Ok 
I do enjoy reading about dear owd Crusty and although I’m into a good book at the moment, will always find time for him 
[B][CENTER]38
Crusty Goes to a Health Farm
(and Almost Starves to Death!)[/CENTER][/B]
When he finally arrived home from the Plantations where he’d had the terrible encounters with the camels and chimps, a familiar car was parked at the front of his bungalow. It was Bel’s big Volvo Estate with it’s easily recognisable number late P 55 OLE.
Worried that she might have brought her Hallowe’en broomstick with her he parked behind her and got out of the car. She got out of hers at the same time and seeing the state he was in immediately took pity on him.
“Wot the bluddy hell hast bin up to this time ya smelly owd chimp?” she asked him with a smirk on her face.
He hung his head, afraid to tell her.
“Ya look as if ya’ve done a couple of rounds wi’ a hairy arsed monster!”
“I have Bel,” he replied, not smiling.
“Seriously though Crusty, you do!”
“Seriously Bel, I have! Five of 'em to be precise!”
“Wor’a bluddy shame! Come on then owd farty arse, open’t door and ler’us in. Ya can tell me all about it while yer gerrin changed and I’ll make a cup of tea. Ya stinks to high heaven! In fact, if ya can find yer soap, ger’it de-fluffed and ger’a shower while yer up there!”
He liked it when Bel spoke kindly to him with terms of endearment like “owd farty arse”. He grinned at her now!
“Okay Bel. I must admit I do smell a lickle more badly than I normally do.”
“Yeh, bur’only a little bit! Fetch them sh!tty clothes back down wi’ ya and ger’em in’t Crustamatic.”
“Yis Bel, I intended to do that anyway!”
He was miffed at her thinking he might do otherwise.
Good grief!!
She heard the plumbing doing its clanking and banging which told her that it hadn’t been used in a very long while, but at least he was making the effort and having a shower. Even Crusty couldn’t stand the smell of himself at the moment and he felt much better when he’d done. The fluff had come off the soap quite easily with the force of the water and, when he’d finished, he put some clean clothes on!
What? Oh yes, he did actually have some clean clothes for once!
Before leaving the bathroom, he took his old bottle of Airwick out of the cupboard and pulled the plunger out a little to give the room a nicer smell. He’d hidden the Airwick from Bel as she’d go mad if she saw it. He’d had that for about twenty five years and it was well past its best. In fact, it stunk rotten!
He went back downstairs again and straight into the kitchen carrying the crappy clothes. Bel was waiting for him to come down and was wearing rubber gloves, which she kept at Crusty’s just in case they were needed, and a peg on her nose. She took the clothes off him and one by one pushed them into the washer. She held up an unusual looking garment between thumb and forefinger, at arm’s length.
“Wot the bluddy hell are these?”
“Them’s me combinations, Bel. I wear 'em when it’s cowd.”
“I’ll bet ya bluddy well sleep in 'em as well don’t ya? DON’T YA?”
“Well yes I do Bel when Jim and Jam ger’a bit too stiff. Wot’s wrong wi’ that?”
“Oh, nothing! I supposed it’s to be expected from a nasty owd sod like you.”
She put the powder in and started the machine going on a hot wash. The sheepskin and OBJ included!! What the hell! The OBJ was over the moon again. Another wash! Yes, yes, yes!! Yippee!
Removing the gloves and peg she finished making the tea and they went into Crusty’s crummy living room.
“Now then. Tell me wor’appened.”
“Two camels spit at me, two chimps peed on me an’ another crapped in front o’ me and lobbed some of it at me! Then she grabbed me crusticles and gave 'em a good pinch! I’ll tell ya from’t beginning!”
He went through the whole sorry tale, omitting the part about being sacked from his little job. He told her with head bowed low that he’d been spit-balled by the camels and peed on, sh!t-balled by the chimps and that one of them had sexually assaulted him by grabbing his crusticles giving them a good squeeze, then ran off grinning.
“Then a hand grabbed hold o’ me an’a started screaming ‘cos I thowt it were another one havin’ a do at me, bur’it were’t Keeper an’e got me back to me car in one piece!”
She didn’t interrupt him while he was telling his saga and, when he’d finished, he looked up at her sorrowfully waiting for tea and sympathy. She couldn’t have interrupted him while he was telling his tale even if she’d wanted to. On hearing the first story about the camels she’d turned her head away from him and sat back on the settee. He’d been perched on the end.
She was in bulk laughing silently, her eyes streaming and fat jiggling away, but now he’d stopped and turned to look at her, the laughter came spilling out. She was braying out like a demented donkey and couldn’t catch her breath and it was half an hour later before the laughter subsided, during which time she’d slapped him hard on the back three times. He was fed up of falling on the floor. Crusty just sat watching her completely dumbstruck with his chin resting in his hands.
“How come ya always find all the nasty things thar’appen to me, funny? It’s not fair Bel. I could’ve been killed by them ugly arsed buggers and all you do is laugh.”
“The reason is, Crusty, that there’s only you could get yerself in such a tangle. Do you know of anyone else that gets themselves into predicaments like you do?”
“Well, come’t think of it, I don’t, bur’it dun’t mean thar’it dun’t happen to anybody else.”
They sat quietly for a few moments.
“Bel?”
“Wot!”
“Ya know I told ya wot the Zoo Keeper said about me favvering one o’ them chimps?”
“Yes, wor’about it?”
“Well, do I favver a chimp?”
“Well ya walk like one and ya scampers about like one, so I suppose there is a bit of a resemblance, why?”
“Well it’s not so long ago since you and The Nobbler said I had a face like a pig’s arse! So, which is it?”
“As a matter of fact Crusty it’s a mixture of both, now stop moidering about it!”
“Anyway Bel, why did ya come here? Ya told me to bog off earlier when I phoned ya an’a really needed to talk.”
“Wor’about?”
“Well it dun’t matter now bur’it were important before I went to’t Plantations.”
“Well I came to say tharram sorry about trying to kebab ya last night when I tried to shove me broomstick up yer arse. I didn’t mean it! Ya must know that.”
“No Bel, how would I know that? If ya say yer going to take a few slices off me arse and eat me crusticles I believe ya. Why wouldn’t I?”
“Well I’m nor’a bluddy cannibal for a start, that’s why ya daft looking bugger! In any case I shouldn’t imagine they’d be too tasteyful seeing as where they’ve come from. I was just angry with you again, that’s all.”
“Oh.”
“Listen Crusty. I have a proposition to make to you.”
“Oh, oh! I see!” he said knowingly, his head bobbing up and down.
“Wot d’ya see?”
“Oh I see alright! Ya’ve gor’a proposition to make have ya? Ya wants to marry me now, don’t ya? After all wot ya said before when we were on’t boat an’a …”
She looked at him in disbelief. He was twittering on and on about them getting married.
