanda?”
“She’s gone to’t bog and she told me not to touch anything burra touched the phone didn’t I Bel. Did I do bad again?”
“Don’t you ever answer my works telephones ever again! Now then, I was ringing to tell Vanda that I’m likely to be late back but being as you’re there I’d best set off right away. It’s a bluddy good job it were me that were ringing instead o’ one o’ me best clients. Now stop there till I get back 'cos I want to give you a bluddy good pelt!”
“Reet Bel, ta!”
She was back within fifteen minutes and Crusty dutifully stood up on her entrance. Vanda was back from the toilet and Bel told her to go again whether she needed to or not.
“Is it a pasting I’ll be gerrin or just a kick in’t crusticles?”
“Both. C’m here ya little bog head while I hit ya!”
“Er ta very muchly … but not today Bel!”
W h o o s h!
He took off like lightning and disappeared outside, knowing full well that eventually she’d catch up with him at some stage.
For now though he had rehearsals to attend and he couldn’t do that if he turned up with lumps on his head and both eyes blacked!!
© Mollie M
01.10.03
Yes I do love him Mollie, he’s so simple 
and doesn’t have a bad bone in his body:-D All he wants to do is please his Bel and earn a bob or two in his lickle job
No the stories don’t remind me of anything I’ve seen on tv and I wouldn’t change the format to make better reading, its fine as it is or else I wouldn’t still be here!!
I’ve also heard the blond painting the porsche joke but had forgotten aboutit til Chippy mentioned it
Oh no, wonder what he’s up to now with his old mate…its going to be trouble with a capital T :) He was very good to answer the phone at Bel’s work
Thanks for your replies, Marian.
[B][CENTER]127
A Re-Grouping of Old Pals
(but Crusty’s Drummed Out!)[/CENTER][/B]
Drrrring-drrring!
“Good evening. Crustabel Leekey spea …”
“Hiya Bel. It’s your Crusty a-ringing ya on his telephone in his lickle hallway bur’it’s not from his lickle takeaway telephone!”
“Hello Crusty. Where did you bluddy well whoosh off to yesterday? I were goin’t give ya a bat round’t yed for answering me works phone!”
“I know Bel burra didn’t have time. I’d come to tell ya some exciting news burra couldn’t hang about for a pasting as I were on me way to me new venture!”
She rolled up her eyes.
“Wot new venture? Worra ya up to now?”
“Well d’ya remember t’other day when I met up with Alfred the Geek again?”
“Yeh, wor’about him?”
“Well d’ya remember we said that we’d meet in’t Club the neet after an’a told ya about it?”
“Yeh, wor’about it?”
“Well we did!”
“And?”
“We had a drink!”
“Stop being such bluddy hard work! Worisit ya’ve rung me for? I’m bluddy sick o’ twenty questions!”
“I’ve gor’a surprise for ya Bel burra know ya’ll not approve burram doing it anyway as it’s only a lickle bit o’ fun and they said we could do it in’t Concert Room on a Thursday being as its not in use very often burra thowt I’d …!”
[SIZE=“4”]S l a m !![/SIZE]
While he was still twittering away on the phone Bel put her coat on and jumped into the Volvo and made her way to Crusty’s house. When she arrived she put her key in the lock and let herself in, only to find Crusty still jabbering away on the phone to her, even though it had been a thirty minute drive.
She closed the front door.
[SIZE=“4”]S l a m!![/SIZE]
Crusty jumped and his meat and potato pies flirted out from under his old black jacket. He called over his shoulder to the impatiently waiting Bel.
Paaar - rip!
“Can ya be a bit quieter when ya slams me door? Ya can see am on’t phone talking to my Bel!”
She snatched the receiver out of his hand and placed it back in its cradle.
“Worra ya doin’ at me ph … Oh, hiya Bel. Worra you doing here? Hang on! Let me pick me pies up off’t floor!”
He retrieved his pies and shoved them back under his shoulder pads.
“I were sick of hearing ya drivelling on down’t phone so I thowt I’d come here to listen to wot ya have’t say. That way I’m close enough to give ya a punch if necessary!”
“Oh! That is such a good idea Bel! Ya really do have some beltin’ ideas! Reet, well you come into my lickle living room and I’ll tell ya all about me new venture with The Geek and some other owd mates!”
Other old mates? She knew she wasn’t going to like this.
“Neh then Bel, woritis is this! I first met Alfred back in’t early sixties. Soreen couldn’t stand the sight of him 'cos he frikkened her burra don’t know why. He used’t come all’t way from Golborne just so as he could knock on’t front doors round where we lived and then he’d run off burra caught him out one day so I invited him in. Soreen went bluddy mad!”
“How old was he then?”
“Oh, about thirty-ish!”
“And he used’t ger’a bus all’t way from Golborne just to do that? He dun’t sound bluddy normal to me lad!”
“Yeh, he were a bit odd in them days but him and me gor’on like a house on fire! He were allers pickin’ his nose and farting!”
“That doesn’t surprise me. No wonder ya gor’on together! Carry on.”
“Neh then! Am goin’t tell ya a reet tale now Bel!”
“Well I’m listening.”
“Well, Soreen used’t call him’t Golborne Ghost ‘cos he allers crept round dead quiet at neet in his brothel creepers! Ya could see how tall and thin he were when ya met him t’other day an’ he’s not changed much. He’s allers had a proper thin white face with them big bobber eyes, sticky out cheek bones and giant brown teeth! He just looked like he’d crawled out of a bluddy coffin!”
Bel’s eyes were beginning to water up with laughter again.
“Come’t think of it I never actually saw him in’t dayleet. He’d allers wait of it goin’ dark before he surfaced, just like t’other day. It were dark then when we went to’t supermarket weren’t it? I think he knows thar’e frikkens folk if they see him in a proper light! I can remember one time around Hallowe’en an’ he frikkened a load o’ kids when he jumped out from behind a lamp post and shouted “boo” at 'em. He could hide behind lamp posts then an’a think he probably still can as he’s not pur’any weight on tharra can see! There’s more bluddy fat on a chip than there is on him!”
