Am I entitled to feel a bit 'left out', or am I being too sensitive?

Sorry in advance for a long post, but I just want to explain fully.

As some of you know, I joined a writing group at the start of the year. Just five of us, V&J, (a couple), M, and H. Initially, we went to fortnightly meetings at the grandparents’ house of V, who incidentally also lives there. (young female). Then a fair while ago, we were told her grandfather had Covid, so meetings would be held at M’s house. As this is further away, and in a road half surrounded by fields, I attended all meetings by zoom.

As each meeting came around, M just told us that ‘due to circumstances, we would continue to have meetings at my house’, and he even spoke to me, last time in V’s absence, through the computer, that they were trying to find an alternative venue, blah blah, but still nothing was explained why.

I think a fortnight ago, when J also had Covid, V said in an email she had no work to submit, and wouldn’t attend, as she ‘wasn’t of the right mindset’. I just took this to mean she was concerned about J. Only H went to M’s house, and with myself on zoom there were just 3 of us.

Last night, the four of them were at M’s house, me still on zoom, and innocently I asked V if she had emailed any work for us to discuss, maybe at the last minute. She replied ‘no, it was my grandfather’s funeral yesterday’.

I was so surprised at this, said I am so sorry, I didn’t know. ‘No, we didn’t advertise it’, she replied. ‘We felt it wouldn’t be appropriate to continue to have meetings at their house’.

But of course, neither M nor H were surprised at this news, so seemingly they already knew. So how come I didn’t, and had to find out this way? I already have FOMO when all are at M’s house and I am on the other end of a computer, as they sit laughing and chatting, and I don’t hear a lot of what is being said. But I couldn’t help feeling a little hurt that nobody thought to explain to me that V had sadly lost her grandfather, hence all meetings being shifted elsewhere.

M seems to co-ordinate everything, so it stands to reason he would know, but then, so obviously did H. I may be new to the group but wonder why they felt this need to exclude me from such information, when in actual fact it does concern me in a way, due to the shake up of venue, and me having to attend by zoom each time. (True, by choice, but it would add about an hour to a sometimes long evening (from 7, to beyond 9pm)

Of course it would be insensitive or churlish of me to bring it up with V, or M. But am I right to feel a bit left out? (Sorry, it’s a bit hard to put into writing what I am trying to say.)

Thoughts, please. (Thanks for listening, or reading…)

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Sorry you felt left out.

I read it. It seems a bit too complicated for me to comment about. I hope you find out more information that makes you feel better about it.

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There’s nowt’ so queer as folk Jazzi…As my old mam used to say.
:hugs:

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@Jazzi I do understand where you’re coming from. But there are so few of you in the group, so let’s look at who knew: V, obviously, and J being her partner would also know. Then because of the change of venue to M’s house - and because he ‘seems to co-ordinate everything’ - of course he would know too. That leaves just H and you. Perhaps H is already a longstanding friend of one of the others? Or perhaps it was as simple as H asking why the venue had changed, and maybe you didn’t ask?

Honestly, it’s very likely there was no intention to deliberately exclude you at all. Just move past this, and carry on with the group if you enjoy attending. Or look for another writing group that you would be able to physically attend maybe? Though I really don’t think you should let this spoil what has been, until now, an event that you’ve looked forward to and enjoyed regularly.

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@Jazzi Hi Jazzi :grin: as I have got older I have learnt not to let the action of others (or lack of them) bother me, life is too short.

I suggest you smile and take what pleasure you can from the writing group and don’t dwell on things.

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Thanks all. x

Its odd being on zoom at the best of times…I would feel left out just because of that. Put that feeling of being left out down to the technology jazzi…hopefully a more convenient venue will be found soon…good luck!

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IMO it’s time to move onwards and join another group.

Edited to add … in this life your face either fits or it doesn’t as I’ve found out many times in the past; the worst being a Christian church in need of an organist but they soon objected to my kippah that I would wear in any house of G-d. . . their loss!

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Jo Jazzi

You remind me very much of myself, I am also quite sensitive, well no, let me rephrase that, I’m highly sensitive and I think we tend to overthink things and let things bother us that normally wouldn’t bother many people.

Like Meg says, try not to dwell on it too much, it really isn’t worth you worrying your lovely self about.

Big hugs from me

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I don’t want to leave the group as there isn’t another one around.

These things happen sometimes when You join a small
new group,
in My case My face didn’t fit because My Politics were different from the Others…as LD says…“Their loss”
C’est La Vie…Give it a wee while longer then things will
become clearer…good luck,x

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I can understand why you feel a bit left out and it would have been easier for you if M or H had let you know about V’s bereavement before the meeting, so you were aware of it - but after reading the circumstances, I can see how the lack of communication may have arisen without intending to leave you out.
I agree with the thoughts @Bathsheba posted on this situation.

It sounds like it’s been a difficult time for V&J, grieving over her grandfather’s illness and death and a difficult time for everyone in the group, trying to deal with a sensitive situation.
If they don’t find a new venue soon, maybe if you tried to attend the next meeting in person, if it is possible, it may help you to feel more bonded with the group again? - even if most of your future meetings are by Zoom, an occasional face to face meeting may help.

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Jazzi - I felt a bit like that when I joined a U3A group. They all knew one another from way back & I was the newbie. They spoke to me out of politeness but often they got into deep conversation with each other about something or other and I was excluded. In the end I left & found more friendly groups.

Of course, this time next year you won’t be a new girl anymore & should be closer to them all.

Well I would hope so…

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Jazzi, ln groups, l always stay independent. I will be friendly with everyone but l don’t get close to any of them…
I find it’s best as then you don’t get involved with other people’s spats and cliquiness.

Just join in for what you joined for and don’t get involved in anything other than the task you joined for.
It’s best to just let them get on with it.

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Janet, so sorry you felt left out, but I don’t think there was any intention there of doing this.
Just keep going there.

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I think @Boot’s idea of attending the group in person now and then is a really good suggestion. It would certainly make you feel more part of the group, and help to address your FOMO. And as the evenings are getting longer now, you won’t have to worry about the long drive home in darkness - definitely a good time to do this I’d say.

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Thanks everyone. I do agree that I should attend more, in person, but still think he lives in a more inaccessible area. Even H, when she arrived late last night, said how difficult she found it for parking.

V&J (and I never even knew they were a couple, until maybe the last meeting in V’s house, when she talked of them buying a house together) said they would be willing to host meetings later on.

Carol, I won’t join the U3A as I have always thought of it being cliquey.

I was in the U3A and really liked it. Many were teachers and professors and they tended to cling together.
They were friendly enough, if not a bit stuffy. l got on alright with them as l’m a bit cheeky and will talk to anyone.

I volunteered for the ‘New Member Enroller’, so l met quite a few. Then the lockdown came and most meetings were done by Zoom which didn’t appeal to me and my membership has lapsed.

Hello Jazzi, I think as you enjoy it smile and carry on - the difficulty with being on zoom means the “interaction” is different. I do not think this would be done intentionally.