“Stop rabbiting on ya soft sod. I didn’t say I wanted to propose, I said I wanted to make a proposition. Why in God’s name would I want to marry a smelly owd fart face like thee? No Crusty. There’s a special offer tharra spotted in the newspaper for a long weekend at a health farm. The only drawback is thar’it’s for couples an’a wondered if ya’d like to go with me. We’d have to pretend we’re married though. Wot d’ya think?”
Crusty was grinning, nodding and clapping hands.
“Does that mean we’d have to sleep together, Bel,” he covered his mouth tittering.
She rolled up her eyes.
Slap!
“It means that there’ll be twin beds and we’ll have to share the same room, that’s all. Bur’if you so much as pur’a finger on me ya know wot ya’ll get,” she said sticking a fist in his face.
“Oh! Okay then, Bel. I’ll do it for you,” he said grinning, with his tongue hanging out like a big soft lad.
She slapped him across the back and he dropped to the floor again.
“Good man!” she boomed, “I knew I could count on you.”
“When do we go Bel?” asked Crusty, picking himself up.
“This weekend! I’ve already booked it so it’s a bluddy good job ya said ya’d come or I’d’ve lamped ya one.”
Friday morning arrived and, bags packed, they were now in Bel’s car driving down to Wiltshire where the health farm was. Crusty had packed his carrier bags and Bel’s cases neatly into the boot of the car. He’d made a point that he wanted to do something to help, so Bel let him do that little job for her. She’d been somewhat suspicious watching him though. He usually let her do everything!
She’d warned him beforehand that he had to be scrupulously clean and only take CLEAN clothes with him. Anything that didn’t smell clean was to stay behind. Problem was that Crusty couldn’t tell the difference so he just kept his fingers crossed that they’d be okay. Anyway, he’d agreed and had carefully packed his carrier bags the night before making double sure that everything was as per Bel’s instructions as he didn’t want to upset her yet again.
When they arrived, Crusty was really excited and the first thing he wanted to do when they got into the place was go for a pee.
“Bel, Bel I need another pee, again!”
Nothing unusual in that!
“Well get gone and come back to this very spot when ya’ve finished. No running round on yer own gerrin into bother!”
“Okay Bel!”
At the entrance desk Crustabel was just giving their details when Crusty came scuttling back and screeched to a halt at Bel’s side. The pretty receptionist handed Bel some keys and smiled brightly.
“Right there you go Mr and Mrs Nibbleswick. I hope you have a pleasant stay.”
Crusty started tittering again. Mr and Mrs Nibbleswick! He liked the sound of that. Bel jabbed him in the back with a sharp finger to shut him up.
“Ouch!”
They were then escorted to their room by a big chap in a white coat who told them what the itinerary would be during their stay.
“There’s a swimming pool, gymnasium, sauna, Turkish baths, mud baths.”
Crusty screeched to a halt again.
“SWIMMING POOL! BATHS! BUT THERE’S WATTER IN THEM IN’T THERE?”
“Yes, that’s right sir. Is there a problem?”
“Am nor’interested in anything to do wi’ watter. I’ve had a special shower to come here an’a went to all that trouble of de-fluffing me soap again, so I’ll not be needing owt to do wi’ watter!”
The attendant left them at their room, totally mystified.
Once they’d unpacked they both put on some sportswear with swimwear underneath (if you can call it that) and made their way back downstairs again. Bel had made Crusty change in the adjoining bathroom and told him that that’s the way it would be during their stay here.
“Well Crusty, where shall we start owd lad?”
“Dunno. Is there somewhere we can go for a feed?”
Another person in a white coat came over to them.
“Ah, Mr and Mrs Nibbleswick? You’re on my list during your stay here. My name’s Denise and I’ll be taking care of your needs. Now then, the first thing we have to do is weigh you both and then you can get into the swimming pool to relax for half an hour!”
Crusty smirked, confident that they couldn’t make him get into the pool.
“Oh it’s alright luv. A cawn’t swim. I’ll just sit and watch Bel. Me missus!” he grinned.
“Oh don’t worry about not being able to swim Mr Nibbleswick. There’s a shallow end. You just sit in there and hold onto the sides. The water’s lovely and warm and I promise no one will let you drown.”
“Am not worried about drowning. I’m worried about gerrin wet!” he moaned.
Crustabel gave him a withering look that he’d seen before. It was an “I’ll bluddy well kill you if you show me up again” look.
Tentatively, he stuck a toe in, then a foot followed slowly, then an ankle. It took him ten minutes to get himself in up to the waist. He stood there with his arms folded across his belly, sulking.
A few, fitter looking people, had noticed him trying to take up as much time as he could getting in, and had commented that they’d seen a better pair of legs dangling out of a nest!
He did look bloody comical. He didn’t have any swimming trunks but instead wore an old pair of shorts, circa nineteen fifty-eight! They favvered Stanley Matthews’ old football shorts which came down to his knees and stuck out about two feet on each side like a kite, skinny little white pimply legs sticking out, bally hanging over the top and he was wearing a pair of flip-flops, a string vest and rubber shower cap with big white daisies on. The cap had been Soreen’s. Horrible sight it was.
On the other hand, Crustabel was enjoying herself splashing round the pool in her whale size costume. She’d elected to step into the water rather than dive in. If she’d done that she’d have cleared it of water and the other swimmers. She favvered the Loch Ness Monster churning through the water, causing a wake that would have rivalled that of a battleship. Graceful she was not but she was a powerful swimmer, there was no doubt.
After half an hour had elapsed they were all told to come out of the pool. Crusty was first out rubbing himself down with his crummy towel. They were told to return to their rooms or walk around the grounds to relax for an hour before lunch. Crusty got changed into his jogging pants, smelly almost white socks, plastic pumps and a nondescript tee shirt that had never seen an iron. He also had his bicycle clips clamped around his legs!
“Am bluddy hungry Bel. I’m ready for some snap!” he said.
“Yer always bluddy hungry,” she retorted.
She was having a little smile as she had mentally prepared herself for the small amount of food that would be on offer during their stay here. She had accidentally forgotten to mention this to Crusty though so was eagerly awaiting his reaction when their lunch was brought to them.
They set off for the Dining Room, arms linked. Crusty liked this. He was with his Crustabel. His missus Crustabel! They seated themselves and passed a few pleasantries with the other guests. It was a very lovely place set in rural Wiltshire just on the edge of Salisbury Plain and not far from Avebury and Stonehenge. Bel promised to take Crusty to both sets of stone circles before leaving on Monday afternoon.
The soup arrived and was put before them. Crusty looked down at his in astonishment. It was clear chicken soup with invisible chicken and there were approximately ten teaspoonfuls in each of their bowls!
Crustabel picked up her spoon and made a start.
“But where’s me buttered bun?” said Crusty, wailing again loudly. “They’ve not fetched us any buns to dip in the soup Bel!”
“Shsssh! No bun Crusty. In fact I doubt ya’ll see any bread at all while we’re here!”