He sighed and she tried to stop a massive braying snort from escaping so she kept quiet, not daring to speak yet.
“An’ he allers stunk bluddy rotten Bel. I know I pong from time to time bur’e allers stunk o’ pee and rotten apples!”
She’d calmed down just a little bit so she risked a few words.
“I can see why he were named Alfred the Geek owd lad. Well wor’about him anyway? Wot little scheme have ya cooked up between ya?”
“Oh aye, am coming to that. Like I said, the Club said we could use the stage in’t Concert Room for …”
“The stage? Wot d’ya think yer going to do on a bluddy stage again? Yer not goin’t be singing are ya?”
“Let me finish Bel. Back in’t sixties there were me, Alfred the Geek, Frankie “Fingers” Fogarty and Billy the Bonker and we … Worra ya laffin’ at Bel?”
Bel had crumpled up and had fallen onto Crusty’s “new” settee with her eyes awash. She picked up a cushion and stuffed it into her mouth to stop her from sounding like a Moroccan camel giving birth and her eyes were screwed up tight until she could control the laughter. Crusty sat patiently waiting for her to finish and ten minutes later he was able to continue his tale.
“Hang on owd lad before ya go any further. Amma right in thinking ya just said ya had a mate called Billy the Bonker?”
“Yis Bel, that’s right. Wot we used to do was … Are ya goin’t have another good laff Bel?”
She’d put the cushion back into her mouth, eyes streaming, so she just nodded her head but this time she calmed down in a matter of a few minutes.
“Worra ya laffin’ at this time Bel?”
Removing the cushion again she said, “Go on! Tell me why he were called Billy the Bonker. I can’t wait to hear this!”
“Why? We called him that ‘cos he were allers bonking me an’ Alfred … Bel will ya please let me finish before ya starts braying again.”
He raised his voice over her bellowing.
[SIZE=“3”]“We called him Billy the Bonker 'cos he were allers bonking me and Alfred o’er’t bluddy yed with his bony knuckles!”[/SIZE]
Well, that just made her worse than ever. She jumped off the settee and ran full pelt up his stairs, knees together, dying for a pee. When she came back down again she was much calmer, having doused her face with cold water.
“Reet lad. Now then, let’s see if I can get me yed round this. There was you, Alfred the Geek, Frankie “Fingers” Fogarty and Billy the Bonker back in the sixties?”
She burst out laughing again.
“Yis Bel!”
“Wot’s that got to do with anything?”
“Well I’ll tell ya if ya can keep yer face straight for long enough! I’ve never dared tell ya this before but we formed a group back then and we weren’t bad at all. We managed to ger’a few gigs but they never asked us to come back for a second performance! We always wanted to do three spots but they allers paid us up after just one so it give us some spare time for learning new songs.”
Bel just knew there was going to be a lot more of this so was trying to prepare herself not to laugh at him too much. Poor old sod must have thought they were brilliant back then.
“Anyway, I played the drums ‘cos it sort o’ come natural to me after learning how’t play’t tom-toms when I were a lickle lad in Mombongo. Billy sang and played guitar and Alfred played the double bass. The only problem with that was nobody could ever see him 'cos he were so thin. Folk used’t think that the double bass had a pair of arms and stood up and played on its own! Frankie played th’electric organ. He couldn’t half make it talk Bel!”
Bel was in danger of losing self-control again as she tried to picture the scene but couldn’t yet as she hadn’t met Billy and Frankie.
“Wot was the name of yer group then Crusty?”
“Promise ya’ll not laff?”
“No. I can’t promise ya that!”
“We were called The Kryptonites because we were all Supermen! D’ya ger’it Bel?”
That was it! She completely lost it again. Her eyes were red from laughing and her stomach ached.
“I wish ya’d stop laffin’ at me Bel. Tha’ sehnds like a bluddy owd donkey again! Alfred’s trying to contact Frankie “Fingers” and Billy. He thinks he knows where they live. It’s a proper shame about Frankie though!”
“Why’s that y’owd duffer?”
“Well he’s getten such a talent playing with his organ bur’e were born deformed!”
She pressed her lips as tightly together as she could, praying that she wouldn’t burst out laughing again.
“In wot way lad?”
“Why? He’s getten a horshorn lip an’a club fooot!”
She should have super-glued her lips together.
[SIZE=“3”]“Hah, hah, schnorrrrt! Gurgle, gloop, titter! I cawn’t stand any more o’ this! Me bluddy stomach’s killing me wi’ laughing and me bluddy face is aching!”[/SIZE]
Crusty sat glumly with his chin in his hands - a regular sight.
“Ya shouldn’t laff at the afflicticated Bel! Let me know when yer ready for’t next bit!”
“I bet tha’ favvered bluddy weel all’t four of ya’t ‘gether. Thee wi’ a deformed shooder and cauliflower ear, Frankie wi’ a club fooot and horshorn lip and Alfred the Geek who favvers a bluddy owd half-starved vampire! Is there owt up wi’ Billy the Bonker?”
“Funny you should ask that Bel! Well, it depends on which way ya look at it!”
“Go on! Wot’s up wi’ him then?”
“Well it’s only thar’e were born a lickle bit on’t short side. In fact, I think he’s wot ya calls a dwarf but … stop laffin’ Bel, it’s not funny!”
“Yis it is! Wot sort o’ stage wear did ya used’t have?”
“Well naturally we gor’all dressed up in Superman outfits Bel! We wore blue tights and had red knickers outside our tights and red capes but don’t forget we were all a lot younger in them days and I weren’t as fat as I am now! I mean’t say, there’s none of us under sixty eight now!”
