With so many people wandering around with what is effectively a high quality video camera, do you ever wonder if you are featured on somebody’s Youtube channel doing something silly? 
And don’t say you never do anything silly when you don’t think anyone is watching, because we all do. 
I never do anything silly when I’m out and about…you think I’m Theresa May running through the wheatfields?!
Wait…I do remember seeing a video where someone who looked like you was picking their nose though 
Which reminds me
I don’t know about you but I do feel wary using a public toilet especially when I need to do a jobby, and what makes it even worse is when the only available trap is the centre one, the ones either side being already occupied
I had to visit my local shopping centre to pick up a new phone, (that in itself is a whole bloody saga involving a call centre somewhere on the Indian sub continent) and felt an urgent need to ease springs as we say in the army, so off I pop into Asda and I am confronted with using the centre trap!
As soon as I sat down, I knew it was going to register quite highly on the Beaufort scale. I could feel that there were about 250 cubic feet of wind , waiting cheekily for the first chicken nugget to fall out, so that they could quickly announce their arrival.
What to do? It may surprise you, but I’m a bit coy about bum burping loudly within earshot of strangers. Should I play the waiting game? The bloke on my left was making no noise at all and was therefore unpredictable. The bloke on the right was reading a paper, I couldn’t wait as my brain was well aware of its surroundings and was already exhorting my botty, via the central nervous system, to release the hounds. Then as if by magic on the door to my immediate front there appeared a burning finger which wrote, ‘ *Vlad my son I find that the key to negotiating any tricky social situation is confidence; you can pull anything off so long as you act confidently and in the knowledge that YOU are the man. *
Thus: ‘Do it loud and proud. Moan with pleasure, loudly implore Odin to help you evacuate, bang the sides, scream like a tortured duck. That’s how I do it - not only does it add to the moment, but after a while people will see you doing the walk to the bog and will avoid the place for at least half an hour. You will forever dump alone. You are the Chosen One’
So I did.
OMG Vlad, I was rocking with laughter at that 
Oh gosh, Pixie. I saw that, too.
Then he walked off scratching his bum. 
Thank you Bathsheba and all those reading my whimsy…I apologise for hijacking this important thread and will find some where more appropriate 
Hairspray!
He’s quite impossible, isn’t he Sheba.
I don’t know what we’re going to do with him.
(Luv your humour though, Vlad). 
Thats the one! Completely unaware of the BBC news reporter trying to say his piece to camera…! 
Yes, that might work, as long as he would hang about long enough for me to rummage through my shopping to find some. I doubt many women happen to carry it about in their hand just incase. 
I reckon he did it BECAUSE the reporter was there. That would be more like Harbal.
We can’t take him anywhere.
Made me larf out loud too
Lordruthio asked what’s so funny, I said you really don’t want to know!
That’s right, Ruthio. We mustn’t let young Vlad lead Lord Ruthio astray. 
They should. Not illegal. Easy to put in your handbag. A spray in the eyes and they won’t be troubling anyone for a while.
Yes, you’re probably right JBR.
Perhaps I will have a look round and see if I can get one of those little travel size ones that’s easy to drop in a pocket.
Wouldn’t it be likely to explode in heat like this though?
I know that hand sanitizer stuff is highly flammable.
P.S. Just looked this up, and found this:
Aerosol spray cans are pressurized canisters that are known to explode when exposed to extreme heat, that’s why manufacturers warn users of these cans not to throw them into an open flame, even when empty. Two recent incidents outline the dangers of having these everyday items in your car."
Perhaps just a kids water pistol full of very soapy water or something similar, would be safer?
Or better still, perhaps more women should carry one of those rape alarms where you just pull the button out. That would be good.
Do any ladies on here carry a rape alarm?
Yes, certainly in a public place (though perhaps not a sink housing estate) they would be very suitable.
If we need cash while out and about, V will operate the ATM and I will stand with my back to the wall and scan the passers by making sure everyone is aware they are being watched while we are at the hole in the wall.
So the watcher watches the watching? 
Oh, yes. Nothing like keeping potential scammers on their tootsies.
Ladies be careful putting a handbag in the footwell or passenger seat if out shopping alone. SiL had her handbag swiped in Asda that way a few years ago. Make sure you lock doors before putting the bag down.