“No bread! Wot sort of an 'oliday resort do they call this?”
“I told you Crusty, it’s a health farm. You do everything healthy here, including eating healthy foods.”
“Bur’it’s nor’ealthy nor’avin’ any bread!” he moaned loudly. “Bread is the staff of life Bel so it can’t be unhealthy! Even God ett bread Bel!”
“Will ya stop bluddy whining and eat wot yer given!”
A few people turned round but most of them had seen this kind of reaction before so just grinned and ignored them.
He slurped his soup down. Ten seconds and it was gone.
“Wot’s next Bel?” asked poor Crusty, afraid of what he might be given for his next course.
“I dunno. We’ll just have to wait and see.” she replied.
It was nearly half an hour later before the main course came, and by now Crusty’s belly was doing one of its famous war dances. It was making a rumbling and gurgling sound that everybody in the room could hear.
Blobble, plopple!
“Stop making that bluddy horrible noise with yer bally!”
“I cawn’t help it Bel. Am bluddy hungry!”
The main course was put down before them and Bel picked up her knife and fork, no expression showing at all on her face. Crusty’s face was contorted. It was turning all shapes and colours.
The plate itself was a little larger than a side plate and on it was a lettuce leaf, some shredded carrot, shredded cabbage and a piece of fish the size of a fifty pence piece!
“Wot the hell do they call this?” said Crusty angrily, picking up the lettuce leaf.
“Shurrup and eat yer lunch and will ya stop that bluddy moaning! Why do you always find it necessary to pick the food up in your fingers off yer plate? Have ya forgotten wor’appened when ya did that in the Indian Restaurant a few years ago?”
“No Bel. I’ll never forget that for’t rest of me days!”
Bel was getting really fed up of him by now but it wasn’t unexpected.
“Well behave then.”
“Bel. Ya’ve brought me here to punish me agen haven’t ya, like ya did with the Indian restaurant? Do you want to see me starve to death?”
“Crusty! Unless you hadn’t already noticed, I’ve been given exactly the same as you and so has everybody else and there’s only you bluddy-well wailing. This is not another punishment!”
“Well it feels like one. There’s more food left over that’s come off me plate into me slop stone at home when I’ve finished washing up than there is here!”
Eventually he stopped babbling and ate the little bit of food on his plate, which took him all of five minutes.
“Mmmmm! That was delicious. Most tasteyful!” said Crustabel smacking her chops loudly.
“Tasteyful!! There weren’t enough grub there’t manufacture a decent fart! If they’d given me a barm cake I could’ve made a butty out o’ wot were on me plate! Is there owt else Bel?”
“Probably some dessert. Stop wailing and stop panicking!”
Another half hour went by allowing the food that they’d eaten to digest properly.
When their sweet came all there was, was three little balls of ice cream about the size of melon balls!
“I’m nor’ayeting that Bel! I remember wor’appened last time I had ice cream when we were in Skoffenburg. Nasty buggers put pepper in it!”
“We’re nor’in Skoffenburg Crusty. It’s just ordinary plain ice cream. I promise.”
“Promise Bel?”
“Promise, now eat it up.”
He scooped it all onto his dessertspoon and downed it in one mouthful.
Poor Crusty was so hungry his eyeballs were bulging out and he was slavvering like an old dog.
“Do we ger’owt else Bel?”
“No, that’s it. Come on, we’ll see wot’s next on the agenda.”
Dutifully he trotted behind her, belly a-rumble, and followed her into another room that was very steamy.
“Wot sort of a place is this that we’re in now Bel?”
He was fed up already and they’d only been there about four hours! He’d been wet more times than he usually gets wet in three months at home!
“These are the saunas Crusty. Come on you’ll love these!”
He didn’t!
He moaned about the wrinkly skin it gave him as he’d never been in water so long before in his entire life, and he thought he was decomposing!
Later on that day when it was time for tea Crusty and Bel were just about to walk through the doors of the Dining Room again when he stopped suddenly and turned round.
“Where are you goin’ now?”
“Not be a minute Bel, I just want to nip back upstairs to our room for summat I forgot to bring wi’ me.”
He came back down ten minutes later grinning his head off.
“Wot’s thy bluddy grinning at?” she asked him.
“Oh nowt Bel. Am just looking forward to me tea, that’s all.”
Their evening meal was very much the same as lunch. Clear soup for starters then another lettuce leaf, cooked carrot, cooked cabbage and one slice of thin beef with a drizzle of gravy on top. Then ice cream again.
“Bel! D’ya think they’ve gor’a proper cook here? I mean, they only seem’t be able to do the same thing and there’s always lettuce leaves. Havva started looking like a rabbit yet?” he said twitching his nose in the air on purpose and tittering.
“Tha’ rabbits on all’t time, I know that much.” she said punching him one between the shoulders.
When he’d finished he sat back and patted his stomach!
“Most tasteyful,” he said.
Bel almost fell of her chair in astonishment.
Over the next couple of days they tried everything on the agenda, including the Turkish baths, which Crusty didn’t like either. The mud baths he did enjoy immensely because he got nasty but when he got out he moaned again when he had to shower off.
At one stage he disappeared again. She was sick and tired of having to go looking for him and this time she found him in the gymnasium with a crowd gathered round him laughing.
“Wot the bluddy hell are ya doin’ in here ya daft owd bugger?” she’d said.
“Nowt Bel!”
He’d been trying to show off using a chest expander, without much luck. He’d managed to stretch it about a quarter of an inch and when he’d let go it had grabbed the OBJ. Being weak and puny he hadn’t been able to stretch it open again and he’d been standing there with the expander dangling from the OBJ while everybody just stood round laughing.
Bel had gone up to him and with a mighty heave she’d stretched the chest expander to its fullest capacity to free him, then turned around and stared at the people who had been mocking him instead of helping him. On seeing her gargantuan strength they all turned and fled.
He pretty much behaved himself after that and, funnily enough, he never complained about the food again, or lack of it. Crustabel thought this was extremely strange but at least he’d stopped moaning. Perhaps he was even getting used to it!
On Monday morning just as they were about to go for their last breakfast, they had to go through a few more formalities. They were again taken to the Weighing Room and Bel was chuffed to little mint balls. She’d lost half a stone. Brilliant! Next to be weighed was Crusty. He got on and the lady did the thing with the weights again. That’s funny. She made him get off then started all over again telling him to keep still this time. She weighed him a second time. He’d gained a stone!
She was totally perplexed.
“No! This can’t possibly be right.”
She did it twice more but it was right, Crusty had gained one stone exactly.
They were then allowed passage to the Dining Room and at the door Crusty stopped and apologised to Bel.
“Oh hecky pecky! Sorry Bel, I need to go for another pee again. I’ll join you in a minute!”
“Drain the main vein again!!” she giggled.
He tittered back.