She started to convulse and Crusty rushed into the kitchen to get her a glass of water. Her face was contorted and her cheek muscles were seized up giving her
face the appearance of an ugly mask, which was made to look worse because half an hour previously her teeth had fallen out and her mouth was frozen in laughter showing all her gums. Each time she’d replaced them they’d just drop out again every time she started laughing so she’d popped them onto the coffee table until she could calm down properly. Finally, the muscles in her face relaxed. She wiped her eyes and blew her nose and once more replaced her teeth before she spoke again.
“I wish I could’ve seen ya!”
“Well come to’t Club on Thursday neet Bel. We’ll all be there so ya can see us in our owd costumes. I’ve still got me outfit somewhere!”
“Reet owd lad. I’ll do that. I wouldn’t miss it for the world! Have ya all still got yer instruments?”
He tapped his big nose conspiratorially.
“You leave that to us Bel!”
“Are ya sure that Alfred will be able to get in contact with the other two members of your prestigious group owd lad? He won’t have to use a Ouija board will he?”
“Oh aye! I’ve every confidence. Wot’s a Squeegy board? Soon, we’ll be treading the boards again. Re-united after all these years! We’re making a come back Bel!”
“Aye, but come backs are for has beens owd lad!”
[CENTER]-oo0oo-[/CENTER]
Bel couldn’t wait for Thursday to come round. She’d originally been invited to dinner with Frederick and Cassandra whom she saw from time to time at The Cat and the Canary but she rang them with her deepest regrets to say that something quite unforeseen had cropped up right at the last moment.
They were already there when Bel marched through the Games Room and into the Concert Room. The lighting that was on was minimal but there were two spot lights lighting the stage. One green and one red - to create effect, they’d said to the lighting man. As soon as they’d started “tuning up” the lighting man had zoomed back into the Games Room, closing the door tightly behind him.
Bel took a seat facing the stage and put her pint down in front of her, eyes already watering up and fat jiggling with silent laughter at what she could see of their costumes.
They favvered bluddy weel!
That was when she realised that Crusty was sat at the set of drums, which belonged to the resident drummer, and “Fingers” was sat at the Club’s electronic organ and keyboards.
“Cheeky buggers! I don’t think they were given permission to do that!” thought Bel.
As Crusty had said, there stood a double bass all on its own, or at least it appeared to be, until Alfred’s death mask of a face appeared round one side. He was so thin that he defied the laws of gravity as there was nothing to hold him upright and his wraith-like appearance was somewhat daunting, especially with the spot lights highlighting his cheekbones in green light.
She could barely see Frankie “Fingers” because he was only small like Crusty and he was well hidden behind the upper tier of the keyboards and his feet didn’t dangle down far enough to reach the bass pedals of the organ. Crusty was enmeshed in a set of drums and cymbals so he too was partly hidden so there was only Billy the Bonker totally visible.
When Crusty had described Billy as being a dwarf, Bel had automatically assumed that he’d have the usual characteristics, but not Billy. Billy was all of two foot three and had long carrot red hair down his back. He’d one leg slightly longer than the other and had a pronounced hump on his back. His ears were long and pointed, as was his nose and he had the appearance of an horrific hobgoblin. He favvered Rumplestiltskin! He’d actually done quite well during the Wigan Little Theatre’s performance of Hans, The Witch and the Gobbin, he being the gobbin and a later performance in Snow White! There he stood with a Gibson 12-string guitar which was actually much bigger than him!
As Crusty had said, they were all wearing their Superman outfits. The other three were wearing long flowing red capes - well, as long as their height would allow - and the rest of the familiar costume but Crusty had been unable to find his so he substituted it by wearing th’owd black jacket instead, but he did have a pair of blue tights and Good Old Stinky over the top and he wore a pair of wellies which he’d painted red specially for the part!
Bel’s eyes watered up again.
“How the hell did Billy the Bonker keep rapping Crusty and Alfred on top o’t yed wi’ his bluddy knuckles? He’d’ve needed a bluddy extension ladder to get to Alfred!”
She soon found out.
They’d finished “un-tuning” their instruments and Billy, being the lead singer of this motley pack, led them into their first song of the evening.
He tapped his foot loudly on the stage.
“One, two, a-one, two, three, four!”
Screech, groaaan, waaaaaiiil!
There was a clattering as Crusty started hitting the drums in any old fashion, beating the cymbals out of time. The guitar started up a screeching, wailing sound, the double bass started thumping in a monotone as, apparently, Alfred only knew one chord and the keyboards started. Fair play, Frankie “Fingers” could make the keyboards talk but the problem was nobody understood what they were saying!
Billy started singing and his voice was surprisingly quite good. It was just about then that Bel realised that a microphone had been placed beside Crusty as well.
They were doing an extremely painful rendition of Roy Orbison’s “Pretty Woman”.
The double bass played in a dull thud, thud!
The drums played in a clatter, smash, bash, clash and Crusty’s tongue was at maximum dangle. He was tittering and giggling his head off, thoroughly enjoying himself for the first time in ages. The microphone close to Crusty was picking up more than just his voice though. Because he’d been so excited about his new stage appearance his “singing” was interspersed with something else.
Paaarip, blobble-blobble, paaarip, blobble-blobble!
Billy played the guitar with several unnecessary twiddly runs around the chords, completely obliterating the melody and making a mish-mash of sounds!
They looked like something off the Muppet Show, except that they were real people!
Every now and then Billy would leap up into the air like a Jack-in-the-Box and that was when Bel realised how he managed to bonk Crusty and Alfred on the head. He must have leapt up at least three to four feet which was something of a speciality for the group, and used to bring huge applause! This man was now in his early seventies so he must have kept himself in pretty good condition to achieve such a feat!
The keyboards played in a series of bum notes missing out the minor and minor seventh chords! Altogether, an unmitigated explosion of sounds, teamed up nicely with Billy’s valiant attempt to “keep it together” and Crusty’s squawking and farting loudly down the other mike.
Bel clapped her hands over her ears and cursed herself silently for not bringing her ear muffs with her.
Finally, and blessedly, the last note of the song rang out and Crusty jumped up from behind the set of drums urging the other three to join him centre stage so that they could take a bow in front of his Bel. His huge chimpy chops were grinning from ear to ear and as they lined up on stage Bel’s eyes watered up yet again as she at long last saw the full implication of Crusty’s stage outfit and the rest of the group. From the left stood the tall, gaunt Alfred the Geek, then Crusty at five foot four in his moth etten owd black jacket, tights, Good Old Stinky and wellies, then Frankie “Fingers” at around five foot one and, by now, Bel could see the club foot and horshorn lip quite clearly, and finally little Billy the Bonker, all going down from left to right in order of height.
They favvered bluddy weel.
“Wot d’ya think then Bel? It were bluddy beltin’ that weren’t it? Wot d’ya think about me singing outfit?”
Saying nothing she took a camera from her bag and aimed it straight at them. They all stood like statues while she took the picture and seconds later the photograph rolled out of the camera.
“Bel, Bel! Let’s have a look. I didn’t know ya had one o’ them paranoid cameras!”
"It’s a bluddy Polaroid ya daft sod. It’s thee that’s bluddy paranoid if ya think ya sound good.
“Did ya not like our playing then Bel?”
“Tha’ sehnds bluddy weel, all’t lorra ya!”
Undeterred they returned to their instruments and Crusty tapped the edge of the snare drum four times to signal the beat for the next song only this time the keyboards took over from the drums and Crusty arose again from his seat and solemnly took centre stage, microphone in hand, trying to look dead cool!
Bel reacted in her usual way.
“Thee bluddy well dare start singing on yer own an’ Ill gi’ thi’ a bluddy smack!”
He started bouncing about on his knees and the “musicians” waited until Crusty was ready to start his solo song. The other three were grinning like loons, totally happy in their work and from time to time a couple of the lads came through from the Games Room to see what all the racket was about. They stayed for approximately thirty seconds a time, burst out laughing, then buggered off back to the manly roar of the Games Room as they watched a rugby game on the television.
Billy was getting fed up of waiting for Crusty and yelled at him.
“Come on Crusty ya daft owd fart. Get started on’t bluddy song otherwise ickle tek three quarters of a bluddy hour’t get goin’!”
“Reet owd lad. Am ready’t start now! Bel, Bel. Am goin’t sing that song by a group called Weet, Weet, Weet. It’s called Loaf is All Around!”
At long last he started.
[B][I][CENTER]I feel it in me fingers
When I root up me nose
There’s grunge an’ snot an’ bogies
And there’s a lorra crows
Ya gives yer rissoles to me
I don’t give mine to you
I need someone to feed me
In everything I do
(Oh yes I do)
I’ll ayte a whole loaf
Ya know tharra will
Me mind’s made up
So I’ll get me some swill
There’s no beginning
There’ll be no end
'Cos on my loaf
There’ll be a hen
Squawk!
I feed me face before you
As I thinks in me yed
An’ then I gets to thinkin’
About a loaf of bread
I’d give my …[/CENTER][/I][/B]
[SIZE=“3”]“SHAAAA-DAP!”[/SIZE]
All instruments came to a grinding halt and they all looked fearfully at Bel who, up to this moment, hadn’t interrupted them apart from telling them that they sounded terrible.
“Wossup Bel? D’ya not like me song!”
“Tha’ sehnds like a load o’ bluddy owd cats goin’ through’t mangle!”
“Why are they called Weet, Weet, Weet? I wouldn’t like thar’at all! It would’ve bin better if they’d called theirselves Dry, Dry, Dry!”
[SIZE=“3”]“SHAAAA-DAP ya red arsed monkey!”[/SIZE]
Suddenly there was absolute silence in the room as they watched in terror as Bel climbed the three steps onto the stage. Being careful of the Club equipment, she dragged Crusty by the scruff down the steps again and kicked him up the arse.
“Ouch, ouch Bel. I’ve not getten rid of me piles yet. Wor’ave ya done that for?”
“Yer goin’ wom! Sorry lads but ya’ll have to find yerself another Ringo Starr to play for ya 'cos this owd sod’s just bin grounded.”
There wasn’t one of them that dared to argue with her except for Alfred who stepped forward.
“And wot do you want? Come any closer an’ I’ll ring thi’ out like a bluddy dish rag!”
Alfred stepped back.
“Aw, it’s not fair Bel. Yer worse than me mam. She allers stopped me just when I were having some fun.”
“Come on! I’m tekkin’ ya wom and then I’m goin’t give you a surprise!”
She pitched him into her car and drove the short distance to his hovel, parked up then dragged him out of the car by his ear. Opening his front door with her own key she gave him a mighty shove in the back so forceful that he ended up bent forward, his nose pointing the way to the wall as he struggled to stop himself from bashing into it.
He was unsuccessful.
“Ouch, me bluddy shnout!”
“Ger’in that living room!”
Holding on to his hooter he scuttled off and leapt on his chair crossing his legs underneath him on the seat.
“Neh then. Just you listen to this. I took the precaution of taking a little tape recorder with me so I made this. Neh just you listen!”
She plugged the machine in and rewound the tape, turned the volume up full whack then pressed the play button. Crusty sat wincing at every sound that came out of the tape then he started sobbing his heart out.
“Sorry Bel. We sehnd bluddy weel don’t we?”
“Yis!”
“Am proper sorry. I never knew we sounded that bad but we were never able to record ourselves back in’t sixties. I know I’m not exacertackerly the best singer in the world burra …”
“Yer’t worst singer in’t bluddy world thee!”
“I know. In’t it awful wot we put them poor people through that came to watch us? Nor’only that Bel! Ya can hear me farting coming through loud and clear as well!”
“Aye, an’ it’s not just the bluddy awful din either. Look at this picture again!”
He took the snap from her, studied it hard and his eyes watered up with sad tears.