Hecky pecky! He didn’t usually come out with that expression unless he was up to something really bad. He’d made some excuse nearly every mealtime so this time she decided to sneak after him to see what he was up to.
He climbed the stairs up to the floor where their room was, opened the door and went inside, not quite closing it properly. On his hands and knees he delved into the back of the wardrobe he’d been using and brought out a carrier bag.
She was watching him through a crack in the door with one eye.
When he turned slightly to the side she could see that he had two fists full of butties and barm cakes and was stuffing them greedily into his mouth. He couldn’t swallow fast enough before he bit into them again.
“Mnyam, mnyam, mnyam. Hanch, snort, gulp, grumph!”
She sneaked up behind him silently. He had no idea she was there. From behind she bounded onto the bed and grabbed him in a half nelson and started choking him.
“Caught ya, ya bluddy owd fart! I knew ya were up to summat when ya stopped moaning about being bluddy hungry. I’ve getten thi’ now!”
Paaarp, brrrip, blobble!
“Mercy! Don’t hit me Bel, please don’t paste me again!” he pleaded with tears in his eyes.
“Phew! Tha’ stinks again! I’ll think about it,” she said as she tightened her grip round his throat.
She hoisted him off the bed and shoved him in the back all the way downstairs for their last breakfast.
As she frog-marched him into the Dining Room the other guests were just making a start on their breakfast of orange juice, muesli (Crusty called it bits of cardboard), dry toast and tea. They noticed that Crusty was looking decidedly uncomfortable with a terrified look on his face. They also noticed that Bel was extremely jolly this morning with a big happy smile on her face.
What they didn’t know was that poor Crusty had already been half choked and was going to be punished for yet more wrong-doing!
© Mollie M
29.10.01
That was a good one 
Poor Crusty, I can empathise with him about the ‘rabbit food’ though. How did he know that he’d need those butties?
On second thoughts, he probably always has a stash of them on him.
Indeed he does, as does Bel normally, but she was trying to play fair and not take any with her this time.
He’s a bad lad.
Another good chapter Mollie. Wonder what Crusty sees in his Bel though as all she does is smack and wallop him all the time. Am surprised he’s still in one piece :)
He absolutely adores her Marian but, on the other hand, what does she see in him? She never actually hurts him to any great degree.
One thing is for certain sure, they do have a wonderful life together, which lasts for many years. 
[B][CENTER]39
Shtuck in Shtonehenge
(Shilly Old Shaushage!)[/CENTER][/B]
After she’d caught him out with his stash of secreted food that he’d been guzzling at the health farm, and before they’d gone back down to breakfast, she’d been holding him in the half nelson and had grabbed the carrier bag full of butties off him, which he had at his side.
Eventually she let him go and reprimanded him severely.
“Ya rotten owd sod! Ya’ve had this stash here all this time and ya didn’t ler’on!”
He rubbed his neck where she’d almost strangled him and started wailing.
“Well I always tek pies and butties wi’ me Bel when I go anywhere, ya knows that. I thowt you’d’ve brought yer usual carrier bag full as well. I didn’t know they were going to starve us half to deeth. It’s like Stalag 13 this place!”
“This is a health farm! The whole bluddy point in coming was for us both to lose a bit o’ weight and I’ve stuck with it through thick and thin while thy’s been stuffin’ thi’ gob wi’ all sorts. No bluddy wonder ya wanted to pur’all’t tranklements in me boot! Ya didn’t want me’t see yer stash!”
Crusty was getting really worried now.
“Just as a matter of interest, are ya going to paste me again Bel?” he asked woefully.
“No not this time! Yer lucky I’m in such a good mood.”
Relief was written all over his face.
“Provided …”
“Provided wot Bel?”
“Provided ya shares wot’s left of it all wi’ me, otherwise I’ll shove ya in one o’ them saunas again until ya comes out wi’ more wrinkles than an elephant’s arse!”
“Oh no you don’t Bel! I’m the cleanest now I’ve ever been in me whole life. In fact, thanks to you, I don’t think I’ll ever need another wash ever again!”
She punched him one in his cauliflower ear then started eating his butties. They sat on the bed and munched their way through the few days old pies and butties that he’d made before their journey. Because he’d wrapped them so well, they were still remarkably fresh.
“Ya never knows when they might come in handy,” Crusty had thought when making them, and in this case he was right.
“I’m glad I lost half a stone though,” she said stuffing her face greedily and quickly gaining it again.
They finished off all the food then started to make a move, bags in hand, down for their final breakfast.
“Right Crusty,” she said once they’d finished, “How about a little side trip to see the stone circles?”
“Oh yis please Bel. I’ve heard of 'em and everything burrave never seen 'em in real life.”
He was doing everything he could to please her now and trying to keep out of mischief. He’d been lucky that she hadn’t pasted him this time. Even he admitted he would have deserved it for keeping the food stashed away without telling her.
After saying their goodbyes they got into the car and she drove the fifteen miles or so to Stonehenge and, once there, pulled into a parking place and stopped the car. Unfortunately, in those times of vandalism, Stonehenge was fenced off with metal criss-cross wire fencing to stop vandals spraying graffiti on the magnificent stone structures.
Over four thousand years they’d stood there in all their glory and without assault, until the late seventies and eighties when mindless thugs started to try to hack bits off for souvenirs, and even more mindless low life spraying things like “ANDY LUVS KAZA” and “DANNY WUZ HERE” on them. It had cost a fortune to have them restored and fenced off.
Bel and Crusty separated, strolling off in different directions, each of them lost in their own thoughts and admiration for the history surrounding this ancient place. She couldn’t think of anything he could possibly get into mischief with here!
He stuck his face as close as he could to the metal fence to look at the beauty of the stones. Bel had told him that it was believed that they’d been built for sun worshippers and that originally, it was thought to be a huge temple or church. Some of those big stones on the very top were about five hundred tons in weight she’d told him! He wondered how they’d managed to do that without a crane or other lifting tackle!
How indeed?
He suddenly spotted a squirrel darting about and bent down a little to see if he could get a better view. He pushed his face right up to the fence and was enjoying its antics until he heard Bel calling to him so he pulled away.
I’ll re-phrase that. He tried to pull away.
“Crusty come over here. I want to show you something!” called Bel.
He started struggling but couldn’t budge a millimetre.
“Crusty! Wot the hell are y’up to this time?” called Bel, getting impatient.
She would love to have had a fiver for every time she’d said that.
“Nothing Bel, jusht coming!”
Hey up! Why was he talking funny again? Try as he might he couldn’t move. He started to panic.
“BEL, BEL, HELP ME BEL!”
She trundled back over to where he stood.
“Now wot? Wot’s the matter with ya now? Worra ya doin’?”
She carried on walking toward him. From a distance he looked perfectly normal just standing there and bending down to look at something through the criss-cross metal fence, and at the beautiful stones before him.
“Crusty - answer me!” she shouted, still on her way.