“We favver bluddy weel an’ all Bel. There’s none of us really look like Superman do we Bel? We all thowt we looked brilliant back in them days. All’t lor’of us are bluddy deformed one way or another. We should’ve called ourselves The Soft Lads, shouldn’t we Bel?”
“Well it would’ve bin more appropriate owd lad!”
She smiled at him fondly and patted him on top of his head.
“Ne’ mind owd lad. At least ya know your Bel’s always honest with ya. I wouldn’t let ya make an idiot out of yerself without stepping in to stop ya.”
Suddenly he had another one of his brilliant ideas. His eyes brightened and a big grin appeared from ear to ear.
“Wot’s thy bluddy well grinning like a constipated owd chimp for?”
“Why Bel? I’ve got the perfikt solution!”
“Go on!”
“Well, us lads can carry on playing and you could be our lead singer. Ya could dress up as Tina …”
“Stop! Don’t go any further 'cos the answer is absolutely, definitely NO!”
“But Bel!”
“But nowt! Neh let that be an end to it or I’ll have’t think of another punishment for ya!!”
“Okay! Ta Bel!”
© Mollie M
08.10.03
Just caught up with the last two chapters and it was brilliant!
Laughed at him in Lidls, putting the shopping back in the trolley 
As for the reformation of their band…
Good job Bel took a recording of it so he could hear for himself what they sounded like!
Like Marian said, nothing in the storylines remind me of anything from TV…it’s totally unique 
Thanks very much for that, Carmen. I’ve tried to make them as unique as I could, and I haven’t based my characters on anyone on TV - only from real life. 
Just read this Mollie, didn’t realise it was there! Really enjoyed it especially the descriptions of the band and their names!
That’s okay lass. Glad you enjoyed it. 
[B][CENTER]128
An Unusual Meeting
(and a Case of Mistaken Identity!)[/CENTER][/B]
An hour after she’d got him home from his rehearsals Bel left him sulking in his living room. He’d thought re-forming The Kryptonites was going to be such a wonderful chance of appearing on Britain’s Got Talent or X-Factor, but she’d brought him back down to earth with a bump!
Wor’a bluddy shame!
“It’s not fair. I were only tryin’t have a nice time wi’ me owd mates an’ her’s gone an’ stopped me again. Ne’ mind though, I’ve getten Billy the Bonker’s phone number! Heh, heh!”
Paaarp!
That stopped him snickering.
“Oops! I seem’t have a lorra wind in me bally again! I’d best get summat ayte before I go’t bed otherwise I’ll be like a hungry owd grizzly bear all neet!”
He scurried into his kitchen and flung open the cupboard doors with glee.
“Neh then! Worrava getten in?”
He scanned the shelves until his greedy little piggy eyes lit on something.
“Ooh! I’ve nor’ad any spam for a long while and this tin’s goin’ a bit rusty so I’d best ger’it etten.”
He managed to open the tin by its ring-pull, with a struggle, and sliced it into four thick mis-shapen pieces, which he then put under the grill. Then he got out a tin of beans and sausage, plopped them into a pan then onto the stove to simmer.
“Neh, wor’else canna have? Oh aye!”
He got out a box of eggs, took out three and put them into his frying pan.
Sizzle!
He never was much good at timing things right whilst cooking, and the beans started to stick to the bottom of the pan before his spam was cooked, but eventually it all went into a heap on his plate topped with a huge dollop of tomato sauce. As he sat down with his knife and fork he suddenly felt guilty.
“I shouldn’t really be aytein’ this at this time o’ neet. I had me tea at five o’clock, then me second tea at nine, me first supper at ten and now am aytein’ again and it’s still only eleven o’clock, not to mention me two brekkies and me double din-dins! Am goin’t be as fat as a pig!”
Crusty! You are as fat as a pig!
[B][I]“Gaaaranch, mnyam, burp, boip, baaraf-raf!”
Blobble!
Paaarp![/I][/B]
He shovelled it down anyway then trundled off to bed, and a couple of hours later something woke him up.
Rumble! Plopple!
He peeped out from under the blankets wondering what had woken him up and all of a sudden there it was.
“Pooooh! Wor’a bluddy stink! Who’s farted? Oh aye, there’s only me here so it were probably me again. It stinks like a bluddy owd drain in here! Even I cawn’t go’t sleep wi’ that pong hanging about!”
He made a move to get up then realised there was something wrong.
“Oh no!! I think I’ve followed through this time! Oh hecky pecky!”
He considered ringing his Bel to find out what he should do, but then he noticed the time and decided against it. He got out of bed and slid his feet around on the floor until he found his kippers, which he slipped on. Shambling along in the freezing bedroom with his old moth eaten tartan fleecy bathrobe wrapped round him, skinny little pimply legs dangling down as white as snow, he went and opened the window where he was met with an icy blast of cold air. The curtains stood out horizontally like flags as there was a heavy wind outside and a heavy wind inside.
Paaarp!
Off came Good Old Stinky and Crusty slithered off into the bathroom slinging him into the wash basin to “soak” in an inch of cold water then went to the toilet.
“Brrrr! Am goin’t freeze to deeth up here toneet wi’t winders wide open. I think I’ll go an’ sleep on me couch downstairs. Ickle be a lickle bit warmer down there! Am goin’t have’t ask my Bel where ya can buy some o’ them incompetence knickers!”
He got his head down for the night and was awoken again the following morning with his front door slamming.
“Whoosat?”
“Wot the bluddy hell! [SIZE=“3”]Th’whole house stinks like a bluddy sewer! Crusty ger’out o’ yer festerin’ flea pit and get down these stairs now!”[/SIZE]
“Mornin’ Bel! Am nor’upstairs! Am here in me lickle living room on’t couch!”
She pushed the door open and saw Crusty curled up in his grungy old eiderdown and his eyes and nose were peeping over the top.
[SIZE=“3”]“Why didn’t ya sleep in yer bed? Hast sh!tten in it? Worra ya still doin’ asleep ya fat lazy owd scrawl? D’ya know wot time it is?”[/SIZE]
“One question at a time please, Bel. I cawn’t work out which question ya wants me’t answer first! Wot time is it Bel? It feels as if I’ve only just gone’t sleep!”