“I cawn’t move Bel, I cawn’t move. Get shome help Bel, pleashe!”
“Wot sort of help d’ya need now ya daft owd duffer? Wor’ave ya done this time?”
He was once again drawing attention to himself and a little crowd began to form nearby. When they could see what was wrong they started pointing and laughing.
Poor old Crustykins!
“Am shtuck an’a cawn’t move,” he yelled back.
She was dumfounded. What could he be stuck on? Perhaps he’d caught the Old Blue Jumper on the fence. As she got right up to him she could see what the problem was and started laughing at him along with his audience. He was bent down at about ninety degrees, arse sticking out and his big, fleshy, bulbous nose well and truly stuck in the fence!!
“Wot the bluddy hell? I can’t believe this ya daft owd sack o’ crap!”
“Pleashe Bel help me,” he cried sorrowfully.
He knew he’d cop it again once he’d been extricated. She tried pulling him from behind but couldn’t release him so she bent down and whispered into his ear,
“I’ll bluddy kill ya for this.”
Then, standing up, she spoke again in a normal voice, chuckling.
“Hang on Crusty old lad, I’ll have to go and see if there’s anyone can help you. Stay there!”
There was nowhere he could go!
She went over the road to where there was a little hut and inside found the Park Ranger. It had been a quiet day for him so he was spending a little time getting himself ready for his date that night. He’d just finished plucking his eyebrows and was painting his nails a fluorescent pink when Bel came bursting through the doors! She told him that Crusty’s nose was stuck in the fence and could he please assist.
“Oops, smudged me nails! Ooooh deary me sweetheart, that does sound an incy wincy bit painful. Of course I’ll help duckie. Show me the way! Me name’s Justin by the way! How DO you do?”
“How do you do, they call me Bel. I have a cousin by the name of Justin!”
“Ooooh! Is he - you know - so, so, like me?”
“No, no, he’s not so, so. He’s the Detective Chief Superintendent for Lancashire!”
“Oh!” said the disappointed Justin, “Never mind sweets! We all have our cross to bear!!”
The young man, who was only slightly built, minced along at the side of Bel. They favvered Little and Large. Crusty was getting desperate for a pee again and was shuffling from one smelly foot to the other.
As they reached Crusty, the Ranger saw the problem
“Ooooh, helloooo sweetheart! What do we have here?”
He was trying not to laugh and gave Crusty’s shoulder a friendly little push.
“Now then! What sort of mischief have you got yourself into sweetie pops?”
Sweetie pops?
“Me noshe ish shtuck.” came the obvious reply.
Justin put one arm round Crusty’s shoulders and, tentatively, one hand on his bum from behind and tried gently pulling away but he wasn’t shifting.
“Oooooh, mmmmm, this is cosy isn’t it sweet buns?”
Sweet buns?
Crustabel, feeling completely embarrassed and foolish, spoke to the Ranger, taking him to one side.
“I’ll tell you what lad. Let me round the other side of this fence and I’ll show you how to get him out!”
“No, pleashe no! Don’t let her round the other shide,” pleaded Crusty, eyes watering at what she might do.
“Why sweetie, whatever’s to do?”
“She’ll get me noshe out of this fenche by kicking me in me crushticles again, pleashe don’t let her!”
Bel guffawed loudly.
“No I won’t Crusty. Don’t be such a silly old chap! No! Ha, ha! What a silly man. All I’ll need to do is borrow a mallet off this nice young man, give your schnoz a quick wallop and croquet you out of there!”
Justin started tittering and examined his nails.
“Pleashe mishter don’t let her, she meansh it, she’sh not joking. I wish I could jusht shit down for a bit!”
The Ranger re-arranged himself more closely behind Crusty.
“Of course she’s only joking angel cakes. A fine lady like this wouldn’t do such a nasty thing to a little sweetie pie like you!”
Angel cakes! Sweetie pie! Who was this fool?
Crusty couldn’t see this person, who was now too close for comfort behind him, and Crusty was beginning to panic.
“I’m Justin by the way! I’ll help you best I can sweetie but I must say I’ve completely ruined me nails!”
“I don’t care who y’are shoft lad! Ger’off me! I know wot you are!” he said scared stiff.
Poor Crusty didn’t know which one of them he was more scared of! Justin or Crustabel!
“Oooooooh. We are a cheeky boy aren’t we? Now, come on luvvie, I’m going to get right up behind you and give you a good pulling!”
“Get yer bluddy handsh off me arshe! CRUSHTABEL get thish bluddy fool away from me pleashe!! Help me pleashe!”
Crustabel was killing herself laughing.
“Oooh we are an old fuss-pot aren’t we? Hush now I’m only trying to help!”
The young man backed away from Crusty grinning, him still with his nose really jammed in the fence. They both stood looking at him for a few more minutes trying to think.
Justin suddenly had an idea and turned to Bel.
“Well luvvie, the only thing we can do sweetie is to phone for those lovely big strong boys from the Fire Brigade. Ooooh I love seeing them in their uniforms. Big macho things they are. I’ll just pop off and phone them. Won’t be a tick luvvie!”
He minced off again and made the phone call and five minutes later he was back.
While they waited for the emergency services, a car swished up and a person got out of it wearing vividly colourful clothes and waved at Justin.
“Yoo hoo. Helloooo sweetie pops! Justin hellooo angel!”
Crusty was terrified. Oh no! Not another one!
He trotted over and Justin turned to his friend. Mwah, mwah, they went to each other’s cheeks.
“Hello darling, I didn’t expect to see you till later. Let me do the introductions sweetie. Everybody this is Julian, my friend! Jules sweetie this is Bel and this sweet angel here with his nose stuck is Crusty. I’ve been trying to get him out but can’t manage it.”
“Oooooh, that’s such a shame. D’ya think I should try sweetheart? I’m a little stronger. Look, just look at these muscles. Aren’t they gorgeous?”
“Mmmmm gorgeous,” said Justin feeling them. “Well perhaps if we both gave him a hug, I mean a tug, we may be able to un-stick him what d’ya think?”
“Mmmmm! Pr’aps.”
“NO, NO, NO, PLEASHE BEL, HELP BEL! DON’T LET THESHE TWO SHOFT LADSH NEAR ME, PLEASHE BEL!”
Bel was still killing herself laughing.
Just then an ambulance came, then the fire engine arrived a minute after and the crew jumped out. Wiltshire’s finest. The fire crew went to see what the problem was. The Leading Fireman and the others went into bulk laughing. They’d seen many daft things. Toes stuck up bath taps, kids with potties stuck to their heads, hands stuck in piggy banks. They’d seen just about everything. Except that they’d never seen a Crusty with his big nose stuck in a fence!!
The fire and ambulance crews were wailing laughing.
Justin fluttered his eyes at the Leading Fireman.
So did Julian.
Bel was fuming.
Crusty wanted a pee.
The Leading Fireman then got serious and took charge.