“It’s eleven o’clock and you’re still there festerin’ away! Yer late for work!”
His eight strands of hair stood on end.
“Eleven o’clock? How’s it getten that time already? Well ger’out o’ me living room Bel so tharra can ger’up and get meself ready. I’ll have’t just work longer hours to get me time in!”
“Well I’m dying to go to’t toilet an’a need to find out where that stink’s coming from, so you be making yerself decent while I’m upstairs!”
“I cawn’t smell owt!”
“Well I can!!”
“Reet! Ta Bel!”
Crusty got up and wrapped the eiderdown round him as best he could and as he was about to go up the first step of the stairs, the house rattled.
[SIZE=“3”]“Wot the bluddy hell are these nasty owd sh!t bags doin’ in’t sink? Crusty! Ger’up here, NOW!”[/SIZE]
“Just coming Bel. Worra ya shouting at me for this time? I’ve done nowt wrong tharra can remember.”
Wh-oooooooo-sh!
He poked his head round the bathroom door and, because it was the first thing to appear, Bel grabbed hold of his nose before he disappeared again.
“C’m here and explain this!”
“Worishit Bel?”
She shoved his head into the wash basin and his eyes watered up from the smell.
“Poooh, that’sh horrible!”
“Wot the bluddy hell are these sh!tty underpants doin’ in’t wash basin?”
His face drained. He’d completely forgotten he’d slung them in there the night before.
“Sorry Bel, burra can explain it all to ya!”
“Explain then!”
“Why? Wor’appened was, last night after I’d gone to be-bo’s, I suddenly wakened up again and then I smelled it Bel. It were horrible so worra did was I gor’up and took Good Old Stinky off, slung him in’t basin for a soak, went to’t lav and because it stunk rotten upstairs I decided to go down and sleep on’t couch. I opened all’t winders first though Bel to let the pong out! I should’ve soaked 'em in more water though shouldn’t I?”
She rubbed his nose in them and then gave him a belt round the ear.
“Ger’em washed NOW! Give 'em a bluddy good scrub, wring 'em out then shove 'em into’t Crustamatic with yer other stinkies!”
“Reet y’are Bel. If am goin’t be doin’ all that though, I’ll be even later for work!”
“Never mind work. I’ll phone Jim to tell him that ya’ll not be coming in. D’ya want me to tell him wot ya’ve done?”
“No Bel, please Bel, don’t tell anybody Bel, please!”
“Get yer jobs done then! I’ll stop here and make sure ya ger’it done proper!”
“Ta Bel. By the way, Bel. I knew there was summat I wanted to ask ya. Where can ya buy them incompetence knickers from?”
Smack!
“Ya shouldn’t be needing any! Yer nor’a little baby. Ya’ll be wantin’ me’t change yer bluddy nappy next! Wot did you eat just before ya went to bed last night?”
He told her.
“Well that’s why ya’ve had yer accident. Spam, sausages, beans AND THREE BLUDDY FRIED EGGS! Ya shouldn’t eat so much before ya goes to bed Crusty, especially bluddy beans, so in future all ya can have is a nice glass o’ warm milk. It’ll help ya sleep through’t neet and it’ll not cause this problem again!”
"Warm milk! Burra were hungry Bel!"
“Yer allers bluddy hungry, but ya don’t have t’ayte like that ya greedy owd pig! A bluddy Sumo wrestler eats less than you!”
“Am proper sorry Bel. If I’d known ya were coming round this morning I’d’ve gor’it sorted out before ya came. Wot did ya come for anyway?”
“Well for a start I didn’t expect to see you rotting away on yer bluddy couch as I thowt ya’d be at work by now.”
“I know. I set me alarm, burra mustn’t’ve heard it 'cos it’s upstairs on me lickle bedside cabinet!”
“Well why didn’t ya bring it down with ya then?”
“Dunno. Never thowt about it! So wor’ave ya come for then Bel?”
“Well to tell ya’t truth I came to see if I could catch you out. I came to see if there’s anything ya’ve not bin cleaning that you should’ve bin!”
“Have ya nowt better’t do Bel? I thowt ya was a busy lady with yer businesses without checking up on me!”
“I am a busy lady, but you make work twice as hard 'cos I’ve got to keep running round after ya all’t time with a bluddy mop and bucket. It’s a good job I did come this morning otherwise Good Owd Stinky would still have been there at five o’clock tonight!”
He picked up all his grotties and preceded Bel down the stairs with them and, as he got to the bottom, she gave him a swift kick up the arse for his trouble.
“Ouch! Thar’urt! I’ve still getten me piles Bel!”
“Don’t be daft. Men don’t get piles.”
“Yeh they do Bel. Doctor Fry said I’d getten piles an’ he gid me some stuff for 'em!”
“I don’t care. Men don’t get piles!”
“Why not?”
She started snickering.
“Because when God made man he made the perfect arsehole! Now go and get yer jobs done. I’m goin’t sit in yer living room and read me newspaper for a bit!”
“Okay Bel!”
She read the front page headlines and her brow creased.
“Tut, tut! I see that Arnold Schwarzenegger’s just become Governor of California! Wor’ever next? They’ll be voting for bluddy Ken Barlow for Prime Minister at the next election and Peter Barlow as the Minister for Licensed Gambling! Wor’about Zak Dingle as Keeper of the Privvy Purse or for’t Chancellor of the Exchequer?”
She had a little snicker as her thoughts went into overdrive.
“Neh then. Wor’about Andy Sugden as Minister for Agriculture, Roy Cropper as Minister for Arseholes, Phil Mitchell for Lord Chief Justice and they could declare the Rovers Return a National Trust building! Wor’is the world coming to at all?”
As she got to the letters page Crusty came back in.