“Right! Let’s take a look old boy and see if we can get you out of there.”
Justin and Julian stood to one side holding hands and watched the firemen. They tried the same as Justin had except that instead of feeling as if he was being given a hug the firemen gave him more of a gentle tug by holding onto his head and chin from behind.
“Ouch,” yelled Crusty.
It wouldn’t budge.
The fire officer shouted for one of the others to get some wire cutters. That was the only way they were going to free him. The wire cutters arrived but because Crusty’s nose was so big it and it was jammed tightly in the diamond shaped criss-cross of the fencing, they couldn’t get the cutters between his nose and the wire.
“Hacksaw!”
Crusty’s eyes bulged out with fear and he started sweating. Were they going to cut his nose off?
“Bel? Bel are you shtill there or have ya gone wom?”
"No Crusty, I’m still here. Don’t worry! These lads know what they’re about. They’ll get you free in no time.
“Bel, Bel I didn’t mean’t ger’into mischief again Bel, honesht I didn’t. I think they’re goin’t cut me schnoz off. Are you goin’t paste me for showing y’up again?”
“I’m thinking about it,” she said darkly.
The fire officers who were closest heard this conversation, looked at each other worried and then grinned. Nah, they’re only messing about!!
“Am bluddy hungry Bel. Have ya gor’any buttiesh?”
“You’re always bloody hungry. I haven’t got any food on me. You know I haven’t as we ate everything from your carrier bags back at the health farm. How can you possibly think about eating at a time like this? Anyway, even if I had, how would I be expected to feed you in this state?”
“Oh yesh, that’sh a point, shorry Bel!”
“So am I! I’m bloody hungry too! In fact I think I’ll pop over to the little cafe across the road for something to eat.”
“Bel, Bel, don’t leave me Bel, pleashe don’t leave me!”
“Oh alright then! I’ll wait till they’ve wrenched you free. You know Crusty they may have to pull you out and leave your nose behind!”
Aaaargh!
“Bel, Bel! Why’re ya talkin’ posh Bel?”
“Belt up!”
They couldn’t use the hacksaw either.
Bel suggested the mallet again to the Leading Fireman this time. He shook his head with a grin KNOWING she was only joking. Wasn’t she?
“Just a thought,” she said.
“Oxyacetylene tanks please.”
“Eh? Ya’ll melt me schneck end off wi’ that!”
“Stop bloody moaning Crusty. What does it matter if they melt your piggy little snout off?”
“How will I shmell if they melt me noshe off.”
“Just as bad as ever I don’t doubt,” replied Bel, tittering.
“Has anybody got a nice flowery smelling aerosol?” shouted the Leading Fireman.
Crusty was puzzled - situation normal.
“Why an arsherhole? Will that be helpful?”
“Not to get your nose out sir, we want to spray you with it! You don’t 'arf whiff!”
“Oh!”
“Don’t worry sir. I must admit we’ve never seen this happen before but we’ll think of something.”
He leaned closer and whispered in Crusty’s ear.
“If you still need to use the toilet sir I suggest you do so here. We could be a while yet.”
Crusty’s eyes were now watering with the pain of holding it. It was difficult crossing his legs while he was standing in that position and he whispered back to the fire officer
“Burra cawn’t. I cawn’t find Mishter Floppy unlesh I’m looking in’t mirror for him! It’sh becaushe of me bally!” he confided.
The officer rolled his eyes up and replied sarcastically.
“Well you must have some idea where it’s generally located sir. Have a mooch around until you find it. Now stop bloody moaning and let us get on with our job!”
“He’s always bloody moaning,” said Bel from behind.
As they’d been there quite a while, the crowd had grown larger and had gathered around to watch. Fortunately, by now, Crusty had managed to relieve himself. Aaah, luxury! He’d got lucky and found Mister Floppy first time for once.
There were fire officers on both sides of the fence who had covered his embarrassment. Some of them were trying to pull him back and others trying to shove his nose back through. Poor old Crusty’s conk was taking a right battering.
Bel was becoming bored. She could have had him out ages ago if they’d let her!
A lady who had been standing watching the merriment from the very beginning went up to the Leading Fireman and produced something from her shopping bag and handed it to him.
He looked at the product he’d been given.
“Ah, an excellent idea! Thank you madam!”
He lobbed the object over the fence to where his other officers were trying to stuff Crusty’s nose back through the tight fence.
One of them got out some of the contents into his hand and smeared it all over Crusty’s hooter. It was margarine! With a bit of to-ing and fro-ing they finally managed to free him. He slipped out slick and staggered backwards, the fire officers catching him.
His nose was vivid crimson and bore a deep purple ridge all the way around where the metal had gripped him for so long. He hopped about now holding his poor old painful beak, which had swollen up. He favvered Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer!
He thanked the fire crew but declined a ride in the ambulance to the hospital to have his nose checked. He was alright, he said. All he wanted to do now was stick it in a bowl of ice cold water as he had done with many other parts of his anatomy over the last few years! And he was bloody hungry, so Bel took him across the road to the little cafe for some nosh! Everybody was patting him on the back and making a fuss of him. He loved a lot of attention.
When they finished they got up to go and once again thanked everyone still there for their kindness. Crustabel gave him a shove in the back toward her parked car.
Crusty waved to the nice firemen and the ambulance crew.
Justin waved to the nice firemen too and blew a kiss at the Leading Fireman!
So did Julian!
Crusty waved to Justin.
Justin waved to Crusty.
Bel turned round and punched him in the shoulder, reverting back to a Wigan accent, something she rarely used unless she was with Crusty or other broadly spoken people.
“Ger’in that bluddy car will ya and stop messing about. Ya’ve wasted enough time for one day!”
“Bel?”
“Now wot?”
“Have ya decided on me punishment yet?”
“Not yet. Bur’it’s a long drive home Crusty. I’ve plenty o’ time to think o’ summat for ya. I’ll try to make it a bit special so as ya don’t get bored with the same old punishment all the time!”
“Okay Bel, thanks!”
© Mollie M
30.10.01
Just caught up with Crusty for I won’t be around this evening.
Whatever will he get up to next!?
You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.
That was really hilarious Mollie (chap.38), I can see why it’s one of your favourites, packed with laughs.
I was just thinking (that’s my problem… thinking), a writers frame of mind at the time of putting pen to paper must play a big part in his/her output, say the same as a Judge in court, if the judge is in bad humour or his house was burgled the night before, then God help the housebreaker who stands before him. If the writer is in good humour and happy it will reflect in the writing, is that so?, human nature being human nature after all. I do know however, if I had a row with the wife, I would make a good job of writing the shower scene in ‘Psycho’.
Thanks Jem. Did you read Chapters 37 and 39 as well yet?
To be honest, I’ve never analysed my own frame of mind when I was writing these stories. I’ve always had a madcap sense of humour, but I will tell you this much.