“Grotties cleaned and dried now Bel, an’ave tekken ‘em out o’ me dryer as well and folded 'em all up neat an’ave cleaned me bathroom too!”
“That’s a good boy! Now then, while we’ve got the rest of the day to ourselves wot shall we do?”
“Well, if it’s all’t same to you Bel I’d just as soon stop at home and watch Jeremy Kyle on Catch-Up on’t telly! I feel like having a good sulk on me own!”
"Jeremy Kyle? Ya sad owd sod! Reet, in that case I think I’ll go into town then to do a bit o’ shopping! I could do wi’ a new pair o’ shoes, so you stop here and watch yer rubbish on telly!"
She got into her car and drove into town, parking up on the multi-storey car park. She had a mooch around the market, then went into the Royal Arcade to buy a new pair of shoes which cost her the best part of a hundred quid.
As soon as Bel had left, Crusty leapt out of his chair with a snicker and got a box from his sideboard drawer, which contained an answering machine that someone had given him. He sat cross-legged on the floor, instructions in hand, and with furrowed brow and tongue at maximum dangle, he spent the next three hours trying to decipher the technical jargon, occasionally doing little practice runs and eventually, after a lot of mumbling and temper tantrums, he managed to get it working.
Coming out of the Royal Arcade onto the main street Bel decided to go for a look around Debenhams to find a nice dress to go with the shoes, and an hour later she came back out again having bought a complete new outfit for herself.
“Reet, now then I could do wi’ some new undies so I’ll nip next door into Marks and Spencer. It’s th’only place I can ger’a double barrelled sling shot in my size, a 50 DDDD, an’a decent pair o’ fancy drawers! Thank God they cater for the larger than average lady such as meself!”
Whilst she was looking around in the lingerie department she spotted a very familiar figure hunched over fingering the panties and bras. She bounded over to him and grabbed him by his ear then tugged him off to one side.
“Wot the bluddy hell d’ya think you’re doin’ in here, and worra ya looking at ladies undies for ya nasty owd fart! I thowt ya were stoppin’ in to watch Jeremy Kyle!”
“I say madam! What exactly do you think you’re doing? I have every right to shop in Marks the same as you or anyone else and who is Jeremy Kyle?”
“Get goin’ and stop tryin’t talk proper. Ya’ve no bluddy business in a place like this stinkin’t bluddy place out!”
“Madam! I really must protest. I’ve been making my purchases in this shop for a very long time now and you have absolutely no right whatsoever to impede me in my quest for something new!”
“Eh?”
Then she realised.
He didn’t stink!
He didn’t have a cauliflower ear!
He didn’t have a deformed shoulder!
He didn’t have squelchy little farty black vinyl boots on!
He wasn’t wearing th’owd black jacket!
This wasn’t Crusty!
Oh, oh!
She let go of his ear, which had turned red from screwing it round and stood back to look at him properly, and just stared in absolute disbelief.
“Thank you madam! Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to continue with my shopping!”
“I’m truly very, very sorry. It’s amazing, but you are identical to someone I know. The only difference is that you dress nicely, you don’t stink and you don’t have a cauliflower ear!”
“Cauliflower ear? Don’t stink? What are you talking about madam?”
“May I take the liberty of asking you your name please sir?”
“My name is Crispian Crunchworth Gobblesford-Nibbleswick. That’s hyphenated! My friends call me Crispy!”
Bel’s eyes watered up.
“I don’t believe this. Your name’s Nibbleswick?”
“Gobblesford-Nibbleswick madam, if you please!” said Crispy rather stiffly.
“Do you have any affinity with a place called Mombongo, by any chance?”
“Mombongo? Can’t say I’ve ever heard of it! What are all the questions for? Who are you anyway?”
“Mister Nib - Mister Gobblesford-Nibbleswick. My name is Crustabel Leekey and I’m …”
“Not the Leekey of Leekey Haulage, Leekey Plumbing and Leekey Bathrooms per chance?”
“Yes! Have you heard of me?”
“Well of course. Who in business hasn’t? A very formidable lady, so I am told!”
“Well, it depends who I’m dealing with! I don’t suppose you have time to go somewhere for a nice cup of tea, do you? That way I can explain what’s just happened.”
“As a matter of fact I do have some time on my hands. I’m somewhat intrigued as to why you mistook me for someone else. Perhaps you’ll explain why you twisted my ear round?”
“I’ll be more than happy to and I am sorry about that Crispy. Come on, I know somewhere nice!”
Bel and Crispy chatted over cups of tea in The Continental down Market Street for more than an hour and Bel asked him to dinner the following evening at her home. She’d explained to him about the Crusty and wanted them to meet each other. To look at, they were almost like identical twins but obviously, due to being brought up quite differently, they were as alike as chalk and cheese, Crispy being a very intelligent well to do person and Crusty being the complete opposite.
“Do you believe in fate Crispy?”
“I’m not sure I know what you mean mi’ dear!”
“Well, I only decided to come into town on the off-chance. I bought shoes in the Royal Arcade then went into Debenhams, then into Marks. If I’d done any of those things in a different order the probability is that I wouldn’t have bumped into you and would never have known of your existence!”
“Mmmm, I see what you mean. And you say this Crusty character is a dead ringer for me. A doppleganger I think they call it?”
“Absolutely! You MUST be related, Crispy. I mean Crusty’s full name is Crustopher Gravyd Eatwell Nibbleswick!”
“Upon my soul! Perhaps he’s a long lost cousin or something. How old is he? I’m sixty five years old!”
“Amazing! Crusty’s sixty eight!”
“Well mi’ dear. I’m really looking forward to meeting my long lost relative. I didn’t think I had any other relatives still living! It will be so nice to meet him and chat about our families!”
“Yes, well he’s not quite what you’d expect but I’ll say no more for now Crispy! Incidentally, are you married?”
“Oh yes. I was choosing some new lingerie for Flora for her birthday soon! You didn’t think I was choosing something for myself did you mi’ dear?”
Bel threw her head back and laughed.