Both characters are based on people I’ve actually known in real life, and right at the beginning, I wondered where it would lead if they’d ever been put together, which didn’t bear thinking about.
My first effort was just four pages and I showed it to some friends who thought it was hilarious, so I did another few pages, and from there Crusty and Bel were born. Once I started I couldn’t stop as my imagination ran riot.
Chapter 40 coming up a bit later.
[B][CENTER]40
Bel Works Out Crusty’s True Ancestry
(and A New Punishment!)[/CENTER][/B]
Back home again from Wiltshire they were both ravenous. At the start of their journey she’d told Crusty that, once back in Wigan, she was taking him back to her house first.
“I’m goin’t cook us a bluddy belting meal before I take ya wom lad!”
“That’sh shmashing, Bel! Worra ya goin’t cook for me?”
“Oh! I dunno yet. I’ll see wor’ave got when we get there. I just thought that after the weekend hysteria we could sit down and eat a nourishing meal together like two civilised human beings!!”
“Okay! I love your cooking Bel. Don’t you have any idea wot we’ll have?”
“I told you. I don’t know yet! Stop moidering me while I’m driving.”
“I only wanted a rough idea Bel sho tharra can look forward to it. Ya musht know wot ya’ve gor’in yer cupboards.”
He grinned his head off knowing she was getting pigged off with him. He didn’t half live dangerously, but that was nothing compared to what he was going to get up to, which you will find out in later chapters!
She was totally exasperated with him again.
“Oh yes! I know wor’ave got. We’ll start off wi’ donkey cakes and buns and then for our main meal we’ll have liver and arseholes. Okay lad?”
“Mmmmm. Deeee-lish! Shoundsh mosht tashteyful Bel. I don’t think I’ve ever had that before! Worra donkey cakesh and bunsh?”
She rolled her eyes up and that had shut him up for the time being. She left him wondering what donkey cakes and buns were! He didn’t question liver and arseholes!!
Thinking of the food to come he was quiet most of the way home just enjoying the beautiful countryside and every now and again nodded off. It was so peaceful for a change.
In between nods he’d pick up his colouring book and crayons that Bel had bought as an added incentive to keep him quiet, and right now he was colouring in the rest of a chicken which already had a purple head, green body and orange feet.
She was taking the pretty route so that Crusty would get fed up, go to sleep properly and leave her to concentrate on her driving. Through Wiltshire over Salisbury Plain, a corner of rural Hampshire, Hereford and Worcester they went and then when she got to the Birmingham area she joined the M5 and M6 up to Wigan.
Once on the motorway Crusty fell fast asleep. She’d been fed up of him bouncing up and down saying “Look, Bel, Look” every now and again pointing at cows and sheep. She was able to put her foot down, the big car eating up the miles effortlessly. Crusty didn’t like to go fast as it made him feel sick but he was snorting his head off at the side of her now doing pig imitations.
Which reminded her! She thought about the question he’d posed a few days ago. Which did he favver most? A pig’s arse or a chimp? That was a toughie so she decided to make a list when she got home.
When they arrived she roused Crusty from his four hundred and forty winks.
“Come on then Crusty owd fettler. We’re wom!”
“Mmmmmph. Wosshup? Oh are we here Bel? Ish it feeding time?” he beamed.
That was always the first thing he thought of when he woke up but at least he was speaking properly again now, more or less, that the swelling in his nose had gone down a little.
“Yes! Feeding time at the bluddy Zoo as usual!” she sighed.
“Don’t mention Zoosh Bel, pleashe!!”
“Ooops! Sorry Crusty. Just for a moment there I’d forgotten. Hey! D’ya remember the other day when ya asked me if ya favvered a chimp or a pig’s arse?”
“Yes Bel. Wor’about it?”
“Well I’ve been doing some thinking. Just to clarify matters I’ll draw you up a list later so ya can study it. Then you can decide which one you look most like. Okay?”
“Oh that is a good idea Bel. Thanks very much!”
Talk about a loony pop!
She went into her huge kitchen and started rattling around with pots and pans. In just a little while the smell of something wonderful cooking hit Crusty’s big nose. The incident in Stonehenge hadn’t taken away his sense of smell. He could still smell food!
They ate their meal hungrily. They were fair golloping it down!
“This is delicious Bel. Worisit?”
“Liver and arseholes like I told ya!”
It was liver casserole.
“Where’s the donkey cakes and buns that you promised Bel?”
“Well I decided against bothering seeing as we’ve enough wi’ this liver!”
“Daft sod!” she thought silently.
“Mmmm well it’s … erm … delicious Bel,” he said putting down his knife and fork, “Burrave jusht realised tharram not very hungry after all.”
“Why wot’s up wi’ ya now? Ya were gollopin’ it back a minute ago. Ya said ya were bluddy hungry an’a know wot you mean when ya say that!”
“Well, ya told me ya weren’t a cannibal so who’s arser’ole is this in here then?” he asked pointing at the cooking pot?"
“I didn’t say arserhole ya deef owd fart. I said casserole!”
She hadn’t said that at all. She was just winding him up for a change!
“Oh,” he grinned picking up the knife and fork again, “Sorry Bel. Must ger’a new battery for me hearing aid.”
She smirked!
“How’s yer nose now Crusty?”
“Oh it’s much better now thanks Bel. I think I can talk proper again now!”
“Ya’ve never bin able to talk properly! For the life of me I can’t imagine how ya ended up with yer nose stuck in a fence. How do ya get yourself into these scrapes at all?”
“Dunno Bel, just daft I suppose. When are ya going to make me out that list and when are ya going to paste me?”
“I’ll do the list now if ya like burra never said I was going to paste ya!”
He grinned.
“Oh I thowt ya’d punish me for gerrin me nose stuck!”
“I said I was going to think up something new for ya so ya wouldn’t get bored, don’t ya remember?”
“Like wot Bel?”
Looking at him slyly she didn’t answer him but reached for a pen and pad and started to write two lists.
This is what she wrote down.
Pig
Eats like one
Walks like one
Grunts like one when eating
Squawks like one when talking
Chimp
Face like one
Same shape as one
Manners like one
Manners like one
Therefore:
Equal cross between a pig and a chimp
“There y’are Crusty owd lad. How’s that?”
He took the paper off her and studied it with furrowed brow, reading it slowly and getting confused.
“Thanks Bel! So wor’amma then?”
“Well in my book that makes ya a pigmy.”
“How come amma pigmy then?”
She picked up the pen and started writing it down for him.
“Si’ thi’! Pig as it sounds and then the m and the y, which are the first and last letters of monkey. Pigmy!! Thar’a pigmy!”
“They had some pigmies on the Sandwich Islands where I were born Bel. D’ya think I might be a throwback from me mam’s side as me dad was half English?”
She rolled up her eyes.
“I don’t know about a throwback. If I’d ever had one like thee I’d’ve definitely thrown ya back!”