“Well I didn’t know I’d grabbed the wrong person! Sorry if I hurt your ear.”
“That’s okay, no harm done. Does your invitation stretch to the little woman joining me tomorrow night?”
“Oh yes, absolutely!”
Crispy thanked Bel for her kind invitation and, having secured her address, bade her farewell until the following evening.
When Bel got home later that day she immediately telephoned Crusty.
[B][I]Drrring, drrring!
Drrring, drrring!
Drrring, drrring![/I][/B]
“That’s funny he usually answers straight aw …”
“Hello, this is Crusty Nibbleswick speaking from his lickle telephone in his lickle hallway at 13 Bakewell Drive. Well, am not really here now, burra was here when I were saying this on me lickle answering machine, burram not here now. Well I am here now burrall not be if yer lissening to me message. So if yer lissening to me message it means tharram not here. It’s bluddy confusing this 'cos I am here really bur’if ya wants to tell me summat ya can …”
Beep!
Bel rolled her eyes up. When had he got the answering machine?
“Crusty! It’s me, Bel. Pick yer bluddy phone up ya daft owd ditch rat. I know yer there 'cos I can smell ya from here. I’ve got summat to tell ya!”
Crusty had been tittering his head off as he listened to his message, but when he heard his Bel shouting at him down the phone, he picked up.
“Hiya Bel. This is Crusty Nibbleswick speaking from …”
“Shaddap! Listen owd lad. I want ya to come round to my house tomorrow night for yer din-dins. I’ve invited somebody else as well who I really want you to meet, okay lad?”
“Is it a lady Bel?”
“No, it’s a man bur’e’s fetching his wife as well. I think ya’ll get the biggest surprise of yer life owd lad. I met him today in Marks and Spencer so will ya come? I’ll make ya the most tasteyful meal ever!”
“Ooh! Will ya be making a gradely pon o’ lobbies Bel?”
“Oh no lad! I’ll make us a nice clear chicken soup to start with, then …”
“Can we have some chips?”
“No! I’m going to cook some beautiful fillet steak, duchess potatoes, Julienne of carrots, asparagus and broccoli and a delicious peppery mushroom sauce with big pieces of mushroom! How does that sound owd lad?”
Sluuurp, droool, slavver!
“Do we get some afters as well?”
“Yes lad. Wot d’ya fancy?”
“Lime jelly and blancmange wi’ lickle coloured bits on’t top!”
“No lad, not jelly, not this time anyway. I’ll make ya a trifle another time. Wor’about some nice profiteroles with …”
“Worra them?”
“Well they’re like little chocolate eclairs with cream inside them an’ a big dollop o’ fresh cream on’t top!”
Slobber, schlip, sluuurp!
“Sounds bluddy good that Bel. Is it a special occasion?”
“Er … yes lad. In a way it is. Like I said I’ve got a really big surprise for ya, but ya’ve got to promise me that ya’ll not be scared!”
All of a sudden he felt scared!
“Why Bel? Why would I be scared? Is it summat thackle frikken me?”
“I hope not owd lad. See ya tomorrow night then at eight o’clock sharp. D’ya think ya’ll be able’t find yer way by that time?”
“I think so Bel. I’ll set off extra early. Wot will I pur’on though? Havva got to put summat nice on?”
“Oh yes please owd lad. Have a nice shower and put yer very bestest clothes on, okay?”
He was dubious about the shower.
“A shower? Reet Bel. I’ll put me new courting outfit on then, bye!”
He hung up leaving her with her phone stuck to her head and nobody on the other end.
“His new courtin’ outfit? Wot’s he on about this time?”
When he’d hung up, Crusty scuttled off upstairs to get his outfit ready for the following night. He wanted to look his very best for his Bel and not show her up in front of her other guests. He dug out his new green jacket, which he’d recently acquired from the left luggage office of the train station, together with a pair of tan coloured trousers, which he got at the same time.
It was quite amazing how many people lost their trousers on the train and the bus!
He found a mustard coloured shirt from the back of his wardrobe and a nice red tie. Having checked everything to make sure they were all more or less crease free, he laid them out on his little chair in the bedroom to air so they could get rid of the musty smell for the following night.
Bel had asked Crispy to be at her house with his wife for seven thirty so that he’d be there before Crusty arrived.
[CENTER]-oo0oo-[/CENTER]
Crispy and Flora arrived in a red Aston Martin, bearing the number plate CRI 5 P, on the dot of seven thirty, and Mrs Shepherd opened the door to their knock and showed them straight through into Bel’s best reception room, a room which Crusty had never been in before. While they were enjoying the glass of sherry, which Mrs Shepherd had poured for them, Crusty was just coming down the driveway in his little purple Noddy car.
Thump, thump, thump, rrrring!
“Oops! Here he is now Crispy. Now remember! Please stand with your back to the door until he comes in then turn slowly to face him, okay?”
“Okay mi’ dear, will do!”
[B][I]W h o o s h!
S q u e l l l l l c h!
Paaarp![/I][/B]
“Bel, Bel! Am here Bel. I’ve arrived Bel. Weer’s me din-dins?”
“Crusty! Take yer crash helmet off lad!”
As Crusty came to a back-breaking halt leaving skid marks on the carpet, Crispy started to turn round to face his doppleganger!
Crusty looked at Crispy and Crispy looked at Crusty.
Crusty’s face turned white.
“Aaaaargh! Bel, Bel help me Bel! There’s a man standing theer wi’ my face on!”
Little legs going like pistons, he shot off to hide and they heard a mournful whisper coming from behind the sofa.
“Bel, Bel, help me Bel!”
© Mollie M
13.10.03
Another good read Mollie. Fancy Bel bumping into Crispy a Crusty lookalike!!Can’t wait to hear what happens next! Will it put Crusty off his food, hmmm.
Cheers, Marian. I’m just about to put Part 2 of this on.
Er … a nuclear explosion wouldn’t put Crusty off his grub!