“I wouldn’t blame you Bel.”
“It certainly proves one thing though!”
“Wot’s that Bel?”
“Why! It proves that Charles Darwin’s theory of evolution was right. Or part right anyway. It proves that some of us are related to animals. In your case it’s pigs and monkeys. Didn’t you tell me that you had a thing about bananas at one time?”
“Yes Bel, yer right about that. I still do. Come to think of it I could just ayte a banana right now. Have ya gor’any?”
“No I haven’t ya greedy owd sod. Ya’ve etten enough! No wonder ya buys PG Tips! Ya even drink bluddy monkey tea!”
“Wor’about the pig side of it though Bel?”
“Well, think about it. Wor’about all that slop that ya eat? Worisit that pigs ayte?”
“Oh aye, slops Bel! Ya really are very clever Bel. Much cleverer than me!”
“Ya see Crusty. It all fits. Ya’ve definitely getten’t look of a chimp especially the way ya scampers about. I can just see ya on two feet and one hand peyling about on’t floor and t’other hand scratchin’ yer arse, or swinging about from tree to tree. Plus, I can see why The Nobbler said y’ave getten a face like a pig’s arse as well.”
“Oh really? Why’s that then Bel?”
“Well come here and look in’t mirror an’ I’ll show ya owd lad!”
He got up and scampered behind her to the mirror in her hallway.
“Now then look si’ thi! Wot d’ya see?”
“Is it a face like a pig’s arse Bel?”
“Well no, not just that. Look again properly. Wot’s that ya’ve getten on yer fore’ead?”
“Me kiss curl Bel.”
“Exactly! There ya have it! Don’t pigs have little curly tails? Well yer kiss curl favvers a pig’s tail. That’s why they say ya’ve getten a face like a pig’s arse. See, it all fits now, don’t ya see?”
Tears started welling up in his sad old eyes again.
“Yes Bel I do. D’ya think I need plastic surgery Bel?”
"Bluddy yed transplant’s wot thy needs! No Crusty, I really don’t think that even the best plastic surgeon in the world could improve on you bur’if ya got rid of that stupid kiss curl and do summat different with yer hair ya might look a little bit better. Wot d’ya say, eh, give it a whirl?"
“Okay Bel. Will you do it for me?”
Her eyes glinted with evil.
“Of course I will owd lad! Come on. Let’s try to do something with it! There’s no time like the present.”
She sat him down on a chair and he gave her his comb pulling her face in disgust.
“Hang on. You stay there until I come back. I’ll have to de-gunge this scummy comb o’ yours and it may take a while.”
She went upstairs to her bedroom in search of something somebody had bought her as a joke and half an hour later she came back and started to comb the eight strands. She tried it this way, then that way.
It just wouldn’t sit right so she picked up the two rollers that she’d got from her dressing table and a box with something special in! She put some solution of some kind onto his hair then rolled four strands into one roller and four into the other, upwards, snipping them a little at the end so they were both the same length.
“Reet lad. We’ll give that time to set then see if there’s any improvement, okay?”
“Okay Bel.”
She got the hair dryer on it and, humming a merry tune to herself, kept it on hot until it was dry but left the rollers in. They sat and chatted for a while until Bel started to yawn widely.
“Oh sorry Crusty! I’m tired out with all that driving. D’ya mind if I don’t drive you home. I’m shattered. I’ll pay for you a taxi if that’s alright.”
“I can see yer tired Bel. I’ll take a taxi, no worries. Thanks for not punishing me Bel!” he said grinning.
“Yer welcome lad,” she said grinning back at him darkly, showing all her huge teeth.
Within ten minutes the taxi had arrived and Bel gave him a 20 pound note to pay the driver.
“13 Bakewell Drive, Pemberton, please.”
The taxi driver gave him the oddest look but drove in silence. He was one of those non-chatty grumpy buggers.
Crusty had to admit that when he got in he was tired too, even though he had slept for most of the journey back from Wiltshire. He decided he would go straight up to bed so off he trundled, calling in the bathroom first to use the toilet. On turning, he came face to face with himself in the mirror and was aghast at what he saw. He’d forgotten about his new hairstyle!
What had she done to him? Staring back at himself he saw he was wearing two curlers but they weren’t ordinary ones. They were massive and were flashing bright green on and off on and off on the side of his head. He’d come home wearing these in the taxi. They were novelty curlers. Bel had tittered away when she’d put them in and switched them on with the little button.
“Wot’s she done at me this time?”
He snatched them out of his hair at once and threw them into the washbasin still flashing. The result of Bel’s hair makeover was that he had two huge curls on his head to one side and the rest of his head was as smooth and shiny as a baby’s bum.
Try as he might he couldn’t comb them out. Every time he combed through one it would go BOING and spring back into the shape she’d put it in. The solution in the box was one of the strongest Bel had in her collection! It was a home perm kit.
And she’d dyed his hair blond!
He tried combing through them both at the same time but with the same result. Losing his patience he tried combing water through them in an effort to at least smooth them out a bit.
No luck. B’doing, B’doing!
He scuttled back downstairs again and phoned Crustabel. By now she was fast asleep in bed but her answering machine kicked in saying that she wasn’t available at this time but please leave name and number and she’d ring back.
“Bel, Bel help me Bel,” he squawked down the phone. “I cawn’t get these curls out of me hair. Wockle I do Bel? Bel? Are ya there Bel?”
He listened carefully for her voice. Nothing! Just as he was about to replace the handset he heard Crustabel’s voice. He pressed the phone tightly to his ear and listened to what his Bel had to say to him. With every word he listened to he went whiter and whiter, remembering all the naughty things he’d done and the punishments he’d received.
“Reet! I’ve given ya two minutes for a moan ya whingein’ owd fart. I knew ya’d ring so I set this special message up just for thee. That’s for stashing all that grub at the health farm and for showing me up at Stonehenge and gerrin’t fire brigade and ambulance out. See wot yer mates at the caff think about yer new perm Shirley bluddy Temple. I told ya I’d think of a new punishment! It should stay in for about three or four months. Now BOG OFF and let me sleep!”
“Bel? Is that you Bel? This is your Crusty a-calling!”
Why oh why didn’t she just give him a pasting? She still didn’t know he’d been sacked from the cafe.
“Reet,” thought Crusty. “This time I’m goin’t get my own back. Grand style!”
Oh no!
Now what?
© Mollie M
05.11.01
Wonder what he’s got up his sleeve?
You’ll see.
Crusty, he’s no Michael Angelo in the arts department is he Mollie, green chicken:lol:. De-gunging of combs, not a pleasant job, I blame it on all that hair-oil we used in the 60’s. He must have been a lovely sight, the blond bombshell:lol:.
Speaking of green chicken, have you ever noticed Homer Simpsons hair?, the way it’s parted?, in the shape of the McDonalds ‘M’, I think it’s a clever advertising ploy, take a look at it next time and see what you think.